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Original poster

Is this a reasonable response

162 replies

NC2409 · 03/02/2024 20:16

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least.

My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that.

Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine.

Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram.

This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible.

I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

OP posts:
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ShadowPlaying · 07/02/2024 10:30

Some of the comments on here are vile OP I'm so sorry you're getting them.

I think your friend must have said something to the others but if they are ignoring you there's not much you can do. Your friend can't control what you post ect.

Riverlee · 07/02/2024 07:39

Amybelle88 · 07/02/2024 00:18

Fucking bitches, the lot of them.

And this!!!

Riverlee · 07/02/2024 07:38

Op - how are you feeling?

Is there any particular friend in this group who you know better or can trust and ask why she and others haven’t responded with the usual ‘glad it’s gone well’ type comments?

Amybelle88 · 07/02/2024 00:18

Fucking bitches, the lot of them.

Mermaidsarereal · 06/02/2024 19:07

Your friend is obviously still hurting but unfortunately she cannot tell you what to post and what to talk about. I would also be checking with your other "friends" and ask what their issue is! It all sounds very immature, surely if there's an issue they should tell you rather than bitching behind your back!

Iamnotalemming · 06/02/2024 11:02

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

These 'friends' are not good friends. You need to focus on your health and wellbeing and the bump right now. Take a step back. Spend some time with your family. Join a NCT group or a pregnancy yoga class and spend some time with other people. Plan a babymoon with your DP.

The 2nd trimester is normally the one where you feel best so go and enjoy some of these things and don't stay at home feeling sad about some witches getting pissed and cutting you out when you've done nothing wrong

Allofaflutter · 06/02/2024 10:45

When people show you who they are believe them. Bitches the whole lot. Walk away head high and go find real friends. They aren’t it.

Whatonearth07957 · 05/02/2024 21:08

Keep to yourself and congrats on baby...they'll be supporting her as queen bee, people including her may come around xx

Datafan55 · 04/02/2024 21:25

P.s please don't feel guilty. And it is not actually up to your friend to dictate where and what you can post.

Datafan55 · 04/02/2024 21:24

I'm sorry you're not hearing back from friends. I could maybe understand them not wanting to gush on a post your other friend can see, in case she is upset, but not replying to messages and the lunch.... Not so good.

Focus on the good news :-)

Daffyyellow · 04/02/2024 21:17

Re the Boozy lunch - that’s catty. I’m sorry OP but they’re showing their true colours, they are not friends of yours. 💐

ohthehokey · 04/02/2024 20:23

notknowledgeable · 03/02/2024 20:49

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that. Maybe she was a bit shocked. did it include a scan picture? That might have been quite triggering.

She is distressed, cut her some slack. Just back off for a while and hope things between you can be mended in the future. I don't think either of you are in the wrong

Since when is it odd?

Practically everyone I know who's got pregnant in the last ten years has posted about it online. I've seen two posts on my friend list in just the last week with a scan photo and some little bootees to announce it to the world.

Catdoorman · 04/02/2024 16:22

You've been very kind in keeping everything discreet, she's still struggling to accept her loss and till now she's put on a brave face, and kept it together. Now it's very real, so she is facing a lot of emotions she can't cope with. She wants to control how you communicate through social media, so that she can soften the blow. I understand that you are worried about your friend,and don't want to lose her, but you are not responsible for her, she will suck the joy out of this happy time,that you should buy rights be basking in. The other friends are just mean girls, who are enjoying the drama. Back away for now, Enjoy your pregnancy, you have every right to be proud and happy

Cdeedee · 04/02/2024 15:27

Your 'friend' sounds like an absolute dick, as do the rest of them.

Congrats on your pregnancy :)

Littlebluebird123 · 04/02/2024 15:18

Wow.
That does seem like they're being harsh.
I'm sorry you're facing this.
I can't see that you've done anything wrong though.

Mumsanetta · 04/02/2024 13:39

pictoosh · 04/02/2024 11:57

Poor you. Looks like you've been scapegoated by 'friend' and the others have elected to protect their own standing in the group and side with her.
She has used this emotive subject to justify bullying you out.

It may come as a surprise to people but not everyone who has miscarried is nice or decent. It's not an excuse.

Edited

Exactly this. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this OP, these people are not your friends.

I would look into joining a NCT group near you so that you can meet some other mums you can share this journey with. NCT can be a source of lifelong friends.

ToWhitToWhoo · 04/02/2024 13:32

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think there are two different issues here. One is her forbidding you to talk about your pregnancy. That is U of her, especially as she'd up till then encouraged you to do so, but given her circumstances, I might cut her some slack over this.

The other issue is her apparently bitching about you to your mutual friends and trying to influence them against you. THAT, as far as I'm concerned, is pretty unforgivable of her. It's also not great of them to allow themselves to be influenced,

Brefugee · 04/02/2024 12:59

I just feel a bit isolated because I’ve always congratulated them, attended their baby showers, etc, and never once showed any upset. Now it’s finally my turn and it’s been discovered that things are going well, I’ve had no ‘congratulations’ from any of them.

They are not friends. And it depends on your personality, but for me this would be the time to start, with no fuss or announcements, to slowly withdraw from the group. They are behaving like cunts here. Absolute fuckers.

If any of them contact you and ask why you're quiet - tell them what you told us in the bold part. Then just leave it. I'm sorry that what should be a happy time for you is bringing out the arsehole behaviour of a bunch of twats.

Bananasandtoast · 04/02/2024 12:58

This is such a sad thread. I'm so sorry this horrible mean girls gang are casting such a shadow over your pregnancy, OP.
My DS2 was stillborn and we had so much support from family and friends, so many people were genuinely so gutted for us.
When we realised that our family and friends were going out of their way to hide births and new pregnancies from us in the few months after DS was born, we made it known that their happiness should be shared with us, just as our grief was shared with them. That's what it is to truly care about a person IMHO.
Other people's babies have no bearing on what happened to our DS, and there is nothing which could now add to our pain. Especially not the joy of the people we care about most.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 12:42

I stand by my pp that these 'friends' are shits. This planned boozy brunch sounds calculated to either shut you out, or provoke a reaction that they can innocently use to make out you're the unreasonable mean one!

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 12:30

Fuck that's a bit brutal about the lunch.

Morecatsarebetter · 04/02/2024 12:28

So one minute she was all right and the next minute she’s not? Hate to say this and I could be wide of the mark but I think she was secretly wondering if your pregnancy may not go to term and now that you’ve announced it to everyone it’s become a bit too “real” for her. Everyone now knows and she’s feeling a lot of envy. That’s how I see it xx

CrappySack · 04/02/2024 12:16

NC2409 · 04/02/2024 11:45

My friends were all told I was pregnant before the NHS scan. I had messages in the group chat which we’re all in to wish me good luck before the NHS scan. I replied saying thank you.
After the scan, I didn’t want to make the group chat about pregnancy, so I messaged my friends individually to say it went well but none of them have replied.
I explained to them that I thought our other friend wouldn’t mind because of how supportive she’s been and because of how much she’s encouraged me to talk about it (which they’re all witnesses to). Again, none of them have replied.

They’ve now organised a boozy brunch for next weekend in the group chat and have said there’s no alcohol free options for me to be able to attend. These plans have been discussed in the group chat this morning, though were not initiated by my best friend. This is how I know everyone has seen my messages but just haven’t replied.

I just feel a bit isolated because I’ve always congratulated them, attended their baby showers, etc, and never once showed any upset. Now it’s finally my turn and it’s been discovered that things are going well, I’ve had no ‘congratulations’ from any of them.

I’m just a bit baffled by the sudden U-turn of everyone being supportive and wanting me to share, to suddenly acting like it isn’t happening

Show quote history

I'm sorry your friends are so shit.

I've never heard of anywhere that doesn't have any alcohol free options. I'm 100% sure the venue would have water plus lemonade & coke etc as mixers.

I know it's hard to lose friends, but they are not good friends OP.

I would leave the group chat and let the friendships slide. Nothing is to be gained by having such spiteful friends.

pictoosh · 04/02/2024 12:08

In my experience social groups do not side with who they agree with or like the most but who offers them the most in terms of social status.

Good friends do not come in a handy multi-pack.

pictoosh · 04/02/2024 11:57

Poor you. Looks like you've been scapegoated by 'friend' and the others have elected to protect their own standing in the group and side with her.
She has used this emotive subject to justify bullying you out.

It may come as a surprise to people but not everyone who has miscarried is nice or decent. It's not an excuse.