To be fed up how quick everyone expects a response?

You are obviously very popular if you are being regularly besieged with messages! I rarely reply to messages during the working day & put my phone on DND through the night but I still have plenty of time to reply in my free time. Very normal to message asking if plans are still on & no response to me would = no.

op i understand. i am like you if i have made a plan to be somewhere i will be. but as others have said it does seem to be be that people will do the whole "are we still on for tomorrow" thing and though a bit annoying i just text back a yes. it is frustrating as if i haven't cancelled then of course i am still on like why are you asking but it seems to make it easier for people. i also find trying to respond to a million whatsapps a bit overwhelming but even then that is much much quicker than calling people. no one wants to chat on phone now as it takes a lot of time up. but i can see your point of view wanted to say that.

I feel you OP. I had a client chase me for a reply to something non-urgent last weekend — it had been two days. I told her I don’t work weekends.

She just chased me again this weekend for a reply to another non-urgent message. I had it on my to do list to reply today, but she emailed again at midday to chase AGAIN.

I find it so, so rude. I replied helpfully (because work) but with no apology.

Noooo!!!! They’re awful, I never listen to them. I’m always around other people and they don’t need to hear someone else’s messages to me.

If anyone sends me a voicenote there is a 95% chance I’ll never hear it

Yeah I hate it. But I have good boundaries now.
Everyone has their own communication needs and styles. We need to understand that no ones is more superior than someone else's. Just because someone is happy to send constant texts all day doesn't mean that's the normal standard and anyone whose not happy with that is a wierdo. We need to acknowledge that everyone's different. Some people like that, some people find that level of communication stressful and draining.
Ultimately if communication needs differ too much between people then that relationship of whatever type, kinda needs to end for the sake of both people.
Often a middle ground could be found between two peopld if they are both undetstanding of each other..
but i have come across a fair few people who just won't accept anything less than a complete match in how they communicate and if you don't live up to that or try to discuss how it effects you they become furious. They suggest it's entirely your fault, you are rude and you owe them a response in a certain time frame to any communication they send.
When I was younger I really took this to heart and had a dreadful time trying to meet people's demands.
Now days I just straight up end the friendship or acquaintance.
I surround myself with people who are on the same page as me, or at least flexible.

I find the expectation for immediate responses bonkers. Sometimes I just don’t have the time to respond during the day and can guarantee I won’t have the time at night when I have family stuff to do. In reality it’s never just a quick message back. You go into social media and start browsing and an hour has gone. It’s what the system is designed for.

OP I’d start being blunt with people about messaging. Say to friend if we have agreed to meet up then it’s in the diary I don’t need to reconfirm at regular intervals I’ll be there when I’ve said I will.

Alternatively ditch the smartphone and tell your friends if they want you they can use old fashioned methods. I did this for a year using a Nokia brick and loved it. No social media, no demands for instant responses, no inane chatter. You soon find out who your real friends are when they need to make an effort like pre 2009.

You sound like a great friend 💐

I completely understand OP. It's also the expectation of a conversation if you reply with a simple yes after being asked are we still on for tonight? I have a friend who is obsessed with constantly messaging people. We'll arrange to meet up the next day then the next day is "are we still OK for tonight?". "Yes, we arranged this less than 24 hours ago!" Then if you reply yes, a conversation is expected ie do you know what you're ordering, I can't wait for a night out I've been so stressed at work....etc.

I deliberately don't reply to her immediately about pretty much anything as she tries to draw me into a conversation that lasts hours and I just can't spend my downtime sitting typing on my phone.

Have you actually told your friends this?

”I am not big on chatting by text, but happy to use it for a quick message to confirm arrangements” or whatever?

I would be pretty angry at someone cancelling that late unless it was illness or similar

If its a casual arrangement I like to give people an 'out' tbh. Lots of my friends have small children and have been awake all night scraping bodily fluids off a child. I only want them to meet up if they feel like it.

Op, you are putting the onus on your friend then, to remember that you are one who doesn’t need to be confirmed.

anyway, whilst I might not message to confirm if you were still coming, if I DID message and you ignored, then I would not be sure anyway!

again… how long ahead was the confirmation message and how long before the person cancelled you as you hadn’t replied?

But unfortunately for you, communication has changed. Like I said further up, I've had to learn that most people now do not want calls unless messaged first. I never knew, but it seemed that most people did.

And it turns out that it's also become normal to check availability closer to the time. I get the same 'are you still on for ..?' messages too, and I've recently started doing the same as it seems that it had become the norm.

If you want to operate differently (and I recognise that for some reason this is genuinely a stressor for you) I think you need to make it clear to others that that's the case, and you prefer a call.

My daughter is, I think, a little like you. Occasionally she'll just tell everyone that she's having a break from her phone for a few days, and won't be checking messages. Maybe that's the way to go for you?

An idea that might help you - choose one (or a couple) of the social media apps you like best and delete the rest. Anyone who wants to contact you will know they have to contact you through X or call, and that way you only have to check one place instead of being stressed by having to keep tabs on everything.

I am someone who doesn’t use most social media and I never have an issue when I tell people “oh I don’t have Facebook but you can reach me on WhatsApp” or similar.

Why not just send everyone a message saying that some tout takes you a while to answer but if they need a quick reply to call you on your landline.
Problem solved..

Yes, if a meet up had been confirmed a few weeks in advance. People are busy and things come up, so a quick text to confirm is appropriate.

You don’t seem to understand that your lack of a response is actually quite stressful for others and expecting them to phone you, just adds to one more thing they have to remember to do. If I arranged a meet up and text to confirm e.g. a day or so before and I got no response, I would assume that you weren’t coming. I am busy and don’t have the time to be phoning and chasing for a response.

You seem to expect understanding and empathy from others that you are busy and can get stressed, but you don’t have the same courtesy for others.

Just think of all the messages you could have responded to in the time you've spent chippily moaning about people not phoning you every five minutes with a question.

You've been replying to the thread pretty promptly... Are you posting on your phone?

Admittedly, I have a small circle, not many friends and work for myself, so I get a very manageable, small number of messages/ emails. I do reply quickly as I appreciate I get to receive and get to reply to a person who wants to engage with me.

Some people don't respond to my messages though and it just means to me they don't value our relationship in the same way. I sent out a couple of invitations recently. One person did not reply. Yes - she must be very busy, bombarded with messages from all sorts - but my message was fairly urgent as I needed to know numbers to book. Same person replied to another person's invitation in a group where I was also included, but ignored my second message too...
I do believe replying to some people is not a chore; you're excited they are connecting with you and go ahead and text back straight away. Its usually the people you are not too keen on that you feel are being demanding...

My friendship group had this problem, with lots of different messages flying around. We all work and lost of us have children - so all busy.

However, to get round the issue of numerous groups - WhatsApp, FB, text etc. as a group of friends we decided to set up one FB group for all arrangement/plans for lunches, meet ups, drinks etc. We all just use that one group. However, one friend in particular never responds to anything, but used to expect us to follow up with a phone call specifically to her. She used to expect me to phone her to tell her what plans had been out in the group chat rather than just reading and responding. We have had this group for about 5 years now and she is always too busy/stressed to read and respond.

It got to a stage where I told her I was stopping being her ‘social secretary’ as I was too busy and it was actually causing me stress. I told her it was now her responsibility to read the messages and do her own responses.

I have lost count of the amount of social events that she has now missed, but that is her choice.

OP, if you didn’t respond to me, confirming a meet up (which would take about 20 seconds to type ‘yes’) then I would assume you weren’t coming. It’s not other people’s jobs to chase you up by phone - people have busy lives and can’t be chasing round after people who can’t be bothered to respond to a simple message.

I find that a lot of my friends who wait days to text back, do so precisely because they want to do me the respect of texting back when they can give me more than 30 seconds of their time.
Sometimes they will write that in the interim though, which is nice but I understand if they don't. We just have an understanding that if its not urgent, we get that we're all bloody busy! Cos if it's a good friend, it's not usually just 30 seconds pn your phone is it...

Nobody rings anyone any more ever as far as I can see. Except much older people who like a chat. The only people who phone me are over 80. Or scam calls.

Certainly not friends making arrangements. It's like we need it written down to register in our brains as real. Have an electronic paper trail to check back as all too busy to remember vocal information.

I do think people message mostly because you can then reply when suits. But putting an arbitrary time limit on that without informing the person on the other end is wrong.

Using your example, if I'm arranging something important I will say, or type rather, let me know by 10pm Thursday as I'll be online to try for tickets at 9am Friday. It's clear and stops disputes.

You're been pretty much instant messaging on here though.

Have you actually told people that you prefer phone calls? If bot you should.

Also tell them that unless you actually cancel then assume it's still on. People like reassurance though.

Meh I’d say that’s fine. It’s an asynchronous form of communication.

People are allowed to message you as much as they like just make it clear you won’t respond straight away.