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Play-date issue!

29 replies

Parentslife · 08/02/2024 10:58

So my 8 year old son has just moved schools because we wanted him to have more friends.
He was in a tiny, rural school of 28 kids so outgrew it. For context, he’s already socially well adjusted from extracurricular activities and the move has been successful. He’s made friends quickly but especially with one boy, who appears to be a really nice kid.

They hit it off and after 6 weeks, now refer to each other as best friends.
Then I met the Mum at a school event and there’s no easy way to say it, but although very nice, she’s extremely over the top and intense, aka crazy.

My son came home today and excitedly told me that the boy had invited him over tomorrow.
The Mum messaged me and told me she’d pick both of them straight up from school and I could collect him a few hours later.

Now I don’t even have her address or know her at all, so explained I’d be more than happy to drop him off after school and pick him up later.
I asked for the address and she’s ghosted the message!

Am I being unreasonable to not let another Mum pick my son up and take him to a home I’ve never been to?
Is this weird or would you be OK with it?

Thanks!

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Goldbar · 08/02/2024 12:39

YANBU, OP. You need to know who will be around your son at that age, if you're not going to be there. Or you need to trust the other mum's judgement, which it doesn't sound like you do.

Most people are very nice and I would trust them to look after my DC no bother but it does no harm to be sure. There is a mother we know from outside school who is absolutely lovely and I trust her 100% but the dad (from whom she is separated) is a complete nightmare, there is a history of DV and he turns up periodically and kicks off at her and the children. So although we often do playdates, there is no way my child is going to their house unaccompanied - it's too great a risk imo. Another thing I have learnt is that dog owners can be deluded about how safe their dogs are around strange children, so I would never let my child go to a house with a dog unless I had visited first and trusted the parents to supervise closely or keep the dog away from my child.

aterriblekindness · 08/02/2024 11:31

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MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 08/02/2024 11:27

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aterriblekindness · 08/02/2024 11:27

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Parentslife · 08/02/2024 11:26

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 08/02/2024 11:20

Can you explain what crazy and intense to you mean? And why then she has a lovely son who is best friend with yours?

Exactly that. It can happen. Lovely child, crazy Mum.
Son seems confident, charming and kind. Mum was overly dramatic, super animated.

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Whaleandsnail6 · 08/02/2024 11:25

I dont actually think the other mum did anything wrong in offering to pick up straight from school. I've done this many a time! I'd usually include my address in the original message but I don't think shes intense or crazy for this... unless I'm intense and crazy too!

aterriblekindness · 08/02/2024 11:25

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aterriblekindness · 08/02/2024 11:22

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Parentslife · 08/02/2024 11:22

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It’s 10pm where I am (not UK)

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MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 08/02/2024 11:20

Can you explain what crazy and intense to you mean? And why then she has a lovely son who is best friend with yours?

Parentslife · 08/02/2024 11:20

Christmaslights21 · 08/02/2024 11:09

Yes, just be there before pickup time so you can intercept if need be. I would give her a minute the message you back, though!
also chuckling at the idea of an 8 year old outgrowing a school 😁 especially as he has lots of friends from extracurricular activities. Moving him from such a small school was a bold choice, OP!

Yep he’ll wait for me but I’ll definitely be there just in case.
And it’s 10pm where I am (not UK) so it’s been a while since the message.
Moving him was a very difficult decision - loved the tiny school but had no peers his own age so quite lonely 😞 Most of his extracurricular friends are at the town school.

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aterriblekindness · 08/02/2024 11:19

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Idontjetwashthefucker · 08/02/2024 11:18

MadeForThis · 08/02/2024 11:14

She told you to pick your son up. She was going to give you the address. I'm not sure what the drama is?

I'd want to know where my child was before it's time to collect him, she might not have given the address until pick up time

aterriblekindness · 08/02/2024 11:18

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GingerIsBest · 08/02/2024 11:15

What is "over the top aka crazy" mean?

Frankly, around here, if I've met the parent and a playdate is arranged, it's completely normal for one parent to pick both kids up after school. In fact, that's practically a key benefit to playdates - you don't have to do the school run!

having said that, there's always that one parent who is a bit more nervous etc, and sure, I'd be accommodating of that but at the same time, as my DC have got older, I make it very clear that I'm not around for chit chat with the parent - the DCs are having a play date, we provide snacks/drinks and dinner if appropriate but otherwise they are doing their thing and I'm working.

KreedKafer · 08/02/2024 11:14

she’s extremely over the top and intense, aka crazy

In what way is she 'crazy'?

aterriblekindness · 08/02/2024 11:14

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MadeForThis · 08/02/2024 11:14

She told you to pick your son up. She was going to give you the address. I'm not sure what the drama is?

Parentslife · 08/02/2024 11:13

PackingupTime · 08/02/2024 11:08

I'd probably say to the school they need to check he's going to you. You could also phone her rather than wait for a message reply today and say hey I need your address but for the first playdate I'd also like to come along - you can frame it that you'd like to get to know her better too if that makes you more comfortable. Or do that at pick-up instead I'd you'd prefer.

I really like that - I think it’s a nice way of putting it to get to know her better too. Thank you

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aterriblekindness · 08/02/2024 11:13

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aterriblekindness · 08/02/2024 11:12

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Parentslife · 08/02/2024 11:11

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It’s generally the unspoken rule to get back to someone fairly quickly if you’re trying to make new friends.
True she might get back to me in the morning, I was more concerned with her picking my son up and taking him to her home.
Just wanted to know if this was normal. Because we’ve been at a small school it’s very different.

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Christmaslights21 · 08/02/2024 11:09

Yes, just be there before pickup time so you can intercept if need be. I would give her a minute the message you back, though!
also chuckling at the idea of an 8 year old outgrowing a school 😁 especially as he has lots of friends from extracurricular activities. Moving him from such a small school was a bold choice, OP!

PackingupTime · 08/02/2024 11:08

Parentslife · 08/02/2024 11:05

Thank you! Great advice.
Technically the school shouldn’t release him but the school doesn’t watch where any of the kids go. It’s pretty bad now I come to think of it. We’re in a very safe area so perhaps the attitudes are way too relaxed including this Mum’s

Edited

I'd probably say to the school they need to check he's going to you. You could also phone her rather than wait for a message reply today and say hey I need your address but for the first playdate I'd also like to come along - you can frame it that you'd like to get to know her better too if that makes you more comfortable. Or do that at pick-up instead I'd you'd prefer.

Parentslife · 08/02/2024 11:05

PackingupTime · 08/02/2024 11:00

YANBU surely she can't pick him up (I.e the school won't release him to her) without your permission anyway? Just make sure you're there for pick up and say to her 'sorry you didn't reply and I'm here now, how about I pop over to yours too since we've never been there and we can have a coffee and a chat whilst the boys play?" And be insistent.

Thank you! Great advice.
Technically the school shouldn’t release him but the school doesn’t watch where any of the kids go. It’s pretty bad now I come to think of it. We’re in a very safe area so perhaps the attitudes are way too relaxed including this Mum’s

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