Partners with ADHD

I think you need to implement a 'strengths based' approach.

Hes bad at getting tasks around the house done. Hes a good provider.

You can organise (your relative strength) to use the money he provides (his strength) to pay a handyman to fill the gaps (weaknesses).

I also have a daughter who has ADHD. It caused complete burnout for her, panic disorder and agoraphobia. She now has a diagnosis and is on medication. However, it's taken it toll on me. There's resentment I feel towards my DH because had he tackled his own diagnosis then I think I would have been more aware of my daughters diagnosis. I feel he gas lit me for a long time. When I said I don't think this is normal that you don't do X and Y he would just get defensive and make out I was overly critical. He still hasn't sought help. He still utters this 'superpower' mantra. It definitely has not been for our daughter!

I just made a thread earlier today about how I think I might have ADHD and how much I’m struggling. I feel for you, OP - it is tough having to do the thinking for anyone else. But I do just feel really shit about myself all the time for not managing to do the kinds of things you mention. I don’t know if that helps you at all!

I also want to say thank you to @audweb . You put it really well, and also gave me some useful tips!

@Squidlydoo is spot on.

But it is very hard for one adult to need to be another adult's external brain. I think this is often why there is burnout for parents of youth with neurodivergence and partners of people with neurodivergence. I have two dear friends married to men with ADHD and trauma. There is a huge compromise they make in order to stay in the relationship. They have loving partners, but the mental load is truly exhausting for both and deeply impacts how they feel about their partners on the hard days.

@Raspberryjamsandwich thanks. Sometimes people who don’t know me so well think my possible diagnosis is likely wrong, but they don’t see the utter chaos I hide/mask from people.

there’s no easy solution. I want to do the things but no matter how hard I try I can’t do the things, or at least not sustain them.

reading a lot of useful info about low energy and high energy days, and systems rather than habits which has helped, and shifted my mindset and generally helps - but I’m alone so no one else has to put up with how I manage that. Body doubling definitely helps / I work in the office so I see other people work and it makes my mind get that I should be working.

also! Top tip, if you have things to do don’t take your shoes off when you come in, until you have done the things. If I take my shoes off or sit down, game over, nothing is getting done. It sounds stupid but it genuinely helps.

still not hung up the photo frame I bought three years ago though, but the dishes are done.

@audweb sums it up perfectly

It's just domestically they're such a drag sigh.

Funny that. Pretty fucking convenient that their super-power falls short exactly where there’s a woman to sort things out.

Oh my friends cleaner has seen it all. They don't judge. If you like get a different cleaner to your mum.

It's kind of a super power. DH a brilliant engineer a great father.

Three children all talented in their professions. They're all good men. Two of them fantastic dads.

It's just domestically they're such a drag sigh.

@justasking111 Lol, it's more stressful for me that I can't clean properly due to my own MH/PH issues. It's great your friend has a cleaner. We have one (I live with elderly mum/DH) but my anxiety is too strong to let her come into my rooms to clean. It's fine though as I get a bit of a boost and then suddenly do get the hoover out, do laundry etc. Occasionally! Not today though...

Yes my DH has it but undiagnosed. He calls it his super power. I just call it his way of torturing me. I'm afraid it's turned me into a nagging wife and it's probably affected the relationship as I just see him as a kid rather than as a husband. However like others describe he is so lovely and has been there for me and is a great dad.

That's stressful for your husband if he has OCD. My friend is disorganized house untidy which upsets her. But she works, has a family so something has to give. She has a cleaner once a week now so there's a mad panic the night before when things have to be tidied up. She loves to walk into a clean tidy house once a week

I don’t know OP but if I could go back in time I wouldn’t marry DH.

Over the years I have dealt with exactly the ADHD you describe. It has been so fucking selfish and disregarded the needs and successful functioning of the family. I literally hate him for it because I have had to do 150% of the effort.

I wish I could leave but he is a nice guy and the DCs love him and he is my oldest friend and memory sharer. So I just keep it in, even though everywhere I look he has let me down.

I feel you because I am him, and currently on the long waiting list but I live as a lone parent so there’s no one around to remind me to do the things or body double. It’s nightmare, I try, I last for a week then it all slides and then I have to I a giant clean up. I don’t know what the solution is but I can tell you that he will inwardly be feeling terrible about it all the time. I’m not sure that helps? But we generally know we are a failure compared to other people without ADHD, and it’s hard to live with the shame.

I try lots of strategies. Sometimes they work sometimes they don’t, and then I have to think of new ones. It’s exhausting, but I genuinely understand it must be so difficult to live with.

YANBU for resenting having to pick up the slack for someone with anything self diagnosed. If he suspects he has ADHD he should seek a diagnosis and take it from there.

Oh we have a shopping list pad we share it's on the kitchen windowsill with pens whoever finds something running low writes it on the list. If it's not on the list he does without.

A phone calendar has been a godsend his appointments, etc he writes them in immediately that's improved things. Although yesterday I was in the office and the MOT reminder was there, he'd forgotten that, but it's booked now.

My sons are similar but are more aware of coping strategies. One lives by his diary. One procrastinates, the third it's less obvious but struggled with revision at school. They're all so untidy 🙈

I can see traits in my grandchildren which makes me smile.

TBH I think I have this and am not great with cleaning, organising, focussing. My DH is OCD, introvert, needs everything in order. I'm like a extrovert chaos merchant basically. But when I look at cleaning tasks, and bar washing up and bathrooms, just think, yeah that can wait/ it doesn't bother me enough. I can't focus on anything meaningful in terms of cleaning other than bare essentials. It's about how much of their traits are acceptable. With us there's kind of push and shove but he loves cleanliness so cleans more than me. I guess my dad bullied my Mum into being very tidy and clean, when he passed we could just be ourselves and relax. That's bound to be a part of it, how you grow up.

I just got done posting on another thread about one of my top tips for helping neurospicy folks manage their own things (and lessen the mental load for you). If you have a home smart device such as Alexa, let Alexa run those routines to remind your husband and teens of what they need to be doing.

They get to build their own routines with your help and guidance, program the Alexa, and let it go.

It takes you out of having to micro-manage the household.

Another 'mental load' tip: "Grocery Elimination List" ... you know how you usually buy the same stuff on the weekly shop? Make a list of all of those. When it comes to making up the grocery, instead of having to remember what all is needed, just cross them off the list of usuals instead. I even made a personal app for it to cut down on paper printouts.

DH may possibly have a mild form of ADHD.

He knows that anything left out for more than a day will go in the understairs cupboard until he sorts it.

Take control of the stuff!

I'm married to a man like this. If I wanted something done I'd start the job. Pictures I'd get the stepladder measuring tape, hammer, hooks, pictures and call him into help.

Garden I wanted a concrete path up so I organised a skip, hired a kango hammer and started the job he soon helped.

Laundry, full bins, I promise you he just doesn't see them.

Some sealant needs redoing behind the sink and around the bath. This weekend I'll ask him where the sealant is telling him I'm going to have a go at doing it. He'll soon take over knowing that I would have a go and it won't be done well.

I have ADHD. It's no excuse for not pulling one's weight at home.

"Darling, we need to make sure we are balancing the load at home. I know you have felt before that I'm nagging. What's the best way for us to work together so that stuff gets done?"

Make him come up with some of the solutions.

Does he have a visible list of the stuff that's his responsibility? Is there a specific bin day (adhd loves a deadline). Sometimes boring tasks can be made more attractive if you try to beat the clock - he might try a power hour (or power 15 minutes) of blitzing his household tasks each evening, for example.

Lots of tactics to try. Shouldn't be on you to think them up.

If he's self-diagnosed what is he doing about learning coping strategies? Medication?

Sometimes, just spending 5 minutes to help him get stuck in can make all the difference.

Another sympathetic nod here, OP. Our Christmas stuff was boxed up for twelfth night and is still sitting neatly on the landing (I have mobility issues, definitely can’t put them away myself).

We are gradually working on a nightly/weekly checklist of jobs. I’ve made a list of things that need to be done nightly/in the morning before work, and other bigger weekly tasks. I would rather they were done at night, DH likes to do them in the morning but ultimately if they get done, I keep quiet. So to begin with it was things like “air and make the bed” - he’s up after me, so this has to be on him. Once that’s an embedded routine, I add something else.

Some stuff has happened organically, eg wash bottles and put the steriliser on - I’m up first so it makes sense for me to do the night bottle clear up, except he kept leaving them in the nursery if he did the night shift. So I added “bring bottle out to landing when DD has finished”. It feels like a never ending battle, and I know it frustrates him too, but this is helping both of us be more accountable which can only be a good thing.

Why don’t you put up the picture and build the flat plack though? Obviously I’m not saying you should do everything, but it sounds you’ve fallen a bit into blue jobs and pink jobs here.

He’s got ADHD - high dopamine tasks are better for him.