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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this a reasonable response

162 replies

NC2409 · 03/02/2024 20:16

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least.

My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that.

Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine.

Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram.

This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible.

I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

OP posts:
lalalala2 · 04/02/2024 08:14

notknowledgeable · 03/02/2024 20:49

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that. Maybe she was a bit shocked. did it include a scan picture? That might have been quite triggering.

She is distressed, cut her some slack. Just back off for a while and hope things between you can be mended in the future. I don't think either of you are in the wrong

Loads of people post pregnancy announcements online

OP your friend is grieving but that shouldn't stop you being happy after the trouble you have had. Maybe just give her some time

SeamsLegit · 04/02/2024 08:13

StarlightLime · 03/02/2024 20:58

Did you have to announce it on Instagram? I've never seen that before, it seems a bit unnecessary.

Huh????? I find it hard to believe that you (and some other commenters) have somehow missed alllll the pregnancy announcements, there are so many! And some really creative ones too. "Coming soon" and eviction notices posted on cots for older siblings and gender reveals... I consider those (along with the other milestones - engagements, weddings, new homes, passed driving tests etc) as the whole point of social media. I'm genuinely curious, what DO you see on your social media?

OP you did nothing wrong, you do not need permission to enjoy and share your life, congratulations and hang in there, your friend will surely come round. I would be sensitive but I wouldn't pander to her. Let her be and be open when she realises

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 08:07

Oh and I fully agree that announcements on social media are the norm, but I thought posting scan photos was not the done thing because so many people find them upsetting.

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 08:05

It sounds like your friend had a second trimester loss? That must have been devastating and it's understandable that she's not being rational, especially if you've announced at around the gestation of her loss. I do think a heads up about your announcement would have been kind.

Your friends are BU to take against you. It doesn't sound like any of them have criticised you to your face? I suspect they've made sympathetic noises to your friend and are just lying low waiting for it to blow over.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 08:03

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 07:23

19 months - just over a year and a half - is not that long a time to be trying to conceive. Lots of people try for a lot longer than that and don’t succeed. Describing it as “fertility struggles” seems a bit OTT to me.

That's what you've taken from this? Finding a way to join the 'friend' in having a go at op?

ChangingPhoto · 04/02/2024 07:49

The only thing I would’ve done differently is when she texted to see if the scan had gone okay, I would’ve said ‘yes all was fine thanks’. I probably would not have said ‘really well’. A minor point though. I would’ve probably said at that point that I’m about to announce the scan on Instagram just to give her some warning.

But you certainly do not deserve the reaction you have had OP. You are allowed to celebrate and enjoy your pregnancy and have been sensitive up to now. Congratulations!

Globetrote · 04/02/2024 07:44

Your friend is behaving badly with her demands, and as pp have said, I think she was hoping for bad news from your scan. If so, that’s appalling.

Talk to your other friends, make it clear that she was encouraging you to talk about your pregnancy and share updates, as they may be thinking that the first she had heard of it was your Instagram announcement. Maybe share screenshots of her texts asking you about your pregnancy. If they all cut you off or get funny with you then they are not genuine friends. They may also want to think about how she may treat them if they become pregnant.

Willmafrockfit · 04/02/2024 07:34

congratulations on your pregnancy.
speak to your friendship group about how you feel op
enjoy your pregnancy

@NC2409

WandaWonder · 04/02/2024 07:29

No there is no justification for the way she is acting, I would leave it for a while and if she wants to get in touch fine if not then I would leave it

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 07:23

19 months - just over a year and a half - is not that long a time to be trying to conceive. Lots of people try for a lot longer than that and don’t succeed. Describing it as “fertility struggles” seems a bit OTT to me.

LovelaceBiggWither · 04/02/2024 07:15

I've lost several pregnancies. Your friend is behaving terribly and is utterly unreasonable.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 07:14

YankSplaining · 03/02/2024 23:50

Don’t post pictures from your wedding - some people are widowed or divorced. Don’t post pictures from your graduation - some people got rejected from schools they applied to. Actually, don’t post pictures of anything in your life, because some people don’t have those things. 🙄

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Dont forget..d on't post anything on social media as some people don't have social media so that's wrong of you! 😬😬

Jf20 · 04/02/2024 07:13

Wow she’s behaving terribly. To try to ruin your joy due to her unhappiness. That’s appalling. I assume your friends are just scared to say anything due to her behaviour. I’d post as you wish, continue as you would. Please don’t feel you need to hide your pregnancy . The friendship is over anyway, as she’s not going to wish to be there when baby comes.

Badgerandfox227 · 04/02/2024 06:52

OP don’t let this incident burst your pregnancy bubble of happiness! It’s quite possible your friend just did a knee jerk reaction and will come to herself and realise how out of order she’s been. Especially her request for you to run things past her - that’s bonkers!
Id definitely try and speak to other friends and make sure they know how things have been, that you understand the struggles of seeing others being pregnant, but when things were the other way round you were happy for your friend.
Can you pop round to your friends with some flowers and some nice biscuits and suggest you have a cuppa and a chat? Make it clear that you’re sorry she was hurt by your post, not that you’re sorry you did it. Might be better to clear the air than let it fester.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/02/2024 06:46

Don’t let this spoil what should you be a wonderful time for you and your partner.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/02/2024 06:45

Sounds like she was a hoping for bad news, in which case, you don’t need her as a friend.

The vast majority of people I know have posted on SM to announce their pregnancy and that’s your choice.

You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and it’s unfair that your ‘friendship group’ are spoiling this.

YANBU.

AuntieMaggie · 04/02/2024 06:37

Your friend is bonkers. It probably is her grief talking but that does not excuse her behaviour or that of your other friends. In my friendship group we have had those with fertility struggles and miscarriages and none of them have acted like this when others have announced their pregnancy - they may have struggled with it but have not ever done anything to affect the happiness and joy of those pregnant.

I would tell your other friends what you have said here - that she's been seemingly happy for you until this and that given your fertility you are sure they understand why this is such a big deal for you and your husband. And then send her a gentle message to say whilst you understand it may be hard for her, you are entitled to be happy and manage your pregnancy in the way you want to. There are two parent in this pregnancy and she isn't one of them.

There are times in your life when you find out who your friends are, I hope that your other friends come round I really do.

Congratulations - enjoy your pregnancy and try not to let this affect your journey x

JammyDodgersAreNice · 04/02/2024 06:37

notknowledgeable · 03/02/2024 20:49

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that. Maybe she was a bit shocked. did it include a scan picture? That might have been quite triggering.

She is distressed, cut her some slack. Just back off for a while and hope things between you can be mended in the future. I don't think either of you are in the wrong

Sorry but literally everyone I know announces it online 🤔

TammyJones · 04/02/2024 06:30

Mumsgirls · 03/02/2024 23:55

Years ago my best friend and I were due at the same time.Her son was stillborn, my baby fine. She still wanted to see my baby a lot, no jealousy and was sat the hospital to visit. Had a special bond with my child and celebrated with us. That’s what a friend does. Not make you child taboo because they were not lucky

What sad but lovely story.
I hope your friend goes on to have her own baby someday Flowers

VanilleA · 04/02/2024 06:20

YankSplaining · 03/02/2024 23:50

Don’t post pictures from your wedding - some people are widowed or divorced. Don’t post pictures from your graduation - some people got rejected from schools they applied to. Actually, don’t post pictures of anything in your life, because some people don’t have those things. 🙄

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Those things are different to infertility and the death of a baby

VanilleA · 04/02/2024 06:19

sprigatito · 03/02/2024 23:21

@VanilleA I don't think OP was asking you to evaluate the tastefulness of her social media habits.

No but another poster was

Redglitter · 04/02/2024 00:37

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that

I think that's odd. Pregnancy announcements online are very common these days. I'd say pretty much every pregnancy I've heard of in recent years has been announced online.

OP you've done nothing wrong. As for running everything by her before you post? I've never heard anything so ridiculous. Don't even consider it.

Oh, and congratulations

Mumsgirls · 03/02/2024 23:55

Years ago my best friend and I were due at the same time.Her son was stillborn, my baby fine. She still wanted to see my baby a lot, no jealousy and was sat the hospital to visit. Had a special bond with my child and celebrated with us. That’s what a friend does. Not make you child taboo because they were not lucky

YankSplaining · 03/02/2024 23:50

VanilleA · 03/02/2024 22:38

I don't know why you're on about plastering I can't see where that's mentioned.

I think its best not to put scan photos on social media as they are an image announcement. Just a message is fine.

Show quote history

Don’t post pictures from your wedding - some people are widowed or divorced. Don’t post pictures from your graduation - some people got rejected from schools they applied to. Actually, don’t post pictures of anything in your life, because some people don’t have those things. 🙄

KreedKafer · 03/02/2024 23:47

EmilyTjP · 03/02/2024 21:22

I know we can only make assumptions but it sounds like she wasn’t expecting/wanting to hear your scan went really well and I think that is unforgivable.

I think there’s an element of this too.