Page 2 | Is this a reasonable response

NC2409 · 2024-02-03T20:16:39+00:00

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible. I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least. My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that. Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine. Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram. This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible. I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

Pudmyboy · 04/02/2024 11:57

Crikey @NC2409 sorry your friends are behaving like this, pushing you out so soon, what a horrible bunch, to not even contact you individually when you made individual contact. Sorry sounds like your 'best friend ' really isn't, if she can ruin this for you and if the rest of the group are going along with her they aren't your friends either. Hope you meet new, better, friends on your pregnancy journey

Original poster

NC2409 · 04/02/2024 11:45

Littlebluebird123 · 04/02/2024 10:02

Have you spoken to the other friends? I'm confused by their reactions.
Maybe they are under the impression that this was how your friend found out. That would be insensitive but of course, isn't at all true.

My first thought was that she was waiting for bad news too but upon reflection I wonder if she was desperately trying to be supportive as it was difficult for you but now it's 'OK' it's real and she'll have to deal with you having what she doesn't. She's not behaving well but it is devastating to have a miscarriage. I would cool things with her and suggest she mute you on social media.

My friends were all told I was pregnant before the NHS scan. I had messages in the group chat which we’re all in to wish me good luck before the NHS scan. I replied saying thank you.
After the scan, I didn’t want to make the group chat about pregnancy, so I messaged my friends individually to say it went well but none of them have replied.
I explained to them that I thought our other friend wouldn’t mind because of how supportive she’s been and because of how much she’s encouraged me to talk about it (which they’re all witnesses to). Again, none of them have replied.

They’ve now organised a boozy brunch for next weekend in the group chat and have said there’s no alcohol free options for me to be able to attend. These plans have been discussed in the group chat this morning, though were not initiated by my best friend. This is how I know everyone has seen my messages but just haven’t replied.

I just feel a bit isolated because I’ve always congratulated them, attended their baby showers, etc, and never once showed any upset. Now it’s finally my turn and it’s been discovered that things are going well, I’ve had no ‘congratulations’ from any of them.

I’m just a bit baffled by the sudden U-turn of everyone being supportive and wanting me to share, to suddenly acting like it isn’t happening

OP posts:

Fofftwenty21 · 04/02/2024 11:43

It sounds like the results of your scan triggered something in her around her miscarriage - none of which is anybodys fault.

She obviously can't control what you do/don't post though. I wouldn't post anything else about your pregnancy in any groups she is in for now and just give her space.

Can you contact some of the other friends for a chat/meetup so you stay in contact with them? Id also concentrate on other people you can share and celebrate your good news with outside that friendship group.

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 11:41

NC2409 · 04/02/2024 11:31

So because of waiting times/delays where we are, I paid to have private scans throughout my first trimester until I could have my NHS dating scan, which is the one I referred to in my first post.
My friend had a private scan at 7 weeks which went really well, and she chose to post this and publicly announce from this point as she felt she was safe to do so. It was her first pregnancy and she was really excited so no judgement on how early she chose to announce.
When she had her dating scan with the NHS, she was 14 weeks pregnant, so already in the second trimester. A lot of people count the second trimester from 13 weeks. At her dating scan, she was told that there was no heartbeat, and that her baby unfortunately stopped growing at around 8 weeks. It was a missed miscarriage as she had no symptoms of losing her baby. She naturally passed the baby a couple of days later. This all took place in November

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Ah ok that changes things, very different to a loss after the dating scan. I had the same thing and it's shit but also very normal.

Original poster

NC2409 · 04/02/2024 11:36

pictoosh · 04/02/2024 10:00

The rest of the group should not be 'keeping their heads down' - in these circumstances OP has every right to expect them to be happy for her.

I asked earlier in the thread if 'friend' has a lot of in fluence within the group. OP never replied but I'm still curious to know.

Apologies, I don’t think I saw your question as I’ve only been scanning through up to now. She does have a lot of influence in the group, yes. By this I mean she usually organises things and is the one everyone tends to go to

OP posts:

Original poster

NC2409 · 04/02/2024 11:31

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 09:52

OP could you answer the questions about the gestation of your friend's loss? I'm of the view that 3 months out from a second trimester loss following a successful dating scan she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants. I suspect your friends feel the same.

So soon after such a big loss I think all of our group would still be reeling tbh and the more I think of it the more I think it was a bit insensitive to post a scan picture without as much as a heads up.

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So because of waiting times/delays where we are, I paid to have private scans throughout my first trimester until I could have my NHS dating scan, which is the one I referred to in my first post.
My friend had a private scan at 7 weeks which went really well, and she chose to post this and publicly announce from this point as she felt she was safe to do so. It was her first pregnancy and she was really excited so no judgement on how early she chose to announce.
When she had her dating scan with the NHS, she was 14 weeks pregnant, so already in the second trimester. A lot of people count the second trimester from 13 weeks. At her dating scan, she was told that there was no heartbeat, and that her baby unfortunately stopped growing at around 8 weeks. It was a missed miscarriage as she had no symptoms of losing her baby. She naturally passed the baby a couple of days later. This all took place in November

OP posts:

SkiingIsHeaven · 04/02/2024 11:20

I had a few miscarriages but was always happy for my friends when they announced that they were pregnant.

It does hurt but a true friend would be happy for you.

Congratulations.

Angelsrose · 04/02/2024 11:14

notknowledgeable · 03/02/2024 20:49

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that. Maybe she was a bit shocked. did it include a scan picture? That might have been quite triggering.

She is distressed, cut her some slack. Just back off for a while and hope things between you can be mended in the future. I don't think either of you are in the wrong

I wouldn't personally post my pregnancy online but it is quite common! I have seen many posts.

pictoosh · 04/02/2024 11:03

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 10:29

This, and if they are so in thrall to her that not only are they too afraid to publicly congratulate you, that they won't even privately message you, then they are an absolute shit show!

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I'm thinking along the same lines here although could be barking up the wrong tree.
Just seems notable than none of the group posted a like or a congratulations on the Instagram announcement.

Adults who think and act independently don't behave like that. Friends who value a genuine connection with us don't ignore our lifechanging events.

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 10:53

TeaKitten · 04/02/2024 10:32

She didn’t misunderstand. You’ve been a little like OPs friend really, you’ve been through an awful experience and so you think it’s ok to be unkind to OP whose struggle is far lesser than yours. It wasn’t even relevant to the thread. If your fertility tests were more than 10
years ago that’s probably why your experience of diagnosis is different to OPs. Sorry for your struggle but just like OPs friend, that doesn’t mean it’s right to be unkind.

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Ok, you and @TravelDazzle do have a point. I apologise to the OP, I shouldn’t have posted on this thread at all.

TeaKitten · 04/02/2024 10:32

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 10:21

I think you misunderstood my post. To clarify, I didn’t mean I got pregnant after getting a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. I didn’t get my diagnosis of unexplained infertility from my GP, all he said was that we had tried long enough and referred us to gynae outpatients for tests. The results of those tests was unexplained infertility. We were referred on for treatment and had 10 years of IVF sadly with no result.

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She didn’t misunderstand. You’ve been a little like OPs friend really, you’ve been through an awful experience and so you think it’s ok to be unkind to OP whose struggle is far lesser than yours. It wasn’t even relevant to the thread. If your fertility tests were more than 10
years ago that’s probably why your experience of diagnosis is different to OPs. Sorry for your struggle but just like OPs friend, that doesn’t mean it’s right to be unkind.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 10:29

Loopytiles · 04/02/2024 10:14

Friend is U.

If other friends haven’t congratulated you and / or are suggesting you’ve been U by announcing your pregnancy on social media in a single post, they are U too.

This, and if they are so in thrall to her that not only are they too afraid to publicly congratulate you, that they won't even privately message you, then they are an absolute shit show!

JMSA · 04/02/2024 10:28

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that.

Umm, what, really? It's completely the norm these days ... and I say that as someone with a very scant social media presence.

JMSA · 04/02/2024 10:26

Congratulations!
I'm so sorry that this has put a cloud over everything - you don't sound insensitive to me at all.
Probably no comfort at the moment, but you will make new friends once baby is here.
Best wishes x

TravelDazzle · 04/02/2024 10:24

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 10:21

I think you misunderstood my post. To clarify, I didn’t mean I got pregnant after getting a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. I didn’t get my diagnosis of unexplained infertility from my GP, all he said was that we had tried long enough and referred us to gynae outpatients for tests. The results of those tests was unexplained infertility. We were referred on for treatment and had 10 years of IVF sadly with no result.

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I didn't misunderstand anything. Again - your post was still incredibly twatty (and had no relevance to the OP at all )

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 10:21

TravelDazzle · 04/02/2024 10:11

That's a nice story. Your post was still incredibly twatty.

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I think you misunderstood my post. To clarify, I didn’t mean I got pregnant after getting a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. I didn’t get my diagnosis of unexplained infertility from my GP, all he said was that we had tried long enough and referred us to gynae outpatients for tests. The results of those tests was unexplained infertility. We were referred on for treatment and had 10 years of IVF sadly with no result.

Loopytiles · 04/02/2024 10:14

Friend is U.

If other friends haven’t congratulated you and / or are suggesting you’ve been U by announcing your pregnancy on social media in a single post, they are U too.

Seadreamers · 04/02/2024 10:13

She is behaving badly and I would back off from her on the meantime. Having a miscarriage doesn’t entitle you to behave like this; I’ve have two miscarriages and then had friends pregnant around me - it’s hard but you need to be mature and not a bitch.

If you don’t hear from these other friends in about a week then I would contact them. If they react like your best friend has then these people are not your friends. If they are receptive to you, then I would explain that best friend knew of your pregnancy, was encouraging you to talk about it and then has turned on you once you’ve announced it publicly. She may have spun them a story that this is the first she’s heard of it. Maybe show them a couple of her texts showing how positive she was.

I’d be willing to bet that best friend is the Queen Bee of your friendship group and the rest of them are toeing the line as they are scared to offend her.

TeaKitten · 04/02/2024 10:12

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 10:08

Just saying what I feel. Of course it’s wonderful that OP is now pregnant and I wish her all the best with that. But perfectly healthy people can take as long as the OP did to conceive naturally. I don’t know if her GP did any tests to arrive at a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, I didn’t get mine until we’d been referred to gynae outpatients for basic tests.

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She says in the OP she had multiple fertility tests done. Of course healthy people can take that long to conceive, but it’s longer than average and a stressful journey to go on. She had fertility struggles. Why do people just want to be unkind to the OP on this thread?

TravelDazzle · 04/02/2024 10:11

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 10:08

Just saying what I feel. Of course it’s wonderful that OP is now pregnant and I wish her all the best with that. But perfectly healthy people can take as long as the OP did to conceive naturally. I don’t know if her GP did any tests to arrive at a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, I didn’t get mine until we’d been referred to gynae outpatients for basic tests.

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That's a nice story. Your post was still incredibly twatty.

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 10:11

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 10:09

@ColleenDonaghy you said she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants and I suspect your friends feel the same if this isn't condoning the horrible behaviour what is?

I try to make allowances for my loved ones' behaviour when they're going through hell, yes. I may not agree with their actions (and I don't agree with the friend, of course OP is free to post what she likes) but I fully understand why someone in the depths of grief may not be rational.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 10:09

@ColleenDonaghy you said she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants and I suspect your friends feel the same if this isn't condoning the horrible behaviour what is?

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 10:08

EmilyTjP · 04/02/2024 10:05

What happened to resilience?! No one should show scan photos now incase people find them triggering or upsetting? Thats insane!

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I've never suffered with infertility and was lucky enough to only have one miscarriage so it's not something I'm bothered by, but I've seen many many women say that they find scan photos much more difficult than other forms of pregnancy announcement. I thought that was being more widely understood and so announcements tend to be a bit more sensitive these days - I don't see many scan photos on my feed these days whereas it used to be the norm.

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 10:08

TravelDazzle · 04/02/2024 09:49

What the fuck is wrong with you??

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Just saying what I feel. Of course it’s wonderful that OP is now pregnant and I wish her all the best with that. But perfectly healthy people can take as long as the OP did to conceive naturally. I don’t know if her GP did any tests to arrive at a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, I didn’t get mine until we’d been referred to gynae outpatients for basic tests.

TeaKitten · 04/02/2024 10:07

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 10:03

Of course she wouldn't get to decide anything. But if she had a late loss three months ago then personally I would be cutting her a little slack and making allowances for her unreasonableness. Which I suspect is the view of the wider group - she's being unfair but they get why.

I've never had a pregnancy loss past the first trimester, but I have had a devastating bereavement and I was far from my best or most rational three months out. It sounds like this woman had a successful dating scan and announced her seemingly healthy pregnancy only to lose the baby, that's horrific.

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You said she gets to be unreasonable as she wants, which is wrong. My middle baby was stillborn at 35 weeks and pregnancy announcements were awful, and still are, but did I police my best friends pregnancy and be as unreasonable as I wanted? No. Because it’s not ok. It may have been forgivable but OP hasn’t done anything wrong, she’s tried her best to be sensitive and is being punished anyway. She’s just a woman trying to have a baby and enjoy it whilst trying not to upset her friend. It’s not a competition of who deserves to be the most unreasonable