To think nothing I do will ever satisfy him?

I think you should work out what you want. If you are happy in your current role, DO NOT leave because the idiot you are married to doesn’t understand you! Enjoying your work is so important! If you want to add an extra and pay for the additional childcare, do that, but don’t let his decision override yours. He may earn more, but that does not give him the right to dictate your working life, you are supposed to be on the same team, but it sounds as though you not even playing the same game.
I hope you find a solution that works, even if that does not include staying with him.

Just as another perspective, it is emotionally exhausting being the main wage earner when there is this much disparity. I earned 4 times what my ex did and it was always at the front of my mind that if he lost his job we wouldn’t even notice, but if I did then we’d be fucked.

I worked hard in a job that I didn’t really enjoy to pay for the house he wanted and the holidays he liked. He worked in a low paid job- because that was what his industry paid. He could have found a job paying more- but chose not to because “we didn’t need the money”. It is a draining way to live. We broke up and I continued living in the house for sometime and then sold it and moved somewhere a bit more “my speed”.

I’m still in the same job- but feel so much happier, knowing my outgoings are less tight and also not seeing a “partner” who whilst really happy in their role, does not want the same for me.

I had to check I hadn't written this. Apart from the number of kids, I'm in an almost identical situation.

These men are cheeky fuckers aren't they?! Nothing is ever good enough. My partner expects me to earn a fantastic salary whilst at the same time being able to pick up DD every day and do all the life admin/house jobs.
He is a company owner and WFH and his hours are very flexible. I'm run ragged and he doesn't little. Yet he always complains I don't do enough.

I don't have much advice but solidarity.
Don't have any more kids with him and do what you can to make sure you keep your job.
It sounds like you are doing amazingly.
Fuck him.

He's always saying things like: you're killing me, you have no idea the pressure you put on me, you have no idea what I have to deal with, your job is ruining the family, no one else does as much as I do, you're never around, etc.

All of this would be a deal breaker for me. The poor, poor beleaguered man, what a horrendous life he has. 🙄

Fuck all of that.

You will never win. He likes using you as a whipping boy to vent whatever negative feelings he has.

Don’t engage with it, that’s what that poster meant.

Or…and this is my personal recommendation, leave the horrible shit of a man and live your own life free of his constant scorn.

OP.

You are doing FANTASTICALLY in your life. As a fellow ADHDer, I know the utter miracle it is to find a job in which you thrive and earn enough to live on, and the painstaking years of learning and fighting it takes to get there. Be PROUD of that. Don't forget what a huge achievement that is. Well done.

I think you know that your DH is abusive. You mention DARVO, and that you have the Why Does He Do That book. I mean... there's your answer my love. I'm sorry but his "demands" and standards aren't reasonable. He isn't treating you as an equal partner, who has a life, ambitions and needs of her own that need to be balanced with his in the relationship and household. I think you know what the answer is.

Remaining in a relationship with him and engaging in his mind games - ones where he will constantly change the rules - will destroy you. Which will be him winning, as that's the only thing that matters to him, for him to win and you to lose.

You earn well in a role that suits you, where you're happy and appreciated. He doesn't like that, as it means you're not the loser. So he wants you to stop being happy, appreciated and with enough income that you aren't dependent upon him. Because that means he's the winner, he's the best, you're just a loser.

The only way for you to win, to be happy, successful and appreciated is not to be involved in a relationship where the rules are always changed to ensure that you're the loser. There's nothing you can do about your job (or any job) that'll make it good enough for him, as he'll changes the rules of the game to make you lose, perhaps you're out of the house too much, you're not earning enough, you're earning too much, you're too cocky about your abilities when 'they're really laughing at you behind your back', you're not parenting properly because 'you're off out pretending you're being the big shot businesswoman when you're nothing but....', the only way to be a proper mother is to be at home with the kids but then you're just a lazy leech with nothing interesting to say, it's only because you're stupid and cheap to hire and they despise you really, you're not exercising enough, you're not dressing right, you're eating too much/not ladylike enough, you walk wrong, your feet are wrong, you're too old, etc, etc, etc.

There will always be something wrong with what you're doing, what you look like, what you are because that's how he wins his game.

Not playing the game means getting out.

It’s possible you’ll read it and think “oh no, my H never does any of those things”, but I highly doubt it, as it’s clear from your posts that he does!

@livinginthedark i can see why you might think that from a quick flip through, but it’s about the basic attitudes and the mindset that underlie abusive behavior of any kind - ie. that he is ENTITLED to rule and control you.

It is really insightful about the kinds of things that abusive men say and do to keep you on the back foot, and the ways living with them make you feel.

The relationship I was in was not physically abusive, but reading the book was like a lightbulb being turned on.

Don’t just flip, read… and then follow @Mitherations advice

The issue here is not your job. It's your DH.

Being a full time working parent is hard work. It requires both parents to make sacrifices. And unless one or both parents has a very fixed schedule, there needs to be a lot of juggling, with give and take on both sides. You seem to be doing your part. I assume when you were a SAP you fully supported your OH career and worked around it. Now he needs to do the same for you.

I'm so many families the woman ends up being the default parent and her career is seen as an inconvenience by her other half. Don't fall for this.

What does he want? Fuck that, what do you want?

If you've got a copy of Lundy Bancroft hidden in the wardrobe you know on some level that's something isn't right here.

Get it out, and read it. Then decide what you are and aren't willing to accept in terms of his behaviour and if you want to spend the rest of your life dancing about so he won't hate you.

So he thinks you are/should be a family slave? Sexist nonsense.
Why do you need more money? There's more to life than money and work.

I can't win

The only way to win is not to play.

I wouldn't increase my hours. I'd want a sit down talk. What were the agreements before you got pregnant? How did discussions about earnings go before children? Did your part time work mean a lot less in childcare bills etc etc? He needs to stop with blaming you, unless your children were contraception failures and you refused abortion, these were his decisions as well.

I would tell him if it’s your job to run the family and home you could of course give up working 🤷🏼‍♀️.

my daughter years ago used the phase “ it is what it is “ it was the first time I had heard it and think it’s brilliant,

life is what it is, you learn to go with it or not, his choice

Ah good point yes I must have read that too quickly.

Agree he’s still a twat.

I suspect it may be a combination of things

1. he thrives on order and you thrive on chaos so he is always looking for a degree of certainty that won’t be there - this may need compromises from you both.
2. This is more serious - he has made you his emotional stress ball. When he feels stressed, instead of finding constructive solutions, he finds reasons why it is your fault. Bad day at work - if only living was around more / did more / had a more predictable schedule I wouldn’t have this stress. Worried about the bills or his business - if only living earned more I wouldn’t have this stress. This is much more challenging to deal with and needs calling out.

I do think you need to recognise that he may need more predictability than you do and you may have to make some compromises. However, he doesn’t get to blame you for every stress he feels as that is demeaning, demoralising and unfair.

Actually, @livinginthedark wrote

'your job is ruining the family'

So unless OP mistyped he is saying her job is damaging the family.

He's still a twat, though.

If you're on twenty five grand a year, he could have a point about not being valued/too much work for not enough money (although that would mean he's still bringing in over seventy five, so if money's tight with £100k a year, that's a problem with overspending, not your earnings). But if you're on more than that, you're earning fine - definitely enough to go it alone, have all control and not have him trying to stop you working in a role that suits you.

So it's all down to you to make his life easier? Righto

Long term, his attitude is going to kill your marriage. You might want to tell him that.
Solutions are things like marriage counselling . You would have to monitor that carefully because it’s not recommended for abusers. He either needs to pull his socks up sharply when he realises he’s got into a nasty habit, or you realise that he’s showing you his true colours and you’re going to be making different choices.
Congratulations on your job.