Partners with ADHD

@PheobeBebe I could have written lots of your op.

DH has diagnosed ADHD (18 months ago) and having the diagnosis has actually helped him a lot. Don't get me wrong it wasn't a magic wand that improved his ways but it's allowed him to understand himself more and work with the ADHD traits rather than against.

We have 2 big DIY items he agreed would be helpful to have- both are in the shed outside, 2 years and nearly a year they've been there!

I can be quite harsh with him if needed and will say don't blame the 'adhd' as I'm pointing this out/ asking you etc because there was a phase of a few weeks of 'I have ADHD I'll do as I want I can't help it'.
We've been together 17 years so I know when it's a genuine ADHD trait he cannot help/ change or if he's anxious or distressed and I wouldn't say anything then as it's not fair.

Would your DH want to be diagnosed, would it make a difference? Mine is also on medication now which helps a lot.

Some really good explanations on this thread and all very true. Very frustrating for you (I frustrate myself tbh) but some good tips with the body doubling etc and creating urgency, creating interest and novelty if possible also helps.

I did just want to mention this though "Bins upstairs are nearly overflowing before he empties them". Why would you empty a bin before it's "nearly overflowing" surely a "nearly overflowing" bin is just a "full bin"???

By better at your task I don’t mean better than you I mean - better able to organise himself to do the food shopping instead of emptying the bins for example.

I do think having pink and blue jobs is not helpful if you actually want stuff done. If something is my job I’ll do it when I am able to get to it - you nagging would not make me do it faster. If you want flatpack done then do it together. Say “can we put the stuff in the loft now” and then make him go up in the loft while you hand it up to him. You saying “can you put the stuff in the loft” and expecting it to get done is not that realistic. I think your rigid thinking and your expectation that he should be able to just get on with this stuff is adding to your frustration. It is incredibly difficult for him to just get on with it.

I do also get that if probably doesn’t seem fair that you have to do all this extra labour to get him to pull his weight but he’s really not doing it on purpose. Like someone else said there’s “now” and “not now” in his mind. He’s not going to be able to change so you need to change how you respond to it. Redistribute household tasks so that you aren’t doing all your tasks and “half of his” - see if he thinks there’s anything of your tasks he would be better at. I do all the bills and paperwork in my house while my DH is much better at keeping on top of cleaning the kitchen (for example)

There is no doubt you are empathetic and kind – but ADHD is so frustrating, you’re not unreasonable to feel resentful.

Was also here to suggest you make a time to do furniture assembly/diy stuff together but seeing someone else say just pay for it to be done is making me think you should do that instead.

For the bins, you could try turning it into a race while you do something else. You could set a reminder, even a couple of reminders so he’s got 10 minutes then one minute until it needs doing. Tying it to an existing habit could work – a show you always watch, an activity he goes to weekly? Having bin liners upstairs and downstairs reduces friction for me

Sometimes if there’s something I’m putting off I need my DH to help me physically get started. Or halfway through I lose steam so I’ll ask him to come in and help me for 5 minutes. It’s called body doubling. Very useful for motivation - and it’s not doing it for him it’s being there while he does it.

i always think “I’ll do that in a minute” then I forget to do it. I can step over mess for days before I pick it up. My office bin needs emptying, come to think of it. I’ll remember on Monday when I’m sitting next to it but by then I’ll be busy working and won’t have time to sort it out. I spend a lot more time and effort sorting communal areas which means my office and floordrobe are often really messy.

I used to use an app called Sweepy which worked for a little while but now I just ignore the daily notification. One thing I have started doing is straightening up the living room every night before bed - he could probably do something like that and that would help

it’s really not easy living like this - but it does sound like he needs to try harder

I think just pay someone to do the Diy otherwise it will drive you mad

It’s also to do with dopamine - chances are he is enjoying a high dopamine task (phone scrolling/ gaming) and the low dopamine task (job you want him to do) feels impossibly dull. At to that a task initiation malfunction and a genuine inability to notice that tasks even need doing - you have a recipe for disaster

while you may not want to keep reminding - good to bring it up (at a time you’re not frustrated) and agree together the plan of action. Sometimes combining a high dopamine task with the low dopamine tasks.

ADHDers also have two time periods - “now” and “not now” which means they’re terrible at planning or doing anything within timelines unless it’s something they highly value

all is not lost though, they can overcome some of these negative traits but need to create urgency in the task

Dear lord I could have written your post! Our house is full of things waiting for DH to sort. And yes, some of them I could do myself but usually when i try I fuck it up and he gets annoyed!

Thank you for the tips @Squidlydoo . It is interesting that it's the actually initiating of the task that's difficult, that's definitely true for DH. Once he's done it, or started it, he does a great job. But it is difficult not to nag, there's only so many times I can say "would you" and he says "i'll do it later/tomorrow" and I don't feel I can remind him later or tomorrow!

He really can’t help himself. Sorry. Offer to do them together or ask him to do them “would you be able to…” rather than nagging or demanding which is likely to have the opposite effect.

He should be stepping up, you are not his mum but sadly nagging or getting frustrated will only make you both unhappy.

I suggest a shared list (you can collaborate on iPhone notes) so you can write down all the small jobs that you want him to job.

often with adhd it’s the “task initiation” executive function skill that is missing.