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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this a reasonable response

162 replies

NC2409 · 03/02/2024 20:16

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least.

My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that.

Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine.

Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram.

This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible.

I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

OP posts:
Windymcwindyson · 03/02/2024 20:55

She isn't a true friend.. Post away op.. She can block you if she wants..

Daffyyellow · 03/02/2024 20:51

You were sensitive to her situation and told her before announcing. You could have warned her that you were about to announce it but you didn’t have to. She is being nuts, but then that’s what such a hard situation can drive someone to. No need to apologise, definitely no need to ask her permission for future posts.

defiant2024 · 03/02/2024 20:49

Post anything you like, when you like, as you ike. Her permission never required. She needs more help than you can give her. You can't walk on eggshells about the most important event in your life, it's unreasonable to try to make you. Your friendship is effectively over. Unless you plan to counsel her and sideline your joyous event forever with zero guarantee she'll get over it.

You can't fix her, shouldn't be expected to try and have every right to post whatever you want. Enjoy your pregnancy.

notknowledgeable · 03/02/2024 20:49

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that. Maybe she was a bit shocked. did it include a scan picture? That might have been quite triggering.

She is distressed, cut her some slack. Just back off for a while and hope things between you can be mended in the future. I don't think either of you are in the wrong

defiant2024 · 03/02/2024 20:44

Double posted.

Original poster
NC2409 · 03/02/2024 20:36

She’s also pulled out of plans in our friendship group because I’m attending. I don’t want to plaster my pregnancy online or have it be all I talk about. I only wanted to announce it and leave it at that. I’m just heartbroken that I feel like I’m losing my friend

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 03/02/2024 20:33

Congratulations on your pregnancy, its such a relief hearing and seeing the heartbeat.
Your friend had a miscarriage in November and is likely still very raw however she is being unreasonable trying to dictate who and when you can tell. It really isn't any of her business.

Don't apologise again.
Take a break away from social media, you don't need to post every bit of information on your pregnancy.
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

IgnoranceNotOk · 03/02/2024 20:27

YANBU - you need some time apart. You know the feeling with the infertility journey you went through and how it feels like it will never happen for you and it’s so, so hard.
I have never had a miscarriage but we had IVF so I’ve felt the grief and everyone else getting pregnant and it’s painful.

You need to enjoy every minute of this but also be aware that your friendship might take a break for now and it may not recover.

After what we went through, I don’t put things about pregnancy or kids on SM as I don’t know what anyone else is going through. It’s up to you with what you share but definitely use the setting that won’t share it to her from now on to show you’re being sensitive now you know.

stemmedroses · 03/02/2024 20:24

She is being unreasonable; yes, what happened to her is really sad but she has no right to tell anyone what they can and can't post on their social media and you were not unreasonable to post about it. If she finds pregnancy talk too difficult, she can mute your posts.

I would check what she told your friends - are they under the impression that your post was the first time she knew about your pregnancy?

I wouldn't make a huge deal about it. You have replied to your friend and explained your side. I wouldn't keep trying to make it better. She is hurt because of her own situation; you can't and shouldn't apologise for being pregnant.

Toadstool1985 · 03/02/2024 20:23

Congratulations on your baby x

sprigatito · 03/02/2024 20:21

I think she is being very unreasonable and unfair, but it comes from a place of profound suffering, so I would cut her a lot of slack. I would gently insist on some boundaries, though; I would respect the request not to talk about the baby around her, but I wouldn't allow her to control what and when I posted online. I would tell her I wouldn't be offended if she needed to mute me for a while so she didn't have to see anything that might upset her.

Your other friend's' behaviour is more confusing. I would have to talk to them all individually and find out exactly what has been said, and try to clear up any misunderstandings. FWIW, I don't think you have done anything wrong.

LetsGoOutside · 03/02/2024 20:21

Read this back… “Should I have asked my best friend if I could post about my pregnancy.” Obviously not, no. You don’t need to ask your best friends permission. She sounds unhinged! Your husband must think she’s nuts! He’ll be excited too and as a result of this unhinged friend you’ve spent the day crying. I’d be cutting her out my life.

I’m a mum and I’ve had my own fertility problems including a PUL. Your “friend” is nuts!