Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

I am sympathetic to fussy eaters - I was incredibly fussy as a child. I refused to stay in people’s houses because I couldn’t face all the comments about dinner - I was quite happy to go without but that was never acceptable either. Eventually I learned to eat most things - still find fish and seafood challenging - I’ll eat it, I won’t enjoy it but it won’t kill me - I’d hate a guest to feel that way when they join us for food.

Although just recalling a woman I worked with who used to shout 'Anything that's not an allergy is a CHOICE' when it came to dietary requirements at events lol.

I'm intolerant to seafood makes me really ill. Can't have cream either. I would have shut up, filled up on vegetables, bread, and enjoyed the evening with friends.

I do ask guests beforehand if there's anything that they can't eat because of my own issues.

I think it boils down to how it was worded - if I said hey friends, let me know if you have any preferences etc and they said 'All good but I really dont like shellfish or anything too spicy, hope thats ok?' I dont have an issue.

I always ask if there is anything friends are ‘unable’ to eat. Covers allergies and dislikes without making anyone feel bad. This goes for friends we have known for 30 years as tastes can change. Some random stuff like beetroot appears on the list which is fine.

I don’t like goats cheese or feta but I would never say this to a host. I would just get on and try and eat it or leave a few pieces.

My (and others) life long issues with food have absolutely nothing to do with seeking attention. My food issues exist when I am alone, it is far from the first thing anyone learns about me.

you don’t have to go through life judging everyone who is different to you. I wish I didn’t have food issues, so much in life would have been easier.

Hosting has become increasingly difficult partly because in the Uk we don't have a national, or regional cuisine anymore. Whereas once upon a time, or still nowadays in many if not most other countries you can be pretty sure that the vast majority of people will be able ( allergies aside) to eat the local food, in the Uk this simply isn't possible.

People are honing in on their likes and dislikes because of the vast assortment of food available. You can easily live healthily without touching long lists of foods because there are so many others to choose from. This wasn't the case when dinner parties were most popular.
Now a host who wishes to please rather than just nourish the guests is left with the difficult task of inventing dishes to which exclude all types of food. It's a minefield and I'm not surprised that hosting is going out of fashion.

I am trying to work out what you could be cooking if almost every dish contains both cream and fish

I’d check beforehand. I now (sadly) have v specific requirements (which I mention straight off) and some friends have been amazingly accommodating, but I prefer to have people round these days.

You misunderstand- I always ask beforehand and cater for any fussy eaters or allergy suffers - to not tell me you don’t eat a certain food and then spend the whole time moving it around your plate is not better manners than telling me in the first place. Yes I’d have to say something - offer them something else because it would be obvious they weren’t happy - but privately I’d be annoyed they hadn’t been honest in the first place. Nothing wrong with being a fussy eater - I know a few, mostly younger relatives, I cater without judgement or we go to a restaurant/order in.

I think a lot depends on the level of the pickiness. It's one thing to say no spicy food or no seafood. Quite another to say no tomatoes, no salad, no sauces, no rice, no garlic, no onions etc etc etc.

They were probably waiting for you to ask and eventually realised that you weren’t going to. They were a bit rude but as the host I would have always asked.

TBH what’s worse are the people who flatly lie and claim they (or worse, their child) ‘eat everything’ and then miserably push their food around the plate because actually they don’t eat peppers / rice / eggs etc.

A selection of dishes containing seafood and cream would be a no for a lot of people. When you said a wide variety that doesn't sound like much of a variety to me.

I am not a fussy eater, and can count the number of things that won't pass my lips on one hand, shellfish being one (dislike) and cream in every dish being another (intolerance).

Bloody "you do you" culture has spread into our dinner parties, ruining it for the rest of us

They are rude but I would always ask for any special diets, allergies or very strong preferences before going to any effort or expense of buying or preparing food. That’s hosting 101, surely.

Totally agree, this is why I’ve almost entirely stopped having groups of friends over for dinner. “Doesn’t eat mushrooms/eggs/chicken/tomatoes/creamy sauces/meaty sauces” or “can any pudding not have fruit/chocolate/cream”, like I’m a restaurant rather than a capable cook. I have food preferences, but I’m also an adult who’s grateful when someone else cooks for me and will enjoy the care they’re showing me, not use it as another way to prioritise my own likes and call it “boundaries” and “self-care”.

I know I’m a bit old-man-shouting-at-clouds about this topic, but I do feel sad that the normalisation of individual preferences over group enjoyment has spread even into sharing a meal.

Many years ago I didn't like salmon. Cooked or smoked, I thought it was bleurgh. I also didn't like prawns or beetroot.

On one occasion I went to a dinner party and was served salmon. I was unhappy but kept my thoughts to myself and ate the salmon. Another time at lunch I was served prawns and beetroot. Feeling very sad but also polite, I proceeded to eat the prawns and beetroot.

Turned out I loved them all! But the point is I kept my thoughts to myself and ate the food anyway.

I have a few friends like this and honestly, no hard feelings. The way I go around it is not to host them at home again and just meet them at a restaurant where they can choose what to eat.i obviously accommodate for allergies and vegetarians as much as I can.

The only thing I resent is when they start making a loud fuss of what they don’t like and ruining it for the rest of us. My SIL is a master for this, if she doesn’t like the food she starts getting very vocal about it, picks a fight with the staff and makes sure you are aware she cannot possibly comprehend how you are eating that if you were unlucky to choose the same.

I do think there’s a very big difference between absolute dealbreaker foods and just stuff people don’t fancy.

I always ask people if I am catering and would never expect someone who was allergic/vegan/had a religious restriction or had a particularly strong aversion to something to stomach it just for the sake of appearances.

I can’t bear any kind of offal (including liver and kidney), physically can’t get it down, so I am always upfront about that. I’m not wild about pork belly or rhubarb but if I was presented with a plate of either at someone’s house I would be able to get through them so I would keep this to myself.

But I think a very picky list of “likes” sent at short notice is a bit entitled. No one has a right to eat their ideal food at any given moment.

To be honest OP, though at first I thought you should hàce checked in advance, when I realised it was more of a mezze, sharing style meal (almost a buffet as I am imagining it) with approx tent dishes, I think it is ok not to check. When I used to host stuff, if I was doing starter/main/dessert I would of course check for preferences, but when I was doing more or a buffet for a larger number I never did because otherwise you could tie yourself up in knots. I just made sure there was some meat, some seafood, some veggie, and some vegan, and that at least some options were gluten free, and went from there ....

If there are a range of dishes I think it is rude of this couple to inform you the husband can't eat some of them, as why does it matter? Unless there wasn't anything at all he could eat? (And out of 19 dishes that sounds really unlikely). It's as if he expects the entire meal to revolve around his preferences.....

Not worth falling out with them over tho OP, as they are otherwise nice people you say. Maybe they were just having a bad day, or expressed themselves badly, or something ......

I wouldn't adapt your plans too much. As long as there are one or two things he can eat, I would just crack on! Provide extra bread, or whatever the carbs are, if need be.....

Hear, hear!

Rude if not asked. I don’t eat lamb and if anyone ever cooks me dinner they do ask if any dislikes and I say I don’t eat lamb, but I’d never give a list of preference without being asked. Just say you’ve already bought the food so they can eat around what they don’t like

oh don't be silly dipping bread In sauce is worse than not eating the food!

You are being rude and unreasonable. Any time I host people I ask ahead of time if they have any allergies or food preferences. I don’t want to serve my guests food that they hate.

Some people also have sensory issues and can’t bear certain foods because of texture or strong flavours.

Yes, it’s annoying when you have to cater to a lot of different preferences, but you chose to host. Next time suggest a restaurant where everyone can pick what they like and pay for themselves.

In short, you should have asked, not waited for your guests to volunteer the information.

Allergies and religious requirements aside, I think it’s incredibly rude to dictate to the host your food requirements. I’d rather fussy guests refused the invitation for dinner and joined us later in the evening. Nothing kills a vibe more than people who don’t enjoy a meal.