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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to break bad?

208 replies

ConciseQueen · 03/02/2024 21:13

I’m thinking of going to the dark side. Crime can pay a lot. And I am skint.

So, from Monday, I am a gun for hire. I’ll need a crew.

Any bad dudes with me?

OP posts:
Iamnotawinp · 04/02/2024 14:54

Me again.

Plus we need the hackers and coders to find all that money they say they don’t have.

Iamnotawinp · 04/02/2024 14:52

I think we should use our evil powers for good.

We could advertise our services on a sliding scale to punish abusive ex’s and misogynists.

So we could charge £x for The Look, £xx for The Death Stare and £xxx for A Bit of a Telling Off using The Voice.

The invisible women could be handy getting into places least expected for delivering the punishment. The excellent boobies could be used as a lure. I’m sure we still need all the getaway drivers, snipers and sandwich makers.

I’ll start it rolling : A fiver to anyone who’ll find my ex and look at him in a disappointed fashion. That’s the least he deserves!

Original poster
ConciseQueen · 04/02/2024 14:50

We’ll definitely need a MN parking diagram up on the whiteboard.

What about safe-cracking? Anyone on the Christmas threads had a discount code for that? We might need to call in the crossworders.

OP posts:
queenofthebongo · 04/02/2024 14:15

Tezza1 · 04/02/2024 02:21

@poetrylover Manny Montana as Rio was worth drooling over, wasn't he? The perfect actor in the perfect role for him. I'm almost embarrassed to say, I chased down other things that he was in, but no, it just wasn't the same. A bit like Nathan Fillion as Mal Reynolds in Firefly/Serenity. That duster coat and braces!

I am shallow.

yup - Handsome, bad....so handsome....

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2024 14:13

No but can I hire you to remove someone who is project managing a project in working on? I don’t want them harmed just you know - vanished. Or banished. It can be somewhere nice, I hold them no ill will but if I have to continue working with them I may lose my mind. Let me know your rates.

queenofthebongo · 04/02/2024 14:13

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/02/2024 01:31

Don't know about the PP but stick me in a push up bra with my 30FF and I'd give Beth a run for her money.

I can drive and I'm a pretty accurate shooter.

I can also bake, sew...fuck maybe I am Beth 😆

Show quote history

I've already lost the baddie to all you girls with glorious boobies.....nearly asked if I could watch and then realised what I was thinking! 🙈

queenofthebongo · 04/02/2024 14:10

FancyAnxiety · 04/02/2024 00:53

I have glorious boobies if that helps?

We only need one set of glorious boobies. You are in I'd say!

queenofthebongo · 04/02/2024 14:07

RicePuddingWithCinnamon · 03/02/2024 21:53

Do you have glorious boobies like Beth?
They would be useful as a distraction to witnesses or to create a diversion.

Show quote history

Sadly no. They were quite glorious - I am literally the opposite of her!

WalkingThroughTreacle · 04/02/2024 13:34

Great thread but there's some glaring omissions in the planning. 7 pages in and not one person has insisted on a diagram showing where the getaway car will be parked and nobody has thought to suggest the tactical placement of penguin bollards to delay the old bill.

AntonFeckoff · 04/02/2024 13:30

@MistressoftheDarkSide I would LOVE a sword. How does one acquire one?

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/02/2024 13:00

Amazing thread - love it!!

Quite happy to offer approximately 33 decorative swords (late DPs collection in case of zombie apocalypse).

Currently postmenopausal with nothing left to lose and have done plenty of Netflix research on the perfect heist.

My special skills are distraction - vintage Lifestyle Goth with a flair for the dramatic. Can whip out my tarot cards and fascinate people for hours.

As for targets - how about the wine cellar at Parliament and possibly the pantry? We could smuggle it all out in our big girl pants and do a three way split - feed the poor, sell on the Dark Web and have a hell of a party....

Headabovetheparapets · 04/02/2024 12:53

just cat hing up with todays ideas. I am seriously impressed by all the talents on here🤗 restores faith in goodness🥰 obs the criminal intent aside.
I can make a mean cocktail/mocktail to go with the Cheese Scones & airfryer offerings & also have a camper van & a field would suggest we divide up the hiding low to different sites & confuse the authorities by using each others houses to do random batches of laundry & make a sharing casserole
You are all absolutely fabulous.

tofuprincess · 04/02/2024 12:53

You said you needed weapons...
I have access to an unlimited supply of prison poetry - ten times more potent than the Vogon stuff - and after decades-long exposure I am fully immune. Happy to provide cover for you as you make your escapes.

Eldest DC has now moved out so I have a spare bedroom available too.

ArabellaScott · 04/02/2024 12:52

If we need explosives I can get a good deal on weedkiller at Dobbies.

RicherThanYew · 04/02/2024 12:44

I'm a devout Catholic and a Care Manager. My clients and prayer group fellows will provide alibis for all. They're good like that. Could we target the meat counters at supermarkets? I'm led to believe that cold cuts sell well on the black market.

Mothew · 04/02/2024 12:44

CarrieMoonbeams · 04/02/2024 07:18

Ooh can I join in?

My super powers are:

Small but unbelievably solid - I could perhaps be used for ballast/to anchor things to in the event of a strong wind.

I make fantastic cheese scones.

Being many years post-menopause, I too have gained my cloak of invisibility.

I could almost literally talk anyone to death.

On the downside I am a bit squeamish, so if there's a blood'n'guts department, bagsy not going there please thank you.

I also can talk people to death, but only when tipsy. Aldi has my favourite wine for under a fiver so I can bring a few bottles which will go with the cheese scones nicely Wine

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 04/02/2024 12:41

^^ also, I have a gemmy, a lump hammer, a chainsaw and an axe. Will bring them....

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 04/02/2024 12:37

OccultGnuNew · 04/02/2024 09:20

I'm in! Post-menopausal, early 60's but not quite fully invisible due to being rather tall ( people assume I'm not there then walk into me and apologise in a puzzled manner).

Can see over tall objects or reach items off a high shelf.

I do need a regular pit stop due to a sensitive bladder. Ooo should I start practising with a SheWee in case we're on a long stakeout?

I have a she wee - will bring it.
Will be useful for stakeouts.

I have some good binoculars, too.

Another invisible menopausal woman here... and am good with powertools if that helps?

Mumof2NDers · 04/02/2024 12:35

poetrylover · 03/02/2024 21:50

Have you seen good girls? I'm kind of in love with the baddie from that. I'll do anything if I can have him' 🙈

Ooooh yes. There’s something about him isn’t there?!

Mothew · 04/02/2024 12:32

poetrylover · 03/02/2024 21:50

Have you seen good girls? I'm kind of in love with the baddie from that. I'll do anything if I can have him' 🙈

Hmm, I might consider coming along too...

to break bad?
LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 04/02/2024 12:25

@Coffeetwosugars you can be in charge of the electric saw - but please make sure you recharge it after you've played with it whilst you're finishing the next lot of rotas for the heists / bingo / history walks.

@ArabellaScott the saw can have a number of uses: it makes a great sound effect; we might need to saw our way through some doors; we will need firewood when we hide out in the campervans/ RVs / mobile caravans / sheds / remote farmhouses.

BeyondImagining · 04/02/2024 12:21

Coincidently only last night I said to DH I would be a great criminal cos who would suspect a respectable dumpy middle aged woman.

I'm in!

Ελλe · 04/02/2024 11:01

if we are in it purely for our own material gains I’d like to put my hat in the ring and say I want a smeg kettle

ArabellaScott · 04/02/2024 10:51

Birkenstocks are bloody fortunes. A thriving black market trade on used ones on ebay, too. We could also diversify into Hunter wellies for the wetter months. That's proper MN bling.

Tagyoureit · 04/02/2024 10:32

Collagen supplements! Those are fairly pricey these days!