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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this a reasonable response

162 replies

NC2409 · 03/02/2024 20:16

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least.

My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that.

Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine.

Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram.

This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible.

I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 10:06

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 10:03

@ColleenDonaghy you said she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants. I suspect your friends feel the same.
So basically you agree that the horrible behaviour is okay, and you and your friendship group would go along with this horrible behaviour and support it.

Don't be ridiculous. That's not what I said and you know it.

I suspect there is no collusion in the wider group about not contacting OP, they've just done it as individuals and unfortunately with all of them doing the same the silence is deafening to OP.

As a friend of both I would think it insensitive to post a scan pic on social media so soon after a friend's late miscarriage though I think. It wouldn't happen in my group (but we're not big social media users anyway).

EmilyTjP · 04/02/2024 10:05

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 08:07

Oh and I fully agree that announcements on social media are the norm, but I thought posting scan photos was not the done thing because so many people find them upsetting.

What happened to resilience?! No one should show scan photos now incase people find them triggering or upsetting? Thats insane!

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 04/02/2024 10:03

She is being manipulative and awful and frankly - she should be dealing better with her loss by now and I say that as someone who has had 6 miscarriages!

Enjoy and celebrate your pregnancy. Make clear to your friends that you had discussed this with her multiple times and that she is attention-seeking and sadly be prepared to lose this friend.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 10:03

@ColleenDonaghy you said she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants. I suspect your friends feel the same.
So basically you agree that the horrible behaviour is okay, and you and your friendship group would go along with this horrible behaviour and support it.

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 10:03

TeaKitten · 04/02/2024 09:58

No, she still wouldn’t get to decide what OP can post on social media and when. She’s not in a relationship with OP.

Show quote history

Of course she wouldn't get to decide anything. But if she had a late loss three months ago then personally I would be cutting her a little slack and making allowances for her unreasonableness. Which I suspect is the view of the wider group - she's being unfair but they get why.

I've never had a pregnancy loss past the first trimester, but I have had a devastating bereavement and I was far from my best or most rational three months out. It sounds like this woman had a successful dating scan and announced her seemingly healthy pregnancy only to lose the baby, that's horrific.

Littlebluebird123 · 04/02/2024 10:02

Have you spoken to the other friends? I'm confused by their reactions.
Maybe they are under the impression that this was how your friend found out. That would be insensitive but of course, isn't at all true.

My first thought was that she was waiting for bad news too but upon reflection I wonder if she was desperately trying to be supportive as it was difficult for you but now it's 'OK' it's real and she'll have to deal with you having what she doesn't. She's not behaving well but it is devastating to have a miscarriage. I would cool things with her and suggest she mute you on social media.

TravelDazzle · 04/02/2024 10:01

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 09:58

I don't think anyone apart from the bereaved friend has been horrible and dismissive to OP though? Sounds like the rest of the group are just keeping their heads down which is understandable. It's rotten all round really.

Show quote history

I'm sure OP said none of her other friends have congratulated her - that's pretty horrible.

TeaKitten · 04/02/2024 10:01

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 09:58

I don't think anyone apart from the bereaved friend has been horrible and dismissive to OP though? Sounds like the rest of the group are just keeping their heads down which is understandable. It's rotten all round really.

Show quote history

Keeping their heads down by basically ignoring OP is horrible, she hasn’t done anything wrong.

pictoosh · 04/02/2024 10:00

The rest of the group should not be 'keeping their heads down' - in these circumstances OP has every right to expect them to be happy for her.

I asked earlier in the thread if 'friend' has a lot of in fluence within the group. OP never replied but I'm still curious to know.

TeaKitten · 04/02/2024 09:58

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 09:52

OP could you answer the questions about the gestation of your friend's loss? I'm of the view that 3 months out from a second trimester loss following a successful dating scan she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants. I suspect your friends feel the same.

So soon after such a big loss I think all of our group would still be reeling tbh and the more I think of it the more I think it was a bit insensitive to post a scan picture without as much as a heads up.

Show quote history

No, she still wouldn’t get to decide what OP can post on social media and when. She’s not in a relationship with OP.

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 09:58

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 09:55

So everyone gets to be horrible and dismissive of op? And she has to meekly accept the nastiness?
Fuck a 'friendship' group like that.
@ColleenDonaghy so if this woman's unreasonable views include her stating op cannot talk about or mention her pregnancy to anyone, can't have a baby shower, mustn't announce the birth, shouldn't actually go out and about visibly pregnant or with her newborn she needs to follow her instructions?

Edited
Show quote history

I don't think anyone apart from the bereaved friend has been horrible and dismissive to OP though? Sounds like the rest of the group are just keeping their heads down which is understandable. It's rotten all round really.

pictoosh · 04/02/2024 09:57

I agree with you @MyGooseisTotallyLoose .

OP hasn't done a single thing wrong.
Awful behaviour from the friend.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 09:55

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 09:52

OP could you answer the questions about the gestation of your friend's loss? I'm of the view that 3 months out from a second trimester loss following a successful dating scan she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants. I suspect your friends feel the same.

So soon after such a big loss I think all of our group would still be reeling tbh and the more I think of it the more I think it was a bit insensitive to post a scan picture without as much as a heads up.

Show quote history

So everyone gets to be horrible and dismissive of op? And she has to meekly accept the nastiness?
Fuck a 'friendship' group like that.
@ColleenDonaghy so if this woman's unreasonable views include her stating op cannot talk about or mention her pregnancy to anyone, can't have a baby shower, mustn't announce the birth, shouldn't actually go out and about visibly pregnant or with her newborn she needs to follow her instructions?

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 09:52

NC2409 · 04/02/2024 09:45

Our GP gave us a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and put us on a waiting list for fertility treatment. I’m only going off what medical professionals told us

Show quote history

OP could you answer the questions about the gestation of your friend's loss? I'm of the view that 3 months out from a second trimester loss following a successful dating scan she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants. I suspect your friends feel the same.

So soon after such a big loss I think all of our group would still be reeling tbh and the more I think of it the more I think it was a bit insensitive to post a scan picture without as much as a heads up.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 04/02/2024 09:52

She's being an arsehole. I'd be really really upset at her being aware of the pregnancy the whole time, bringing it up, texting me about the scans, asking for updates, and then acting like I've done something wrong by announcing it more widely. (I personally never announced my pregnancies online but I'm surprised at the PPs who say they've never seen anyone do it).

I've had miscarriages, and they're awful. They're not a licence to act like this though. I think she's been really cruel to support you and then flip it. You told her you were pregnant before the miscarriage, and after the miscarriage she could have said she didn't want to discuss your pregnancy.

I know we can only make assumptions but it sounds like she wasn’t expecting/wanting to hear your scan went really well and I think that is unforgivable.

I thought the same.

TravelDazzle · 04/02/2024 09:51

NC2409 · 04/02/2024 09:45

Our GP gave us a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and put us on a waiting list for fertility treatment. I’m only going off what medical professionals told us

Show quote history

OP, don't waste your energy on insensitive prats like this one. You're not required to justify anything. I would give some distance to your friend and wait to see if she wants to get in touch in future (and think about if her behaviour is forgivable to you). Don't let thus overshadow such happy news for you - focus on the people who want to celebrate this with you and enjoy every minute!

TravelDazzle · 04/02/2024 09:49

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 07:23

19 months - just over a year and a half - is not that long a time to be trying to conceive. Lots of people try for a lot longer than that and don’t succeed. Describing it as “fertility struggles” seems a bit OTT to me.

What the fuck is wrong with you??

Original poster
NC2409 · 04/02/2024 09:45

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 07:23

19 months - just over a year and a half - is not that long a time to be trying to conceive. Lots of people try for a lot longer than that and don’t succeed. Describing it as “fertility struggles” seems a bit OTT to me.

Our GP gave us a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and put us on a waiting list for fertility treatment. I’m only going off what medical professionals told us

OP posts:
Toomuch2019 · 04/02/2024 09:35

On the point about "everyone in the group" feeling this way-if it is her saying this that may actually not be the case. They may just be being polite and trying to be sensitive when she moans rather than actively feeling that way themselves.

Nicole1111 · 04/02/2024 09:31

You followed her lead and handled your pregnancy incredibly sensitively. She asked about your scan so you were right to reply and did nothing wrong. You also have a right to share your pregnancy news online and it’s completely unreasonable and controlling of her to expect you to run your potential posts past her. She has to take some responsibility for using social media if she is going to be triggered. If it wasn’t you it would have been someone else posting. When she fell pregnant was she incredibly sensitive given her knowledge of your fertility difficulties? Would she have accepted you denying her posting about her pregnancy had she not had a miscarriage? If the answer is no then I’d be looking to cut her from your life. You might also need to consider your other friends responses and whether they are truly friends.
I hope this hasn’t robbed too much of the joy about your pregnancy. Congratulations 🥰

Lighrbulbmo · 04/02/2024 09:05

She’s trying to control your pregnancy bc she has no control over her own. It’s quite sad really. How much do you want to save this friendship? Will it impact negatively on your own wellbeing

Lighrbulbmo · 04/02/2024 09:03

Congratulations and keep being yourself, you’ve done nothing wrong, she is acting strange and needs time to grieve.

Tinkerbyebye · 04/02/2024 08:35

Yanbu

sounds to me that she wants to be the on,y one who knows and is now upset it’s been taken away from her

you may have to be careful around her, and maybe the others are trying to be sensitive to her, but crack on posting

she cannot dictate what others do as she had a miscarriage, tough as it is.

Ghouella · 04/02/2024 08:26

She's being extremely unreasonable.

If you can see yourself being friends in future, I would respond to explain:

  1. I am very sad that you are struggling so much and that this is difficult for you

  2. You've really upset me

  3. Going forward I'm not going to ask your permission to enjoy or share my pregnancy with other people and I make no apology for this

  4. I'll be here for you as a friend when you are ready but in the meantime I'm not willing to receive unkind comments from you because they are very upsetting

Another option would be to just ignore / block her but that might be difficult to come back from in terms of your friendship as you are bound to feel resentful if you haven't had your say.

Don't feel guilty or responsible if she sabotages her social life, you have no control over her actions and she's being so irrational there may nothing to appease her short of pretending you aren't pregnant anyway (which you can't do, your welfare matters too).

elcee23 · 04/02/2024 08:19

I supported a friend with infertility issues who had suffered a recent miscarraige and telling her I had fallen pregnant was really hard. She was so supportive and wanted to hear about the pregnancy. I didn't ever announce on social media because seeing what she had gone through highlighted to me that it might be difficult for her but also that I had no idea what others may be going through. My friend eould never have expected me not to, it was my choice. That said, engaging with social media is a choice and people have to be responsible for their own mental wellbeing and could consider switching off from it if they are finding the content of other people's lives triggering. When my friend eventually fell pregnant again and got her 12 week scan, she posted the scan picture and announced her pregnancy on social media.