Partners with ADHD

That's fine except the waiting list is years and years long and private diagnosis costs about £1000 on average. A diagnosis won't actually make any difference to his executive function skills either.

Your last paragraph is genius and this would definitely motivate me if i thought my dh was about to muck something up, my adhd would force me into action. Your post describes the kind of help i need to help me get started. I hate that i need help, but sometimes i just really do.

Having my dh get everything ready is amazingly helpful because sometimes the act of gathering everything up that i need to start is the hardest thing. For example I needed to make something for my kids for some tag day or something. Most people would get the stuff, get it done.

But i just physically COULDN'T get started. It was something only i could do (required sewing) - my brain said absolutely not. Every time i thought of doing it, it feels like my brain slid away from me. I think of it like trying to grasp a slippery fish. I wanted to do it, but i couldn't.

Unless you're ND you really can't understand how it feels - as a NT person, you see something that needs doing, you do it. But for me, i have to cajole, trick, bargain with my brain to do it. Promise myself rewards, create a false deadlines, try and convince myself there's some dopamine in the task. That's really hard to do when the task is washing up. Sometimes i just have to wait it out. It's so distressing to me that i can't just be "normal".

But my dh got the things ready for the tag day and came to the sewing machine with me and it meant suddenly i was able to do it and i got it done in under 10 minutes. I hated myself for needing help in that way, but as i said - unless you're ND, you just can't understand how paralyzed you can feel and how hard it is to get out of it. No wonder I'm permanently exhausted, i guess.

To start I have made him a to do list on Alexa and will ask him to set phone reminders for regular tasks.

Being micromanaged in my own marriage is my idea of utter hell. Perhaps your husband is happy to be controlled in such a fashion if so he has my pity. Personally Alexa would end up at the bottom of my garden via my left boot.

While I do have sympathy that he may find it harder to focus and get organised, I still can't help but think surely he still see's the items sitting on the landing / the overflowing bin etc.

Nope. I have adhd. And i really, truly, honestly just don't see these things. Really. I know what jobs i need to do daily or weekly, and I've built habits around them. But ad hoc emptying the bins or putting pictures up? Nope. I've got pictures that have been waiting to go on the wall for 2 years. I think "i must do that" and by the time I've got downstairs, my brain has moved on to another topic. It's very frustrating for me let alone dh.

Perhaps you and dh need to swap jobs so he does the ones that are suited to his adhd. For example, I do pretty much all the cooking, because i know it has to be done at a certain time of day every day so i don't forget it I've got kids to feed. While I'm cooking, i will load or unload the dishwasher - i have to, in order to make space to cook so it's a job that my adhd can't over look. Dh does all the laundry, because i will put the washing machine on and then totally forget to get it out. You need to redistribute tasks on an adhd divide instead of a gender one.

I'm also pretty good at sudden random decluttering or tidying, so when the urge strikes I'll lean into that and I'll be a whirlwind of activity for 20 minutes and get loads done. But at other times, i will think "i need to do the dusting" but if my adhd brain isn't ready, I'll end up sitting on the sofa staring into space trying to force myself to get up and feeling completely unable to. I find that really distressing.

You're right, he doesn't get to use adhd as an excuse - he needs to harness it and work for the family but he will have limitations. Emptying bedroom bins is something i don't think I'd ever be able to do reliably.

I could have written this post except my partner is formally diagnosed and on medication. He’s almost got worse since diagnosis like he doesn’t bother trying.

We are a ND family but it’s a nightmare living the way you describe. Things left for months at a time and reminders are nagging. It has broken me and our relationship as he’s got worse not better on meds. Off meds he’d run about like a blue arsed fly doing somethings, on meds he does nothing. Then there’s his debt.

OP people will say you’re inreasonable
and that he can’t help it, and it’s true to an extent but there are systems that can help improve things for him if he wants to - my partner says he wants to then goes plays with his toys because they’re more fun. And that’s no fun. It’s like having an extra child.

YANBU when it is used as an excuse not a reason. Is he proactively looking for solutions, techniques, and work-arounds to help him be a better functioning adult? Has he read all the books and booked an ADHD coach? That's the difference for me.

Both DH and I are waiting to be assessed following DC1's diagnosis and the diagnosing doctor mentioning it was worth pursuing for us both. Him for ADHD, me for AuDHD. DH uses the possibility as an excuse constantly whilst refusing to do anything to try and change. It is infuriating. It wasn't such an issue before DCs, but it isn't fair on them to keep having balls dropped and I have less slack now to cover for him/make up the gaps. In contrast, I have systems in place that I trained to be automatic (eg keys in a bowl just inside the door, always. His are chucked anywhere and looking for them often makes him/us very late), I fill my phone with alarms and reminders, have endless prioritised lists on whiteboards and in my diary etc etc, I read up on it in books and actively look for strategies. I recognised there was an issue and looked for solutions many years before I had any idea my problems have a name. He shrugs his shoulders and says "you know I'm not doing it on purpose, I've always been like this"... It drives me nuts! It is in every area of his life though (as it is for me), so not saved up solely for domestic tasks.

Exactly this. I have undiagnosed ADHD (perusing diagnoses but it take years and I was ignored when I raised it 20 years ago for being female). My behaviours can be irritating, I fully accept that. Object displacement is the worst, used to drive my ex spare that my glasses/keys/bag/anything would disappear the moment I put it down. I have audio processing issues which means I can barely hear friends and family talk to me. Im disorganised and definitely would be seen as a messier person. I zone out a lot.

But. I’m a single parent, and I have to figure a way to manage a life. It takes much more effort than the average person, my phone is full of lists and reminders. It’s hard and I have constant guilt and worry about things I’ve let slip.

My ex has undiagnosed ASD. I was/am sympathetic to difficulties but it was the same story - capable at work and fell apart at home. Took roles literally - ‘I went to work so now I switch off unless you tell me to specifically do some, and if you tell me more than once it’s ’nagging’’. If you need to nag it means they’re not listening and they simply don’t care. They’re not making any effort to overcome difficulties on their own terms, it always the woman who has to support and pick up the slack. Women do not exists to fix men.

Btw, I was diagnosed last year at the grand age of 51. I take medication but still in the 18 month period of getting the right one.

I have ADHD and put things in the loft and hang pictures - although it takes a while and then a mad burst of 'sorting stuff'.

For example, I had run out of room in my wardrobe and cupboards, so was using the floor in a spare room for dumping clothes on. It has been like that for months and then suddenly, out of the blue last weekend, I absolutely HAD to sort it out. I took five giant bin bags of clothes to the textile bank!

I need things to be tidy and organised, but if I can shut the door on it, then it's out of sight and, literally, out of mind.

Hiding artwork behind your settee probably doesn't help your DH. It needs to be somewhere in sight. Alternatively, I recommend Command Strips for putting up pictures which are dead easy and I use them for everything. I even have one keeping my little Bagpuss on the dashboard of my car!

All I would suggest is not hiding things away. Those jobs will never get done. Don't 'nag' because it somehow does the opposite in our ADHD brains. What kicks my backside is someone saying something needs to be done and they start doing it, at which point I will leap in shouting 'NO! I'm doing it!'. And I do it!

It's a good job I live alone and no wonder I'm twice divorced! 😆

I'm finding this really interesting! The poster who said that 'the task initiation' function is often missing is exactly what I deal with at home. DH is a great husband, father etc but it drives me bonkers that he just can't pick up the phone to book a car service or do things that to me seem easy to just 'tick off'. We highly suspect DS has dyslexia and ADHD and it's been an interesting process of navel gazing into ourselves at the moment.

I am self diagnosed ADHD and display many of these traits shared on this forum. I live a clean, orderly house, but I just can’t do it. I am however, extremely hard working in other parts of my life and have a successful career so ADHD isn’t an excuse for laziness. I am however all or nothing or “now” or “not now”

Here are some household tips that (mostly) work for my family

• we split jobs - I do all laundry as it is mostly systematic and I cope well with this
• we have a cleaner - life changer
• we share cooking but make a plan together each week
• we have set routines for the week
• at work I’m a teacher, so my day is split into hourly chunks for me - this definitely helps
• I use phone apps for everything - birthdays, calendar, Christmas lists, banking, etc
• i write a monthly to do list for all domestic tasks and jobs - including mental load stuff
• when I do clean - I work my way around a room from one side to another - creating a system.
• I use the Alexa to play music for a time period (eg 10 minutes) to motivate me to start something -

my husband does carry a lot of the domestic duties and is amazing and it does frustrate him that I just can’t manage lots of things but I have definitely had to adopt coping strategies and don’t just settle into “i can’t do it”

as someone else pointed out, I wish I could do this stuff and hate myself for it!

It's really, really difficult. I don't even have a list of tasks I want my husband to do, I just wish he would stop making my life more difficult. Starting ridiculous projects that he's never going to finish, which leaves the house more broken than it was in the first place. Or randomly unplugging the freezer for some Very Important Reason, then forgetting to plug it back in again. And just the constant mess and general chaos.

I've always worked part time, and we've managed. But I finally took a full time promotion that I've always wanted, and now I just don't have the bandwidth to absorb the extra work and stress any more. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, and there's no malice behind it, but it's still very difficult to live with.

What are high dopamine tasks please?

It doesn’t bother me

Do it yourself. Emptying a few bins and hanging a picture won’t kill you. It’s like getting shitty over who’s gonna load or unload the dishwasher or I took the dog for a walk last time.

Perhaps it’s just me but if I see something that needs doing, like the upstairs bins, I get on and do it. And yes I work full time and have three kids. It just doesn’t worry me.

This. I have ADD but because i'm aware of it i can manage it and put systems in place, WORK on it. NT DP is just a lazy bastard in the house.

You can't catch ADHD. If it passed down it's generic, not because they saw DH being scatty.

I have ADHD so do my DC, but this behavior you're describing sounds like average NT behavior of a slightly lazy dh.

We manage these things by having a shared todoist app. We have a household list and we have an hour or two across the weekend where we each tick things off it. Once dh has started he might tick a few off so he 'wins' bless him, not realising that in doing so I have won

I am starting to feel the same.

It's exhausting.

I'm reading these suggestions of "you can start it off for him" or "you can do it together" or "just do it yourself" and it makes me so angry and resentful.

Why the fuck should I have to do everything?

This isn't the life I chose.

Add in the emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitive dysmorphia and a lot of the time I honestly feel like would be easier without him.

I also start a job and as soon as I get the drill/ladders out he has to take over which was the plan all along

I would not be accepting this behaviour from somebody who is 'self diagnosed'. How come he can perform at work but not at home? ADHD affects every area of my life including school, work, parenting etc.

100%. It is draining to live with and has resulted in ADHD being passed down to at least two of our children. DH is great, I love him and he operates work-wise at a very high capacity but fuck me I am over living with so many people with ADHD!!

My biggest tip OP is routines and systems and pushing your DH to get diagnosed. Diagnosis may mean meds and meds have massively helped my family members with ADHD. My high school son has greatly benefited from an ADHD coach as well.

Explain it’s upsetting you and you both need a strategy. Ask him to put a reminder on his phone about the bins and other routine tasks so you don’t have to remind him. Put a list of household DIY on the fridge - picture frames, flat pack furniture building etc.

My dh is also self diagnosed ADHD and is exactly like this. His Christmas presents are still in the corner of the living room floor - mine and the kids were put away on Boxing Day. Over the last few years he has promised time and time again to do various things (voluntarily) but never does, hence I have laid decking on my own, fixed the heating, fixed broken toilets. I don't have any answers, but share your frustration.
Last week he went to the shop for something dd needed for school and came back with 5 other items and had completely forgotten the thing she needed. This is a regular occurrence, as is losing his keys, wallet, important documents, his glasses, his laptop charger, his headphones. I wish he would go and get properly diagnosed as medication may help, but he can never get round to making a follow up appointment with the GP after I made him the initial appointment to get the forms (which he has probably lost).

I know if he has ADHD he can't help it, but it is like having 4 children in the house who all need me to do the emotional labour of their lives for them.