Comments from SIL about daughter’s school

Well said @IgglePiggledidawiggle

@FUPAgirl
All three of mine begged to board because they felt they were missing out on stuff in a school that is more than 90% boarding with only two day houses.
We lived near and couldn’t see the point initially.
In the end we decided to let them. They loved it. Lots of extra stuff to do in the evenings and weekends particularly extra 1/1 sports and specialist lectures.
Things that we could never arrange simply because they are not available here…
They became more independent, they thrived!

Agree@Kattenburg we live in a democracy which gives us all the right to make choices on how we spend our money. Yet people do feel they have to criticise this one financial choice when I have never heard private parents criticise the state system in the way those do with the private.

No millstones here either my kids are all very independent and friends who teach at University have commented private work far more independently whereas in recent years the majority of state kids need to be spoon fed all the way through.

However, It’s important to note all people are different and generalising is discrimination.

I would never compare kids education when employing someone.

Well in this case we know, because OP has told us, that the cousins parents DO want their DD to go to this school (not as a boarder) but can't afford it.

@FUPAgirl why don’t you ask your children in an even handed manner what they think of it as an option for education as opposed to making the judgement on their behalf? Tonight, (or today if you are on half term) lay out all the positives (and negatives) of boarding versus where they are now. Obviously taking out anything to do with financials so they think it’s a real option. I would be genuinely interested in their response.

This is a crazy response! I honestly don't know anyone who would want to send their DC to boarding school, I find it fascinating that this is perceived as jealousy. I would find it very hard to understand a family member choosing to do this.

@TizerorFizz yes exactly. My whole point. All mine go. Love it. Have different strengths and so all have a different school experience but one that is suited to them. Then when they come home we have massive amounts of family time which is precious whilst many of those that pour scorn on boarding schools often inhabit the ‘when is the school holiday ending’ threads.

@IgglePiggledidawiggle I did ask! Both DDs were enthusiastic. They had a very strong view about being with friends and no buses in the morning! Lots of things to do and clubs to go to. So they very much welcomed the space to be themselves. We don’t stop being parents or taking care of dc. We just don’t have homework angst or room tidy up dramas all the time!

As I posted on another thread, I would just like to ask those are so vitriolic about it (for the variety of horrible reasons laid out) if they could please lay out the opportunities for that type of education with your teenage kids?

Maybe go home from work tonight and explain it as even handedly as you can and see their reaction? Or would you just not, just in case they saw it as an opportunity to get some real independence, whilst knowing that they had you at home forever and always but that you were just helping them live their life and find their feet?

The one person on that other thread (yes only one after all that vitriol and guff) who took up that gauntlet then admitted that actually come the age of 13 - 14 she would offer it if she could afford it. Having told that everyone previously that it was basically social care for rich kids. So her view was exposed as bullshit on the basis of jealousy.

Come on people, go ask your kids the question. Cos I would be genuinely interested in their reactions.

@Bornonsunday I would see that as a description of the school and not being a snob in my book. They were 12 years old. Maybe they thought you were interested? Sometimes children do this and don’t read the room! I would give them a break.

I have seen the most snobby people at our local grammar. They really do think their dc and them are pretty special! They look down on the ones who go private because they didn’t have the brains to get to the grammar! We swerved them by DD boarding where most people were far less pushy! And yes, DD did pass the 11 plus.

I like this response because it really takes all the sting and judgement out of the comments and digs (which are extremely ignorant and prejudiced by the way, in the same way it would be in reverse, if you were sneering and disparaging your SILs education choices). It means you take all the power to hurt out of the comments and make it all seem a bit silly. Which it is! SIL must be very immature and jealous to be saying all this and trying to undermine a child and their experience of the world.

Not saying it's true I your case but I've actually come across "snobby" behaviour from those at private schools.

We gave dd's 12 year old two friends a lift back from an activity and they both spent the whole 45 min journey boasting about how amazing their private school is, what activities they do, what prizes they have won etc. It was pretty extreme and unpleasant. We had to tell dd that some people are snobby and like to boast as she was really upset.

I also had a work colleague mention his minor public school in conversation and ask me if I had heard of it!

Not that you're generalising or anything.

I don't think it is necessarily the old MN go-to of jealousy!
I would not send my dc to a private school because they tend to produce an arrogance in their students that most people find unpalatable.I suspect her cousin is picking up on this.Ditto the boarding for primary age children.Fundamentally wrong,imo.

I have a colleague who has enough money and connections to send her DC to any school in the country she chooses to. She's chosen the local state school because she's ideologically opposed to the private system. She spends most of her time working on equality projects and outreach programmes. Of course her DC are still privileged, they benefit from having wealthy, educated parents in plenty of other ways. But you have to know that some people genuinely don't think private school is a good thing?

Both things can still be true ie. They're not mutually exclusive - jealousy and snobbery. Everyone is different on their views.

Despite all the people that come on here and say how snobby and elitist private schools are and it's against their principles for some people to choose to pay for their kids, it's not their principles. They just don't want to make the sacrifices to give their kids a better education

Wow @Panterus . And you know this, how?

You have to accept that private education is very divisive. For the vast majority of privately educated students, it signifies a certain degree of wealth that most people don’t have.
My nearest private school charges around 10k per year for primary, 14K for secondary. That’s a hell of a lot of money. It’s easy to say - well if you valued your children you’d find the money, but most families don’t have 75K spare for secondary education. Presumably, boarding costs much more. Plus the additional costs of uniform, trips etc.
Sadly, many of the children I know who attended private school saw themselves as better than the ones who didn’t. That’s a societal thing - more money = better. I have worked with a fair few teachers who were privately educated but their expensive education didn’t get them any better jobs than my free state school education.

@LolaSmiles That's a very British POV :). IMO the fear of mess and drama is the whole problem. Families who actually talk to each other in a direct way get this stuff out in the open and sorted at dinner tables in two minutes flat with no offense taken whatsoever.

Generalising of course, but most southern European families can argue vehemently about all sorts of things while pouring each other glasses of wine. It's the saying-nothing-at-the-time-then-bitching-in-the-car-all-the-way-home that leads to seething resentments and all the rest of it.

And maybe your education has failed to teach you to read and understand.

Christ. How many more posters are going to completely fail to comprehend that the SIL wants to send her child to this school but can’t afford it (jealousy). And that the OP’s child is a day pupil who chooses to board one night a week or so to be with her friends.

If you disagree with private schools or perhaps wish you could afford one, just come out and say it, stop wilfully misunderstanding to suit your narrative, or pretend narrative. 😂

Why do people keep saying the dh needs to talk to his brother about this. They are not the ones with the issue.
Because when it comes to family it's often easier and less messy for each person in relationships to deal with their side of the family.

So OP's husband talking to his brother quietly is likely to be less drama than OP talking to DH's SIL given the SIL is prone to drama and making nasty, jealous comments on earshot of a child.

She's year 6 so 10 or 11. Why on earth is that too young for a sleepover or residential trip?

Why do people keep saying the dh needs to talk to his brother about this. They are not the ones with the issue.