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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday gifts

39 replies

CuppaTeaNeeded · 16/02/2024 07:40

NRP gives DC £300 gifts on their 18th birthdays

NRP has more DC with new partner they get £600 gifts on their 18th (as it’s both parents contributing).

Is this fair / right?

YABU - of course not, all DC should get the same from the NRP household

YANBU - yes it is, first children also have RP gift so the second children should get 2 x the amount as they only have one household

OP posts:
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EighteenBaldingStars · 16/02/2024 17:57

I also think people saying YABU might be confused by your voting options!

Of course it's fair. Unless your dp was the only earner amomg the three of you or something, but that isn't the case.

Totally fair - if she wants to join forces with her ex and get him a big present maybe that's an option?

10ThousandSpoons · 16/02/2024 17:56

CuppaTeaNeeded · 16/02/2024 16:04

I’m the second partner. DHs ex kicking off because our children may get more for their birthday’s. DS has told SDB what he might get not realising what they were given (biggish age gap).
Otherwise have always been treated the same.
They won’t get double but I do think they should get slightly more due to not having a second family.
I can’t fully say it’s ’my half’ or DHs half as we have family money and always have done (I earn more not then DH but he earnt more for a long time).

She needs to wind her fucking neck in

10ThousandSpoons · 16/02/2024 17:54

It's fair but might need explaining to the kids who get less

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/02/2024 17:52

Perfectly fair. RP can make up the difference presumably?

Lovingitallnow · 16/02/2024 17:50

I can understand how kids would be hurt if they see it as their parent favouring their half siblings. It's really tough. It's basically highlighting that they aren't a full member of the family, only a half member of the family unit- which is totally fine if that's the case.

hottchocolate · 16/02/2024 17:48

I think it applies to inheritance too. I have DSC and DH and I agree our estate should be split so half goes to our (my) DC and his "half" is shared between all DC because my SDC also have a mother they will most likely inherit from.

Original poster
CuppaTeaNeeded · 16/02/2024 17:46

StarlightLime · 16/02/2024 17:23

Oh God, there's a drip feed. Why isn't you say it was you in the original post, op?
Your voting options don't make sense either.

Why is it a drip feed? It’s either fair or it’s not regardless of who is asking the question?

OP posts:
hottchocolate · 16/02/2024 17:44

I think it's fair. It doesn't matter what RP is spending - all the kids are getting a gifts from their father and mother. Your DC are getting presents from all their parents.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 16/02/2024 17:32

OP it’s perfectly fair and fine. Just tell the EX that DH is giving each child £300 (she needn’t know about your joint finance set up)
Tell her you have also chosen to give £300 to yours and she can also give £300 to her DCs if she wants to
if she decided to give hers £500 each then I’m sure there wouldn’t be an issue that hers have £800 and yours £600!

LittleMousewithcloggson · 16/02/2024 17:27

StarlightLime · 16/02/2024 17:23

Oh God, there's a drip feed. Why isn't you say it was you in the original post, op?
Your voting options don't make sense either.

I thought it was pretty obvious OP was the second wife/partner and was referring to her step children. She gave the option YANBU if people thought it was fair

StarlightLime · 16/02/2024 17:23

Oh God, there's a drip feed. Why isn't you say it was you in the original post, op?
Your voting options don't make sense either.

Snowsp · 16/02/2024 17:23

I think though the child's mum may not give them £300 or 300 worth of gifts. Which is their choice but will mean the child isn't treated the same.

Zanatdy · 16/02/2024 17:20

Very fair as child’s mother will also be giving them a gift.

StarlightLime · 16/02/2024 17:17

Of course it's fair. Presumably your kids only got half the amount their siblings got because you didn't give them anything?!
Your kids have two parents too.

Original poster
CuppaTeaNeeded · 16/02/2024 17:10

NewName24 · 16/02/2024 16:09

Looking at all the comments, 100% of which say it is fair, I think your voting options have confused some people as there are 39% thinking it isn't ?

Yes probably! Or its people who don’t agree but not reasoned enough to say why.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 16/02/2024 16:09

Looking at all the comments, 100% of which say it is fair, I think your voting options have confused some people as there are 39% thinking it isn't ?

Original poster
CuppaTeaNeeded · 16/02/2024 16:04

I’m the second partner. DHs ex kicking off because our children may get more for their birthday’s. DS has told SDB what he might get not realising what they were given (biggish age gap).
Otherwise have always been treated the same.
They won’t get double but I do think they should get slightly more due to not having a second family.
I can’t fully say it’s ’my half’ or DHs half as we have family money and always have done (I earn more not then DH but he earnt more for a long time).

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 11:13

oh sorry wrong thread 🤔

Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 11:12

I hope you’re through your catastrophic debt problem op

BobbyBiscuits · 16/02/2024 09:29

@OdinsHorse Yeah, good point. They don't. I guess if her kid stays round there and stuff she might think the woman might see him more like a son?
I guess if OP has a new partner with children, and she will be paying them hundreds of pounds in the same vein as her own then she's entitled to think it might be rude. Otherwise, not so much. The other woman is hardly going to advocate the step kid getting more than her own children so I fully agree.

Phoeebee · 16/02/2024 09:28

Yes its fair, as presumably RP will be contributing too. Your poll questions are confusing so I don't think you're getting the right result on your poll. Both answers seem to mean the same.

OdinsHorse · 16/02/2024 09:15

BobbyBiscuits · 16/02/2024 09:14

I guess the assumption is you would also give them a gift. So the other kids are getting the same thing really, just from 2 people at once as they are a couple.
I don't think this sounds bad at all really. I guess maybe your ex's partner could be a bit more generous towards your kid, but it is her choice to only gift her own children, assuming half is 'her share'.

Why does exs partner need to contribute more to DC that are not hers?

Does OP contribute to exs other DC?

BobbyBiscuits · 16/02/2024 09:14

I guess the assumption is you would also give them a gift. So the other kids are getting the same thing really, just from 2 people at once as they are a couple.
I don't think this sounds bad at all really. I guess maybe your ex's partner could be a bit more generous towards your kid, but it is her choice to only gift her own children, assuming half is 'her share'.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2024 09:10

It’s fine.

OdinsHorse · 16/02/2024 09:10

NRP is giving £300 to his DC with OP, and £300 to his DC with other partner

Why are you borrowing trouble when you dont need to?