Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

It’s a bit awkward, I can see why you’re annoyed but would you really be happy serving people food they don’t like? What’s the point of that?

@ftp

I invited DHs cousin who was in the area for a meal. Told her roast dinner.^ She asked to bring a friend. FOUR people turned up - all refused veg AFTER I was plating up. Not much left to divide the just meat potatoes and yorkies meant for 2 between 4.^

Oh my goodness - how bloody rude of your cousin! I hope you read her the riot act afterwards and not invited her for a meal since. 🌹

They were absolutely rude to present you with a list, and even more rude to let you know so soon before the meal, but bloody hell, some of the responses on here. All this ‘’You should eat what you’re given and pretend you like it’’ What on earth is the point of going to a dinner to eat something you don’t like just for the sake of politeness?

If I was a host I’d want to know what my guests enjoy, as that’s the entire point of hosting and attending dinner parties. I do get your point, OP, it’s the idea that someone shouldn’t ever make their preferences known at any point that I find baffling. Why would anyone want to put themselves through eating something they can’t stand, or the hosts cooking going to waste?

Absolutely!

I invited DHs cousin who was in the area for a meal. Told her roast dinner.
She asked to bring a friend. FOUR people turned up - all refused veg AFTER I was plating up. Not much left to divide the just meat potatoes and yorkies meant for 2 between 4.

Tbh I'd rather someone tell me what they don't like so I wouldn't waste my money or time.
If I was planning on asking someone to dinner, I would tell them beforehand what I was preparing and then if there is any food issues or aversions, they can tell me. I'd rather my guests have a good time but that's just me.

I've had to tell people about my intolerance to chilli due to my IBS. Surely that's a good thing to do so I don't embarrass myself or them?

I guess it's different for everyone.

Ofcourse it’s not rude. Why would you want to spend all that money cooking something they won’t eat? If they tell you at least you can make something people actually like.

I never understand people who host and just assume that everyone will like X dish.

Most people aren't meticulous and they do find it difficult@RampantIvy. And it's expensive too to make sure that every ingredient is nut free (for example). You're limited in the type of bread you buy as an accompaniment maybe. Usually only packaged products are safe, not the artisan loaf from the nearby bakery that you'd otherwise choose when having guests. Or the spice in your cupboard is may contain...that sort of thing. Many people with allergies have multiple allergies too which complcates things.

And most people are busy and they don't think of everything and I totally understand that. Some don't think of anything much. The meat is sliced on the same board nuts were chopped for the salad earlier, that sort of thing. Constant vigilance is needed and I hate being that person...again. No choice though.

Thank you for the care you go to when cooking.

I love cooking and baking for friends and family, and I always take on the special dietary requests when catering for fundraising events for the charity I volunteer for.

I understand about cross contamination and am meticulous about making sure that anything I make is safe to eat for people with food intolerance. It isn't difficult. If I am not sure about something I Google it.

All these “get over yourself/clean your plate/eat what you’re given” commenters sound like they don’t like cooking for people and for that matter, don’t much like their friends. Just as well so many here are saying they don’t bother now.

Lots of people have said upthread that they don't mind hosting people with allergies, but have no time for people who are fussy (less deserving apparently?)

I find this curious. I have allergies in my immediate family (anaphylaxis) and have mostly found people to be quite bad at catering for people with allergies with a few notable exceptions.

Most don't realise the lengths you need to go to to ensure a food is allergen free (or GF) where even a crumb matters.

It's actually much, much easier to cater for dislikes.

Well said @ToWhitToWhoo

As regards people with severe food allergies or digestive disorders or conditions such as coeliac disease- no, there probably aren't a lot of starving/ malnourished adults with these disorders, because they would mostly have died in childhood without access to food that they could eat without it causing illness. In fact, to give an example, lactose intolerance is commoner in non-white than white ethnic groups; and there have been tragic cases where well-meaning charities have given powdered milk to malnourished Asian people, and some have died due to it causing diarrhoea and vomiting on top of their existing malnutrition.

And many people in poor communities, where malnutrition is common, do nevertheless belong to religions which set dietary restrictions. For example, India is home to many Hindus. Sikhs and Buddhists, all of whom have dietary restrictions and some of whom practice vegetarianism, and Jains, all of who are vegetarians.

So it's not as simple as 'only rich well-fed people ever have dietary restrictions'.

In any case, if you're hosting someone, you don't just want their experience to be marginally better than starving. You want it to be a pleasant experience.

No one is OBLIGED to host big meals; and I myself, not being an accomplished cook, tend to prefer having people for coffee or tea. Some people just prefer meeting for other types of activity than meals. But hosts should not act like harsh and judgemental 1970s school dinner ladies, demanding that their guests 'make clean plates'.

I remember, as a teenager, going to stay with my mum’s friend for a fortnight in the summer. She asked mum if there was anything dsis and I didn’t eat, and mum told her we didn’t eat liver - we both loathed it. The friend gave us liver pate sandwiches and, having been brought up to eat what we were given without complaining, we forced ourselves to eat it.

She decided that mum must be wrong about us hating liver, and the next time we stayed, she made liver casserole. It was horrible - utterly nauseating - my sister refused to eat it. I didn’t feel like I could - I was afraid of getting in trouble - so I literally held my breath and forced each mouthful down - it was the worst thing I have ever eaten.

If I had to eat it now, as an adult, I’m not sure I could put a brave face on it, though I would do my best not to hurt the cook’s feelings.

@ScierraDoll - maybe there is nothing that you absolutely hate to eat - so maybe you can’t imagine what it is like to force something down that is making you feel sick - I have, and it is a pretty miserable experience. Few of us are going to be at the point of malnutrition or starvation, so why would we eat something that we find vile?

I bet there are not a lot of starving people in the world who insist on gluten free or vegan or vegetarian options.
Get over yourself

@ScierraDoll
Try telling that to a coeliac.

Put on a brave face????? FFS they are adults, there may be food items that they do not care for but they are grown ups. They can eat it.
I bet there are not a lot of starving people in the world who insist on gluten free or vegan or vegetarian options.
Get over yourself

If it was a dear friend then just wouldn't mind at all. I want them to feel comfortable and would hate them to force down something they don't like. Just awful! I'd rather they had a fun evening.

We often eat at friends houses and have never been offered a choice of starters, mains and dessert. They aren't a restaurant.

well we will have to agree to differ.

Amongst my friends it really would not be unusual to be offered a choice of starters and mains. I agree my curry example was a poor one (although to claim - you'd never offer a curry to people coming round says more about your cooking and lack of imagination than anything else.)
I do actually mean that I would offer two dishes.

Maybe it is because I have lived in cultures where it is normal to have several dishes on the table. But to me it is not odd and allows people choice and avoids problems with people not liking a particular dish.

There is no food wastage, we just have left overs for dinner the next day.

I know it’s really annoying when your a host and plan a certain meal and people give different ideas. It’s actually soooo annoying!
I always ask my guests if there are any foods they don’t eat such as fish, meat etc and then just plan around that so that there is at least an option for someone who doesn’t like a certain food / dish.

We went to a family Christmas meal (20 of us) and the host served fish as the only option (with potatoes & veg). I don’t actually eat fish at all, but that’s what’s she served so I just ate the veg & potatoes. I did try the fish but I just couldn’t eat it. I didn’t complain I just didn’t eat it.
But then I had all the comments like “was it not cooked to your liking” or “what a waste”. But I didn’t know she was going to serve fish so hadn’t reminded her I didn’t eat fish -
She originally said she will do a meat & veggie option but changed her mind.

This

@StarlightLime foods a big social thing on society. Family gatherings, friends catching up etc. For me it's balance between not isolating myself and not putting myself in uncomfortable situations. For example our in-laws are further away so a visit is usually over night and includes at least 2/3 meals

Why would you accept an invitation to dinner in the first place?

Weirdly I hosted a baby shower we ordered Thai food. I had a chilli dish. Ten minutes later head down the loo. A few months later did the same after chilli dish. When it happened the third time I decided no more chilli. I didn't feel sick my gut just rejected the meal quickly and violently.

Could depend on what's hot for someone - I was served chicken with a supposedly very mild peanut sauce (don't know what it was called - satay? Is that Indian?) and I couldn't manage it. Couple of mouthfuls and it was burning.

I was another brought up on meat and three veg and apart from the many varieties of pasta and a couple of versions of chow mein, I'm more than happy to stay with that.