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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband thinks my friends are his

136 replies

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:11

Couldn't work out what title to put on this as really bizarre question. Was having a disagreement with my husband and went off to chat to my friend on the phone. He wanted to know why, so I said I wanted some feedback and advice from her. He really didn't like this and said that he would do the same, with MY best friend. I pointed out that that wasn't appropriate as she is my friend not his. He thinks he should be able to talk to my friend and tell her all the things he dislikes about me as that's "fair". To be honest, if he did call her she'd tell him to p**s off. He has no friends of his own as he just doesn't make the effort to maintain and cherish friendships. Am I being unreasonable to think that he has no right to assume that my friends are his? And that he is bang out of order to think that they would be at all interested in him lagging me off to them? For context most of my friendships span decades and he has no day to day contact with any of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:41

Xmastime2023 · 08/02/2024 14:34

Sounds like coercive control.

Yes. Have become painfully aware of this over last year. Not just rolling over and accepting it anymore. Whenever he has me doubting myself I check in with my best mate who is very good at telling it how it is.

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MILTOBE · 08/02/2024 14:40

Actually you're the idiot for putting up with this behaviour. He needs to get a full time job instead of faffing about saying he's got a business (that doesn't do any business) and refusing to look after his own children.

Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:40

C00k · 08/02/2024 14:33

Is it the end of the relationship though?

Yes.
Too controlling.

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Xmastime2023 · 08/02/2024 14:39

Why are you doubting yourself so much with your friend and here?

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 08/02/2024 14:39

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:34

Ok all you lovely mumnetters.
I was under the mistaken impression that I could lean on my friends for support. Seems I am very much mistaken.
Thank you all for the clarification!

Of course you can lean on your friend for support, just not in the middle of an argument.

It sounds like you've got much bigger issues than this though.

Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:38

MILTOBE · 08/02/2024 14:37

You don't sound happy with him. I wouldn't be, either.

So you were asking him to spend an hour with your children so that you could work and he refused?

Are the children both of yours? Not that it should make any difference, though.

If he's got a business that doesn't make any money then it's just a hobby. Is he living off your earnings?

Yes, he has been doing this for years now. And yes children are both of ours. He's upset because I dared to ask for an hour. Idiot is he.

OP posts:
Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:37

SallyWD · 08/02/2024 14:33

Exactly! I don't think he really would call your friend to get an opinion on the argument. He's just pissed off that you did.

Show quote history

But he did. Twice.

OP posts:
seafoamgreenhair · 08/02/2024 14:37

You are married to an unreasonable twit, which was an unreasonable thing to do, and you are expecting him to be reasonable, which is also unreasonable.

MILTOBE · 08/02/2024 14:37

You don't sound happy with him. I wouldn't be, either.

So you were asking him to spend an hour with your children so that you could work and he refused?

Are the children both of yours? Not that it should make any difference, though.

If he's got a business that doesn't make any money then it's just a hobby. Is he living off your earnings?

Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:36

shreknjumps · 08/02/2024 14:33

Why can't you both "work" at the same time? That's what people with proper jobs do.

Although it just sounds like you're both trying to be "influencers" or selling wax melts or something.

Nope not influencer. Can't say what but is a customer facing business that I've run for 25 years! Just need some time to finish up some admin.
What on earth is wax melt?

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mightydolphin · 08/02/2024 14:35

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:32

That's the point. He does carve out time. Pretty much all day every day. If I want to do any admin I have to do it late at night.
So do you not talk over the end of a relationship with your friends?

Show quote history

Well, then obviously you need to agree a more equal split for childfree time. That's between the two of you.

I don't share relationship problems with friends, but then, I also have a partner that respects my time and treats me as an equal. Why does he think he can get away with taking more time for his business?

Xmastime2023 · 08/02/2024 14:34

Sounds like coercive control.

Thelnebriati · 08/02/2024 14:34

I think the specifics are masking that fact you have a problem in this relationship.

Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:34

Ok all you lovely mumnetters.
I was under the mistaken impression that I could lean on my friends for support. Seems I am very much mistaken.
Thank you all for the clarification!

OP posts:
shreknjumps · 08/02/2024 14:33

Why can't you both "work" at the same time? That's what people with proper jobs do.

Although it just sounds like you're both trying to be "influencers" or selling wax melts or something.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 08/02/2024 14:33

You're more than fine to call your friend for support in this situation as you're married to an arsehole. Obviously you have every right to do what you need to for your business and he should support that. He's a twat.

C00k · 08/02/2024 14:33

Is it the end of the relationship though?

SallyWD · 08/02/2024 14:33

OriginalUsername2 · 08/02/2024 14:25

I don’t know.. I’d be quite miffed if DP phoned someone else to get an opinion on our argument!

Exactly! I don't think he really would call your friend to get an opinion on the argument. He's just pissed off that you did.

Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:32

mightydolphin · 08/02/2024 14:29

You both sound immature and the relationship sounds like an absolute headache. You need to stop sharing all your relationship issues with your mate and you both need to carve out some time for your businesses.

That's the point. He does carve out time. Pretty much all day every day. If I want to do any admin I have to do it late at night.
So do you not talk over the end of a relationship with your friends?

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shreknjumps · 08/02/2024 14:32

"Wasn't phoning for backup. Just wanted some reassurance that I wasn't being a cow"

That's back up though 😅

Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:30

Do other people's Partners have to give a blow by blow account of every single conversation they have with their mates? Because I don't think that's right, and I'm getting fed up with the 20 questions about who I've spoken to, what I've said, what they've said etc etc

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C00k · 08/02/2024 14:29

'He did actually try to call her, twice'

What a creepy weirdo, do you not want to divorce him?
And what @mightydolphin said, the marriage sounds like a complete farce. Don't drag your mates in to your embarrassing feuds with your weird husband. So awkward for them.

mightydolphin · 08/02/2024 14:29

You both sound immature and the relationship sounds like an absolute headache. You need to stop sharing all your relationship issues with your mate and you both need to carve out some time for your businesses.

Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:29

TammytheFaceGhost · 08/02/2024 14:23

Sounds like his nose is out of joint because you've called her to bitch about him, and he's saying he could do the same to give "his side" - I think you're missing his point.

When I was breaking up with my abusive ex he found out I was posting online (not here) and said he would post as well because I was only giving one side of the story and if he put his across then nobody would encourage me to leave. He never did...

He told me I was unreasonable for making this request.
I absolutely wasn't.
And if he wasn't so incredibly nosy and needing every bloody detail of exactly what I was doing then there wouldn't have been an issue.

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Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:26

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2024 14:24

Your missing his point. He's telling me you he thinks it's not ok to have an argument and then go and slag him off to your best friend to get her feedback to use against him. At least don't declare that's what you're going to do.

Nope. He genuinely feels that him calling my friend is ok. He did actually try to call her twice, she didn't answer, because as she says, she's here to support me, not him.

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