To think that ow genuinely fall for the lies their men spin?

Everyone is different, you can't possibly suggest that every OW is the same. Sometimes the DH and DW have just fallen out of love over the years, or it was never quite right. Sometimes they genuinely do fall for someone else, leave and marry the OW. They don't always leave immediately because they genuinely don't want to upset the DC unless they are sure and need time for it all to sink in before they make the break.

This is what happened in my case. It was very sad but nobody's fault and after the break up we all remained good friends as DW knew the marriage was over anyway years before he met me but they hadn't split because of the DC (and it was a long time ago so there was much more stigma attached to divorce). I was single before the affair. We remained happily married until he died, had our own DCs, and he had shared custody of his DCs so I had a good relationship them too and all the DCs got on well together.

Maybe I was fortunate, but I would not judge anyone as you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. In my experience, women particularly often use an affair to find a way out of a very bad marriage. The one-to-one support that an affair offers can be their lifeline. Please don't judge them too harshly.

Feel free to interchange the terms men, women and OW and my sentiments remain , regardless .

But it's only the women you want to vilify. It always is. This thread is about the women. You can't understand why they'd be OW, but nobody ever questions why a man would cheat. Because we know why. We just can't accept that women might have all the same ignoble urges and all the same reasons to follow them - even when they're not the ones who committed to us.

OW might all be the shittiest humans who ever lived. So what? Your husband made the promise to you that he'd forsake them all. If he broke that promise, it's entirely on him.

To the poster: I absolutely see where you are coming from: from a human perspective of what morals used to be and such women were called low value, etc ...the word fornication still exist.

I think you need to see that you have indeed picked a low value and low quality man in the first place. After all you fell for him like the OW in the first place enough to marry him. So surely you can't be so confused as why another woman falls for him aswell.
As for going round asking his family and supposedly your mutual friends. I mean in what world is that ever going to happen? She would look like a nutter.

But would OW not t check facts with exw in time or at least family or friends of hers to get the truth? It's all a little too naïve sounding l

I can't speak for all ex wives but personally, I refused the OW any kind of audience or communication with me. She made her bed. I didn't feel the need to warn her or somehow develop empathy and mutual understanding. She was an absolute bitch, treated my children terribly and used her professional status to reduce my divorce settlement. I walked away with my friends, the ones I knew before I met my ex, not the wives and girlfriends of his friends (none of whom ever got in touch), who would not have entertained her either.

They didn't break me and they knew it. My strength came from nowhere, it felt, but I was clear on my boundaries from day one. They lasted 2 years - he spent much of that time trying to come home.

It's difficult to say this on here because I know a lot of women whose husbands have cheated/left them find this website a safe space to vent, and there is definite value in that.

However, there has also been some nasty misogynist statements on this thread, so I am now feeling less sympathetic.

It's not always lies that the cheating husband is telling, much as you might want to think it is.

Sometimes he genuinely falls in love with the new woman, and genuinely will treat her differently, because he has genuinely stopped loving his wife, sometimes for "valid" reasons. (Not that anybody needs permission to stop loving someone).

My mom was to OW. She is still married to my dad 50 years later. The love of his life. He had his reasons for falling out of love with his ex. Probably hurtful to her, but there you go.

He and my mom should have waited till he was single before starting the affair, sure.But there you go, everyone doesn't always behave perfectly all the time.
There are loads of similar examples - people still with their affair partners years later, very much in love. You must know people like this - I am amazed if you don't. My own ex husband - still with his affair partner. They seem very happy - they are better suited than he and i were, so good luck to then. Why would I waste my life feeling bitter?

So in answer to the question, sometimes the OW (like my mom, or my ex's new partner) believe the man because he is telling the truth. I'm sorry if that hurts you. Its hurtful nature doesn't make it any less true. Sadly.

@ItLiterallyJustSaysFoldInTheCheese so you dismiss my comment as ‘girl code’ in this modern age where enthusiastic/informed consent is deemed important to women (we’re actually educating young women in this) and affairs are widely seen as removing that right to consent for the betrayed partner right…

I’d still rather stay on the right side of this moral conundrum! But you do you!

And the woman hating is in reference to the constant misogyny comments on threads like this for anyone who thinks being an AP is wrong.

Women hating 🙄

Yes, of course, bloody 'girl code' - let's pit women against each other and not get angry with the guy who couldn't stay faithful to his vows.

I had a friend who had an affair with a married man that lasted years, when her daughter was primary age (her dad had moved abroad), so in her 30s. She even moved her daughter to his home town 60 miles away. She bought a bloody boat with him! We all knew he was married, her parents knew he was married! It was all very bizarre and how his wife didn't know I have no idea, perhaps she did and turned a blind eye. But it was years. He literally lived a double life. It eventually fizzled out when he wouldn't move in with her but she was utterly obsessed for years. Bonkers and we were all honest with her about how we felt about this relationship and how wrong it was but she took no notice and drifted away from us, her long standing friends.

People tell themselves what they want to hear. We are all blind to our partner’s faults at first, so why would they be any different?

There is also a kick for some people in stealing someone’s partner, I think. It’s an ego boost, which makes people ignore the warning flags- it’s not because you’re so irresistible or your love is so special - it’s because the bloke has issues and needs validation.

but people ignore these signs. It takes a long time to realise that the way people treat you is all about them. You could be anyone.

As far as I'm concerned, if you're married or in a relationship then you keep your hands to yourself, man or woman.
Some people just want to have their cake and eat it.

He's a nice guy who can't leave his wife and children because it would destroy them so he has to stay married blah, blah, blah............... it's amazing what people will convince themselves of to justify their decisions.

@LilBus One of my sisters is also having an affair and she is single, it’s not the only reason but is one of the reasons I went NC. She is a thoroughly horrible person though. I know her like I know my own left hand she has always even as a child been a mischief maker and seems to enjoy watching people suffer. Unbelievably cruel she used to set fire to bugs in the garden as a small child. I have edited to add that all the other siblings also cut her off.

The only other OW I know is a friend who has crushingly low self esteem, she does believe all the BS he feeds her. She is pathetically sad really.

My dad told the OW that his marriage to my mum was in name only and that he slept in a different room - both lies. I then asked her why, when she knew my dad was married, did she continue with the relationship. I added that I knew it was an impertinent question and she didn’t have to respond. She said he was very persistent and wore her down. She said she knew it was wrong but his persistence paid off and she fell in love. My dad and the OW had two children then two years after the second child was born, he left the country. That’s when my mum found out, and though she was furious with her, she totally blamed my dad. The fact is there was a third woman with whom he had a child the same age as the OW’s youngest! OW and TW lived less than two miles apart

I got to know the OW many years later and really liked her. She was kind, fun and generous with her time. Ironically she and my mum would’ve got on brilliantly in a different life. I know the OW had many regrets but didn’t regret having her children. Separately my parents stayed friendly for the rest of their lives, as did Dad and the OW

I’m in touch with my half siblings and we get on very well

Sorry, I'm missing something. Obviously that was shitty and I'm sorry for what the poor woman went through, but why would she not do pick ups and drop offs after they divorced?

And how did anyone "make" him divorce?

Edited because I got confused with school runs. Question still stands.

These other women are just desperate of having a man, of being regarded as wanted, sexually and partnership chosen, so this is why morals do not play role there, and anyone who comes round, is taken in.

The worst I saw was a good looking man, a single mother from the school gate made him divorce, they got married and this poor ex wife still had to come and share picks ups and drops offs

In my case the ow was my best friend and she went after him from the word go.

I was having mental health issues at the time as was he with 3 young children.

Yes they are still together. No she doesn't get to play happy families like she told people she wabted. My kids see their dad and love their dad but want nothing to do with her and they are all now old enough to make their own choice

So some women are predators going after weak men

It sounds like OP is referencing a particular situation here.

Sometimes the OW doesn't know she's the OW and falls for it, particularly if the guy is a really convincing liar.

Sometimes they go into it eyes wide open and see it for what it is, bit of fun on the side with someone they're attracted to (generally in that situation I guess there's no need for the lies, it is what it is)

I would find it hard to be with a guy who spoke disparagingly about his ex (without good reason) or who are shit fathers, either due to or as well as having an affair I guess but that would be the same whether I was an OW or not.

I know that whatever the excuses or whatever the OW believes, I could never collude with a cheating man in stealing the personal agency and right to informed sexual consent from another woman. I also could never be in part responsible for the pain the children go through when this has happened within their families. If you knowingly have an affair, you knowingly engage in the above. I’m at a loss to find anything more women hating that that but there you go!

That sounds like something a cheated on wife would say.

Yes.

It's easy to blame and vilify the OW, which is why so many people on here do, but if the wife thought he was a keeper then it's not too surprising another woman thought the same.

Once again, people are questioning why a woman would have the married man, and not why the married man would shit on his family.

Man in our town behaves entirely like a single man. No reason to think he is married. Fooled me. But I won’t be fooled again!!!

This is massively disrespectful @determinedtomakethiswork , women are not dogs on heat. Many people are stupid, give people the benefit of the doubt or want to believe what they hear, but there is no need to call them animals.

What is your point @aimans ?

I think the OW is a bit dim OR just very indifferent to the pain of others and thinks what the man has done to his wife he won’t do to them.

And yes I agree the OW is not to blame for a man breaking his vows. Neither is she blameless in the situation though. I wouldn’t knowingly go near a married man.