To think that ow genuinely fall for the lies their men spin?

So much victim blaming in this. I know loads of women who have been cheated on, myself included. I never blamed the OW in my case because she didn't know. I just left and accepted like you say that he wasn't who I thought and thank god I did because I'm married to a wonderful man now. I don't know why people think they can speak on behalf of all wives who have been cheated on though and add to the 'delusional wife' rhetoric, as though she is only cross with the OW because its less painful than blaming her husband. Truth be told, when women are reacting this way its because the OW has been disgusting, has shown cruelty and malice in a way the wife can't comprehend. We need to start being kinder to the wives not ALWAYS look for a reason they somehow are more to blame than the OW.

Do you have an opinion on the hypothetical OM Slower?

It's still an interesting question to me, having had my family shattered by an OW deliberately targeting the man involved, despite her knowing full well the true situation (because the whole town knew) yet choosing to ignore the consequences for her own and other children, let alone the abandoned wife. She (the ow) and he continued for decades to gaslight, lie and pretend it didn't happen the way it actually happened, just like in hundreds of other cases on here and RL.

I think the OW chooses to create and believe her own reality, because she wants to.

The need to believe the OW is mostly if not wholly to blame is because the spouse has to believe it, to carry on with the marriage and do all the mental gymnastics it takes to believe their husband loves and respects them despite doing something so utterly unloving and disrespectful.

even if they choose to leave, they then have to face the full horror of how they didn’t really know their husband. That their shared history was built on lies. That they’ve spent so much of their life with someone who didn’t really exist. It’s utterly traumatic. Far better to believe it was some scheming harlot who cast a magic spell over him and made him do it.

Believing that the OW also fell for the man’s lies is to recognise a point of commonality as well which is unbearable. Both women have potentially been victims of this man’s dishonesty. It’s easier to dehumanise her and distance yourself as much as possible. That works both ways, for OW and betrayed spouses alike.

“how stupid she is, that she fell for it!”

erm, well you both did!

They attribute the most blame to the OW because they kind of have to to survive it. It doesn’t make it right. And they have to believe they are different.

I'm not referring to the OPs question. It would have been an interesting one had it not been largely rhetorical and self answered in subsequent posts where she waxes lyrical about the character traits she imagines OW must have. Its surely not possible to explore whether a person believes a lie, without at least some thought given to the liar, and how convincing they may have been, plus other factors that make them being believed more likely?
After all, it's only ever going to be speculation, projection and imagination when it comes to the OWs motives isn't it, given that few are going to join the thread to tell us, and spouses know no more about what's in her mind than they did about what was really in their cheating husband's.

there must be some MM who don't lie? just say they fancy the lady but are "fairly" happy at home.

the OW then sees them just as a FWB type arrangement, a casual thing. Not everyone wants that MM to become their partner. Good for sex but clearly a lousy partner. (probably applies to tons of affairs where both partners married/on a discrete adults meet site. No great angst about having to justify it as AND WE FELL IN LOVE)

(and i am sure plenty of married men also sleep with male affair partners too, but no one calls those OM low value people or assumes its anything more than people fancying sex and some excitement)

the OP's question was specifically about whether the ow believes the lies, not about the lying dick that uttered them.

The question is always about the OW and not the lying dick. That's the point.

When a man prioritises his wants over his own family, we don't like it but we don't question it. We don't find it incomprehensible and puzzling.

Yet we will endlessly question and puzzle over why a woman would prioritise her wants over a commitment that isn't hers. We even claim that she's equally responsible for it (but she gets 99% of the blame).

It begs the question of what marriage is for if it doesn't create an obligation any greater than that of a stranger.

the type of women who plot, scheme and have zero consideration for anyone else are very real, not mythical figments of the imagination.

Sure, but they'd get absolutely nowhere if only the man keeps to his personal responsibility. It's his family. How can he not be more responsible than she is?

Of course the man worked very hard to court the ow, but the OP's question was specifically about whether the ow believes the lies, not about the lying dick that uttered them.

There are many different types of OW & many different factors, but the type of women who plot, scheme and have zero consideration for anyone else are very real, not mythical figments of the imagination.

The cheater and the ow can share the blame 50-50, bore off and go fuck each other for all eternity.

I understand why and agree with you totally. But actually this thread has been enlightening: don't get me wrong, the old stereotypes (regarding women) are there in force but many people seem to be opening their minds (a bit).

Ps. The thing you said about no word for Male Mistress was spot on.

Will probably get flamed for this, but here goes.

I was an OW. The MM I was involved with was financially supporting me at a time I had just escaped from my highly abusive ex-H. So it started more as an arrangement - he’d done it (many times!) before, pretty much for his whole marriage, and was totally upfront about his situation. He saw the money as a way of buying his way out of any consequences in regards to me I suppose. To stop it being an emotional thing. For me it was a total lifeline. I’d been unable to work for years and was retraining. I got nothing in my divorce as was too unsafe for me to pursue.

Would I do it again? No. I didn’t feel great about it obviously. But I reasoned I wasn’t the first and probably wouldn’t be the last. I was so focussed on survival I didn’t think of his home situation. It was selfish of me, and I was looking for a quick fix for my situation and was pretty desperate. I couldn’t risk bankruptcy due to the career I was embarking upon. Probably not an excuse but that was my reality.

We completely unexpectedly fell totally in love, although he didn’t admit his feelings to that extent at the time, it was pretty clear on both sides. I suppose looking back, I was quite vulnerable given what I’d been through with my ex. I’ve not had a connection like it and don’t expect I will again, but I have more clarity now.

His wife found out after 10 months as I guess he finally was unable to keep his two ‘lives’ separate. It was utter hell. He stayed ‘for the kids’. We didn’t really talk, but he stalked me online for over 18 months until I finally confronted him and he admitted he was in love with me, had never told her, but couldn’t leave his children. Was only staying for them. Regretted marrying her. But couldn’t leave.

It was one thing lying about the affairs, but him continuing to lie throughout their ‘reconciliation’ was a bit of a watershed moment for me. It’s ultimately weakness and cowardice and modelling a terrible relationship for his children. He’d made out the marriage was toxic but was still having sex with her because ‘even I know a marriage without sex would never work’. So can’t be that bad then. It would be different if he’d been honest, and they’d worked through it and she had the benefit of the full truth. His life has remained largely the same.

He said she had been expecting him to leave her for all this time since discovery, and so was clearly insecure because he’s emotionally checked out, but still won’t give her the decency of the actual truth. Which I found horrific. Made out he was being dutiful but is actually just selfish. Said it was ‘so traumatic for him and didn’t know how he’s pulled through’.

So I had my eyes opened for sure. Whilst he didn’t ‘lie’ to me when we were seeing each other, he certainly presented his marriage in a specific light. I wanted to believe it because I wanted to see the best in him, not exactly as an ego thing or because I was expecting him to leave her. Stupid, really.

I now see that I got a hell of a lot of things wrong and I think, if it was disgusting what he was doing before, he sure as hell hasn’t learned anything and is still lying and living a totally inauthentic life. She thinks he’s ‘recommitted’ and he started lying to her again almost instantaneously. But I guess he thinks because he’s no longer shagging around it’s fine. For now.

It was horrific for me too and I deserved it for my terrible choice in that whole situation. I’d never do it again.

My experience is people believe what they want to believe.

Until it pretty much becomes unavoidable and they have to face up to facts that are undeniable.

@NecessaryNC24 tbh I tuned out most of the rest of the thread because it continued to be so depressing! The married man is always lured away by the OW... who has EXACTLY the same character traits and reasons as every other OW in the history of the world. We really must warn all the menfolk, lest they be snared away too.

Agree about the issue being within him (or her - whoever the supposedly committed party is).

Someone who talks a lot of sense on affairs is Esther Perel, lots of her stuff on YouTube, she's brilliant on infidelity imo.

Yes, this. Asking what it was about her is just the other side of the coin to viewing OW as repulsive, as it suggests the OW had something superior to offer that tempted him away. Both positions are a smokescreen for the fact that a man made a free choice to cheat, and both seek to find external reasons rather than looking to his character, feelings and life view.

what is it about her that made him give all that up?

You're thinking that the problem was somehow external - something in her. It wasn't. It was something in him.

And I too am very sorry to hear it. It must be absolutely devastating.

@PinkyFlamingo that's a long time to be married. I'm sorry that has happened to you. I totally understand why you would wonder what sort of woman she is. After such a long shared life together, with DC, with all those memories, what is it about her that made him give all that up?

The thing is, no one ever knows what goes on in someone else's head. And as much as you think you know someone, unless you're together 24/7 they are likely to have a whole other self that you know nothing about. The way men behave at work and socially, the things they say, the way they act around other women, I doubt very much their wives would recognise that version of them. And that's the side of them that has the affair, the one you don't see with the private thoughts you're never going to be party to. Which is why it can be such a shock. But also why when people claim to know for sure their partner wouldn't cheat its a little naive.

Don't know how I missed this post before but it's brilliant, and I agree ☝🏻.

Of course they're different this poster had no idea MM had children and believed he was separated? She hasn't just willingly been with a man who has a family at home and boasted about him being with her whilst his poor wife was trying to find out where he was, believing he was faithful and finding delight in knowing he wasn't. Of course they're very very different hence my response to this poster.

It happened to a friend of my husband. One morning he and his wife were chatting about the birds in the garden when she suddenly announced that she was leaving him. It came completely out of the blue. She moved in with another man (who was also married) the same day.

I'm sorry that happened to you but fundamentally does it matter who he cheated with? It was obviously something he was open to, if it wasn't her it would be someone else. You could drive yourself mad ruminating on the whys and wherefores, ultimately he chose to do that to you.

Again I'm sorry because I do know how much it hurts.

My DH of 24 years left me last year. I didn't see it coming at all. It was for a fellow student in his course who was 15 years younger. I had met her, they were friends. She knew he was married, she knew we had our boys. I came home from work one day and he told me he was moving in with her. And he did, and it's been a nightmare since as he's trying to destroy me emotionally and financially. Of course I blame him. But there's no point in saying I don't wonder what kind of woman she really is

You're describing me.

I had no idea at all and was completely blindsided by the whole thing. I thought we were in an incredibly happy and secure marriage. I found out by total accident.
My world shattered.
It does happen.

It's official NPC wins the thread 🏆

Ah, but I'm also unhinged, disturbed and dangerous. Therefore I win!