Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

We would always either tell people what we plan to cook before buying or ask for things people don't eat. We want them to enjoy the food.

That said, if someone was cooking something I didn't like but was not allergic to, I myself would keep schtum.

@PostItInABook and @Oneofthesurvivors have hit the nail on the head.

Maybe your friend's delivery of their needs wasn't great, but they were trying to help you cater for them and not waste money. Had you asked in advance? I doubt their intention was to be rude when they messaged you.

We don't get to pick which food we can or can't tolerate so I truly hope you don't make them sit uncomfortably at the dinner table, knowing they can't eat what you've served.

Hmmm they could just not want you to waste time cooking a lovely meal that they won't eat any of. I'd prefer to know tbh

Not that it matters but I am also autistic so you don’t need to tell me how annoying it is when neurodivergence is used to excuse poor behaviour. That isn’t what I was doing. I was responding to other posters who were stating they hate picky / fussy eaters, not the OP specifically. Perhaps that wasn’t clear because I didn’t specifically quote anyone.

Edit: I responded to your post prior to your edit and because you quoted my post btw.

YANBU. SIL does this, I know the “big ticket” items she won’t eat, and design menus to avoid them. She arrives with PIL for weekend visits, at some point I will outline what we’re eating and she won’t say a word. Then after it’s cooked/as I’m plating will say “oh, I’ll just have some of X instead”. Really grinds my gears.

I would not ask guests what they do.or don't eat, I would expect them to tell me when accepting the invitation. If I was going to cook something unusual such as shellfish I might check but to be honest apart from a few vegetarians my friends eat most normal foods. If I cooked roast chicken or lasagne or stew or pasta they would eat it. Mind you I don't have formal dinner parties, people sometimes bring their own dish or contribution or are welcome to say if they want a variation if it's not cooked by the time they arrive!

I haven’t defended the guests in this instance, I agree it’s not right to do any last minute ‘oh btw I won’t eat your food’, I am defending pickiness in general (I’m not the one who has derailed the thread down this point, I’ve just responded to those who have), I’ve never used any neurodiversity to defend twatty behaviour

If I’m hosting, I ask if anyone had any allergies/dietary requirements/preferences. Lots of people for example do not like coriander, or might say they aren’t very tolerant to spicy food. I think as the host, you should ask, to avoid the guest having to say, or turning up and being served something they really won’t enjoy.

Why do you keep inviting someone so fussy about food to dinner?

So was I, but having vommed up greasy spam fritters at primary school because I had my horrid deputy head standing over me telling me to eat them because my mum had paid for it... And vommed up whole tinned tomatoes because I was brought up to eat what I was given so I wasn't rude to the person hosting me. These kind of experiences can traumatise people... I've never eaten a raw tomato since. Or spam for that matter. 😆

i think we need to stop with the over obsession with being rude
No, I don't think we should <amused>

As a host, if I had guests who I hadn't cooked for before, I would check if they had any dislikes or allergies beforehand so I could cater for something they liked.

Nothing worse than having to eat something you hate for politeness sake.

I have one friend who is the pickiest eater I know. No fish, no tomatoes or cheese or eggs or lamb or cream or mash or green veg or - etc etc. On and On goes the list. I have known her 20 years and add new things all the time. I now have her over and either do fillet steak with garlic mushrooms and chips or we order a Chinese. For someone so fussy, she is a solid size 28 and I’m impressed she managed it.

everyone else I do ask dietary requirements or anything they “loathe” and mostly people reply saying they “eat everything” which is easy and almost certainly not 100% true.

@AlizeeEasy Husband and I are ND too and like people with allergies very quick to state our issues. Always offer to bring our own food if it's a problem.
What I would not do is to present my host with a long list of things I can't eat, at the last minute.
Stop using neurodivergence as an excuse for twat behaviour, yes some people may have judged you but that's a different subject for discussion. This is about making your needs known in advance and appreciating the effort of the host.

Of course hosts should work with their guests to cater properly but some things are just extreme. @whathappenedno for example of course she can't help it but I don't see how I can be expected to provide minute details of how I store and prepare the food so it's probably best if she brings her own.

Bear in mind that it's not just about the food. The host is also providing a clean, warm, comfy place to gather and isn't costing you £££ unlike a restaurant unless you have to take a very expensive train or something. Be gracious, unless they're actively hostile.

I bet if you did this he would try some of the other stuff. It's surprising how often vegans or those with dairy intolerances will eat something with milk or eggs in if they think it looks nice!

I've never cooked for anyone other than myself so I'm probably wouldn't think to ask, but my oh has a lot of food fads, he's autistic and I always let people know his dislikes, potatoes unless chipped or roast all vegetables. Best thing to cook him, fish and chips. Pizza chicken curry and jasmine rice. Pudding, all of the puddings. Meat and potatoes and gravy.

That’s just the oddest thing. Thinking you can force feed your guests,

why host if you can’t be arsed and find the whole thing a faff and beleive people should eat what they are given even if they don’t like it? I mean who thinks like that.

I don't get the be quiet and eat it anyway. There are foods I'm not keen on that I could eat in those circumstances, but food I genuinely don't like I would not be able to eat - most shell fish, blue cheese, beef, lamb, most pork spring to mind. Not that I'd complain, I'd try and pick out the bits I like as best I could.

It's only happened twice - beef lasagne at a friend of my parents house (with the added difficulty that my parents & I were staying with them to attend the funeral of a mutual friend), and at a wedding, some pork dish where the vegetables were in some kind of cider sauce that made them inedible as well, but nobody noticed I didn't eat it except DH and the people serving the food.

Nah, my friends like me enough to cater to my issues

How far in advance have they told you? And did you specifically ask your guests if there was anything to avoid before you did your shopping? If you didn't, is that maybe part of the reason why you're annoyed also?

Ordinarily, I would side with the idea that you do your best to eat what your given but I can also see what others have said about tolerating things that I could have avoided for the sake of a little honesty. If someone served me up a plate of seafood on a bed of raw tomatoes and olives (yes, I hope that's not a thing) I would genuinely not eat any of it. And if you served me up something mostly fishy, I would have liked to have been 'checked' with before you went to the effort, especially as that's a relatively common thing that people don't eat.

I would have expected you to ask (ie, is there anything you all specifically don't eat) and would have told you the things I really won't eat but wouldn't list every single vegetable or seasoning I'm not keen on. I wouldn't have told you without being asked though,, and especially not after you had made it clear you had already planned.
I don't think I'd class myself as fussy, there are a lot of things I wouldn't choose on a menu but would eat to be polite it given it. There are a few things I couldn't choke down without gagging even for the sake of good manners. Shellfish/raw fish basically any seafood except for straight forward fish fillets (which I don't like but could swallow) I just couldn't do. Ditto eggs that are cooked just as eggs (eg fried). If you didn't ask I'd just be praying there was enough else I could stir it around and leave it on my plate without being really obvious. Or smuggle it to the dog. I'd be stressed though as I would feel really rude not eating it.