Partners with ADHD

I understand that's me, that's why I used myself as an example.

I know not everyone is the same and everyone has different issues and abilities.

That doesn't stop us needing to take responsibility for ourselves. Not necessarily for others but more so for ourselves.

When I used to be late all the time in my 20s, wayyyy before I got diagnosed and even knew women could have ADHD, the amount of stress I caused myself was immeasurable.

Not only was I letting people down, work sometimes down and family, I was causing myself the greatest distress. I couldn't keep living like that. It was causing huge RSD and self hatred.

I am unable to retain things and I used to double book all the time, miss appointments, forget tasks and all sorts. So I used what tools were available to me to stop this. Mainly for myself. I'm not perfect and not claiming to be. I still have many issues I am dealing with one at a time, whilst being unmedicated.

But we cannot pretend that we can't have some autonomy in how we manage ourselves. No there isn't a one size fits all but that's on us to find what does work for us individually. To help us better and enrich our lives. I don't want to make my life hard or my partner's. It's already so damn difficult. So I try my best to alleviate it when and where I can. I hope you understand where I am coming from.

I still mess up believe me! But I keep on.

Mine does cooking but oh the herbs and spices. Last night's meal even he put into the bin. I had bread and jam later.

@kimberlie for me, high dopamine tasks are things that produce fast, very pleasing results without too much thought, usually that I can multitask with.

So for example (and bear with!!)...

I wanted to make a load of i-cord, thats a knitted or crocheted cord from yarn. I wanted to make it fast and easily. In order to get to sit doing that, I made my own latch-hook tool (which involved hand carving wood, ordering hooks, working out how to make the handle and set the hooks in it), sanding (yuck, ugh, dust and vibrations), gluing (sticky. ugh.)... ) as it turned out crocheting or knitting wasn't fast enough.

Then I had to teach myself to use the tool I had made.

Took a week. Took me two nights to produce a whole yarn balls worth of icord, nearly 10 metres of cord, whilst I also watched tv. I HATE sitting watching tv without my hands busy and if I do, I end up doom scrolling and missing the program! So doing something like this, I actually get to also enjoy watching tv.

Super low dopamine task - tax return.

Put it off for 11.9 months. All the data required for that is on my computer, the job in fact took me two hours when I eventually did it. Zero real effort at all.

So thats the difference, for high dopamine, we'll often go to rather extreme lengths like i have here, to be able to just perform the task.

I suspect there's also an issue about how we divide our capacity. I have a job and do ok with the house and children (although honestly, I rarely do the jobs OP says her husband doesn't do). But I also only work 4 days a week in a low-stress job. If I was working in a job that required lots of executive function, with longer hours, then I would get virtually nothing done at home. I was able to walk out on a high-stress career and work for several years for minimum wage because I had DH's support. I suspect that fewer men have the option to do that.

There seems a correlation though between women (mothers in particular) coming up with coping mechanisms because they realise other people depend on them and no one else will pick up the slack. See also, wives doing the research about their dh's condition, working out ways to help them be motivated etc, while the man gets on with doing whatever he wants, and seeks no help or diagnosis.

Apart from doing the cooking, DH struggles with the “recognising task needs doing”. So when things are going well, we have a lot of daily/weekly routines which we both happily stick to. When life gets in the way and routines are out the window, he won’t think “it’s been ages since the oven/fridge/etc was cleaned, I should do it” and that’s when resentment builds up in me. Routines are our way of keeping on an even keel.

My DH (undiagnosed potential ADHD) does all of the cooking in our house and I think this might be a high-dopamine task? He enjoys it, can be creative with it and knows it needs doing daily for us to survive so no need to nag!

I'm not sure you have ADHD as someone who actually has this would have better understanding.
A sense of 'pride' doesn't alleviate the problems of executive functioning.

So people who don't have the same coping mechanism that you do, lack pride and don't care about their families.

I find it sad how deeply ingrained prejudice towards disabled people is in our society, that even people with the same diagnosis feel so very comfortable to be disablist and sneer at those who find life harder than they do, and say that their difficulties could be overcome if only they had more pride in themselves, or loved their families more.

That is disablism, right there, and you aren't doing anyone with ADHD any favours, including yourself, by suggesting that people can overcome adhd simply by being a "better" person. One day maybe you'll come up against something that your ADHD means you struggle with. I hope nobody is standing by to tell you that the reason you can't do it is because you have no pride in yourself and that you don't love your family enough.

He's doing the grouting, did a bit of shouting that it was mould. Which I bleached and scrubbed at time and again. But he's doing it. Trouble is I need a shower 🙈😂

Great but that’s you. Others will present differently and worse. It’s a journey and a personal one. It isn’t others can drive for you. The biggest thing we’ve been told in our group is to be kind to ourselves. Pressuring, berating and lecturing will just make it worse.

That all costs money and works with varying success. I’m in a support group for people that have both. The ability and success of coping mechanisms varies hugely as does the severity of the condition. 2 of my children present a lot worse in many ways but differently to another child and myself.

No way would phone reminders help me as phone usage really impacts my inattentive brain and I’m trying to cut down and put it completely away from me for much of the day.

One size just doesn’t suit all.

Whilst I understand that people have different coping mechanisms, it's not fair to not try to help yourself at all. My partner doesn't deserve me not cleaning or making food because I get overwhelmed and stressed. It makes him stressed if he does it all. I've learned to tackle it in bits, rather in one big go.

We all have a responsibility for ourselves too. It makes our lives better to help manage ourselves and be less stressed. And I say this as someone who is choosing to be unmedicated. I am using other methods to stay accountable. Now I have knowledge of myself, I try very hard to keep going. I don't always manage but I try. I hold down a job, an 18 year relationship and I drive. I'm self sufficient. And I'm proud I can do that.

Whilst self diagnosis is important, you don't know for sure it is ADHD.

SO first things first he needs an assessment and if he does have it, then he can have access to medication and therapy for this. I went private as the waiting lists are too long.

Secondly, being an arsehole is not necessarily part of being ADHD. Your personality is separate from that.

We do have things we cannot help but there is responsibility to use methods, tools, technology or treatments to help with those abilities we cannot help ourselves with.

Remind your husband that he has a responsibility to help manage his condition if has it.

I sought diagnosis last year after years of many many issues that I had no idea were my brain causing. I thought I was just stupid and lazy. When in fact, I am none of those things.

My biggest help is my phone calendar. Every task I need to remember, appointment, birthday or meeting Etc. Goes in there with multiple reminders. 1 week ahead, 1 day ahead, 1 hour ahead and ten mins ahead. Planners, notebooks and wall charts do not help at all.

Get your husband to see an adhd coach for life management planning after diagnosis. I intend to do the same. Also I got work on board to help me stay more focused. They've been amazing with work related reasonable adjustments. Good luck op.

I've developed them myself because i have a sense of pride, i care about my husband and children. So yeah

Also the husband in the op hasn’t got his diagnosis yet. Medication aside a diagnosis will be massively helpful. I don’t take the medication suggested but the report and process have both been hugely informative.I am now waiting for management therapy.

Absolutely.

I have ADHD and Autism as do my children. Our coping abilities vary and how it presents. ADHD presents differently in women and men too hence women going undiagnosed for years.

Or, you have more coping mechanisms to deal with your adhd than op's husband does.

He does it on purpose.

I (f) have been diagnosed with ADHD and my DH doesn't have to put up with that shit from me.

Where i have struggles, i put in extra effort to make up for them, not use them as an excuse to do sweet fa.

That's weaponised incompetence.

My DH is going through the (slow) process of getting diagnosed for ADHD, but all of what you said is very similar to the way we work too.
Idk if this will help, but I had developed a 3-day-rule in my house.
So I’ll notice an incomplete task on Monday, I will keep my eye on it, but not nag bc he knows what his jobs are still an adult after all
and if it’s still not done by Wednesday I’ll politely remind him along the lines of “Hey I noticed X (the bins for example) on Monday and they’re still not done… when you find a minute today, I’d appreciate them to sorted please” and usually he’ll go “ah crap, you’re right I’ve been putting it off I’ll do it immediately” and then I would give myself the grace to nag from that point 🤭
that’s just us tho, hope you find a system that works 🩷

Slightly different here, we're both dx, him ASD and me ASD/ADD... him through the NHS channels and me privately, because it makes no odds to me, I can't have any medical treatment anyway, he potentially might in the future.

I do let a lot slide.

I have to point out jobs that need doing, he won't see them.

I come up (with his input) ways to work around stuff - for example, written lists, not giving verbal instructions more than two items long.

He will always be easily distracted though, I have spent the better part of 40 years masking and working out my own workarounds, as I have had to. He, until he lived with me a/had no idea he was ASD and b/lived with his parents so he just had to go to work, come home, keep his own room tidy, no other responsibilities!

So when it comes to time management, I understand and im well practiced at say, swapping laundry from washer to dryer whilst the kettle boils, doing the washing up/wiping surfaces down whilst food cooks.

He will just sit and doom scroll on his phone whilst waiting, he can't multitask like that.

His natural understanding of time passing is not the same as mine either - in his mind, the time he spends thinking about doing a job is added to the time spent doing the job. He feels (genuinely I am sure) that he spends a minute or two having a sit down before doing something and is shocked to find out he has been sat for half an hour or an hour in reality.

This does lead to friction as theres often a lot to do, I am dependent on him doing may physical tasks as he is my carer and I can't do them!

You can see it in his responses to conversation too, where a NT person would have a pause of a few seconds, if that, before responding, DP will respond anywhere from a minute to five minutes later, often if theres other people around the conversation has long moved on and his response is now irrelevant which then makes things awkward and clumsy.

Sometimes, he has thought of his answer but not given it and is unaware of this, and does not make a noise, no hmm, umm, general 'I have heard you and I am thinking' type response either. Then I tend to nag, and then he gets cross as he thinks he has responded... and hasn't!

One I have got up to speed with and no longer throws me at all, but does others, is the random comments relating to something we were talking about earlier (hours or even days!), which pop up prompted by something... anything.. or nothing at all, vaguely linked. I can usually get on track with where his mind was in a few seconds now but it used to take a while!

Some of it is infuriating and sometimes he is genuinely being a lazy fuck (as I can be too!) but mostly it isn't intentional and we have muddled along for the last 19 years without murdering one another!!

I highly recommend the 2-part episode on ADHD that the podcast Oligies did. It featured Dr Russell Barkley who is an expert in ADHD & really helped me understand DH better.

Medication has made a big difference (we went via Right to Choose - took about 6 months I think? The ADHD UK website has a really helpful guide). I did support him with accessing RTC, with ensuring he filled in the forms & did the blood pressure monitoring etc for medication. I saw it as benefiting both of us tbh.

We definitely noticed a big difference when he was off meds recently due to medication shortages.

Since starting medication, he seems more able to "activate" & will spontaneously start doing something like cleaning the kitchen worktops, for example, because he can a) see it needs doing and b) start the task - whereas without meds he either wouldn't recognise it or couldn't start it.

I'm the one with self-diagnosed ADHD - dh does carry some of the burden but I'd say it's a blessing and a curse - I get immersed in projects and have huge amounts of energy to get stuff done - the problem is if I can't get into something I really struggle with getting it done - if I have no interest I can't do it and at times he has found that frustrating but at other times the momentum and determination I can throw at something can be quite impressive. I married a very tolerant man!

This is so sad for so many reasons. I can relate to some of what you say.