to break bad?

Kinda "Knit one, purl one, oops sorry didn't see you there"? 😉

I realise that given the news today, a major issue for our planning and ops might be the impending tea shortage. I, for one, need several cups a day. I suspect I am not alone.

Maybe though we could hijack some tea lorries and start dealing Yorkshire Gold? Could be majorly profitable?

I'll bring my knitting needles along. They're metal, with pretty sharp points, especially the smaller sizes. A good jab with one could take a rozzer's someone's eye out. Only if absolutely necessary, you understand. I don't normally condone violence.

Has the DM picked this up yet as either satire or an actual “hiding in plain sight” crime plan?? If not.. why not <offended>

I can picture it, when inevitably we will all be seating in a courtroom and the judge prefers the words "So, you started a mumsnet thread!?"

@Needapadlockonmyfridge I'll take Susan Sarandon! I can see my critical path scene as being a major player in the success of the heists, slightly behind the batch-cooked cheese scones.

^^ooh how about Susan Sarandon à la Thelma and Louise?

@LoseMeLikeAnArrow <Bows to CPAGoddess> in my head I would be Sigourney Weaver à la Alien. (Sadly I look nothing like). You would have to be played by soneone impressively kickass and awe-inspiring. Kinda Jamie Lee Curtis?

Not only am I great at Gantt charts, I can do a mean critical path analysis.

When they make the film of our plotting / cooking / meth air frying / camping out / heists / death stares at bastard men, I want my critical path analysis scene to be more impressive than Matt Damon and the maths board in Good Will Hunting, with you all looking at me in absolute awe.

Who will they cast as us?

Will the film be called Con Air Fryer?

Skills I can offer:

Erm...

I'm quite bendy which is useful for climbing through windows if that would help? Only ground floor though, I don't do well with heights.

I also work with dogs (always have treats about my person) so I could befriend and distract any sniffer dogs (can't promise not to steal one though 😬).

Also, for laying low purposes, I have a friend who owns two holiday properties in the Outer Hebrides; he was quite the naughty boy in his youth and would have no qualms aiding and abetting 😂

This thread has had me in stitches, I can see it ending up in Classics!

To be fair, I think the Post Office are doing a good enough number on themselves at the moment!

We could do the post office, but we'd need to avoid Mondays because the queues are terrible.

It's difficult for us bank robbers now the branches are all closing.

Has someone set up a trello board yet?

Do pyramid schemes count as breaking bad? Someone's doing beauty products on Facebook and I reckon with a bit of a brand refresh we could set up a nationwide county lines operation to rival Avon.

Apparently we have to g check them and get the road men onto them. And we'll need some vulnerable mules or children. I have some of those and they could do with an alternative to chores which they do deliberately badly. It'll be like bob-a-job with menaces.

Can’t help with PM I’m afraid. Gantt charts bring me out in a rash.

Someone mentioned project management.... this will need a full time PM I think. Gantt charts, all the gubbins.

We also meed some marketing. I think we have a solid USP.
Anyone any good at Google ads? Might have to be a bit careful about keywords... need to be under the radar!

I'm an excellent batch cook. Can help feed the crew

I look like butter wouldn't melt.

People tell me things ALL THE TIME. It's weird, I just have a manner where people open up to me and tell me all sorts of stuff. I'd make an excellent scout ahead of any heist.

I can find people on the Internet.
I've seen enough of Ozark to launder money.

This thread is hilarious.

In fact, I don’t want to outsource that particular pleasure. If the PP with the large sword collection would be happy to loan me one, I will gladly hunt her down and plunge it into her virus-infested selfish lungs myself.

@CarrieMoonbeams I’ve just sourced a massive bottle of Gaviscon Advance from the pharmacy which I’m happy to share.

And what about coughing over someone without covering your mouth? That's got to be worth at least a tenner.

Can we start with the woman in Lidl a few days ago who had a coughing fit a couple of feet from me in the Specials aisle. Thanks to her I feel like death and had to cancel a date I had planned for last night. Oh and I coughed so much this morning I almost vomited in the bath. I hope her fucking Go Ahead Biscuit Breaks and golden syrup flavoured bastard Weetabix were worth it.

If you want to put security off searching your bag, place yesterday's underwear near the top, and suddenly remember the fuck off sewing scissors you brought along for the crochet/ knitting you are doing.

They thank you for being so honest, curl up in embarrassment and stop digging in fear of whatever else they might find. Obviously, you also need to show your honest face.

I’ve over-ordered Menopace if anyone needs a top-up on the day.

And what about coughing over someone without covering your mouth? That's got to be worth at least a tenner.

The heated airer is a great idea, but only if someone has a voucher for £7 off a £75 spend though. Even though we're laundering the money, we still need a bargain.

Alternatively if someone has a referral code, PLEASE put it on the referral thread, not in here 😡

I've just noticed a glaring omission though. To go along with my cheese scones, @Mothew's red wine and all other assorted beauties, can anyone get us a good deal on Gaviscon please?

"So we could charge £x for The Look, £xx for The Death Stare and £xxx for A Bit of a Telling Off using The Voice".

and £xxxx for snapping and farting or a posting passive-aggressive note through the door.

I’ll start it rolling : A fiver to anyone who’ll find my ex and look at him in a disappointed fashion. That’s the least he deserves!

@Iamnotawinp

Whereabouts is he? I’d be happy to offer my services within a 30 mile radius.