Spends all his time with parent

Sorry to be so blunt OP, but your marriage is over!!

Let that sink in for a moment!

Even if you were to persuade him to spend more time with you and your children, he would make it obvious that he resented it. Then, when MIL dies, she will become a saint! Believe me, I've experienced this, you will be in trouble any time you reference her in passing, because in his eyes she cannot and will never have done anything wrong.

My advice, go to a solicitor and start the ball rolling for a divorce. Quite honestly, I wouldn't even bother telling him, until he gets the papers, as he's clearly so wrapped up in his lovely life with his Mother, that he'll just tell you you're being ridiculous if you tell him you want a divorce. Whereas when he's suddenly got paperwork in his hands telling him that this is going to happen, while it may just wake him up to what he's throwing away, even if he promises to change things, he won't. It's been going on for too long, and you've allowed it, so even at that point, don't be tempted to cancel the divorce, you'll only be wasting more time.

Just get on with it, and set yourself and your children free. He might actually give them more attention if the time he is allowed to see them is limited.

I'm sorry if this sounds cruel, but believe me, my intentions are to help you see clearly where your life is going, if you continue to let him carry on in this way.

OP, clearly this isn't going to work long term, and you are right to be planning a future for yourself and the DC.
Please make sure you plan the financial side properly. If the house you live in belongs to his mother, then presumably you ( and DH) haven't been paying rent or mortgage, so there should be not just your own small savings, but a big pot. If that is not in joint names, find out where it is. Check DH's pension arrangements- you'll be entitled to a share of that. Think about how you can increase your earnings if needs be, now would be the time to enrol in evening classes to get extra qualifications if required.
You've put up with this for a long time; you don't have to rush your exit from this sham of a marriage.

I’d tell him that he may feel that he’s excelling as a son but he’s completely failing as a both husband and father. Seeing each other every single Friday night is what a couple would do, not a 40-something man and his mum. Visiting her every single day in his free time does indicate that he just wants to be absent from his family responsibilities. You’re not at all selfish, OP.

I hope to come back and update you soon that the children and I have moved out and we’re embarking on our own happiness journey

I hope so too, OP, and I wish you only the best with it

I still wonder, however, if you're in for some unpleasant surprises along the way, but that hardly matters as long as you shift the priority to yourself for a change

I'm cheering you on, OP. And my best friend is devoted to looking after his mother, but she is 92 and he is single.

Just wierd and totally unacceptable. Are you sure it's his DM he is spending so much time with?
Sorry... suspicious mind

I hope to come back and update you soon that the children and I have moved out and we’re embarking on our own happiness journey

OP I really hope so, he's done a real number on you. He's succeeded in making you doubt yourself, believe you're selfish, and that your role is to keep everything running smoothly so that he can spend all his time with his mum. As a result he's chipped away at the real you - this isn't who you really are.

Leave him and rediscover your own purpose. Put your children first, because at the mo by in effect defending him (which comes under the heading of defending the indefensible) you are putting him above them. Their concerns and observations are justified and you need to show them a strong response.

There is a saying 'no-one can make you feel bad without your permission'. Take away his permission and control and be strong. Your life will be so much better.

But I would leave. Then I could do whatever I wanted to with my kids and you will feel so free to not have him in your life anymore and to not try and include him. He doesn’t want to be included. Just let him go and you can all live life again, without him.

Take the kids to the beach for a weekend. Take them in days out. Tell him you can remember you’re a dad and come, or you can fuck off like you always do. We don’t count on you anymore, you are never here for us anyway.
stop defending him to the kids. Be honest in a parent way. Say I understand and you should tell him how you feel. and when you are grown up and have kids, don’t ever just walk away like thsi. Don’t do it for me and don’t do it for him, most people don’t dump their kids for their parents because I’m afraid it’s not good parenting

Get some legal advice @WhyWhyY before you do anything else. Just because his parents own the house it doesn't mean you have no financial rights. I bet this was set up to keep you financially uncertain and under control.

It's hard OP and I suspect you have spent a lot of time being told that it's normal. Inam interested in your dc here. Inhave tweens and in many ways its the busiest time of parenting. Less onerous, less full on, but there's a lot of.acrivities and driving them around and it often takes effort. Where is he for all this if hrs usually with his mother?

What about other "home" chores like cooking, cleaning etc?

Because he seems to have checked out.

And frankly, the fact that the house is in his mums name is actually really disturbing. Have you been able to.save money as a couple seeing as you haven't had to pay rent or mortgage? Or somehow is it going to be that when you get divorced there is no cash, no assets?!

A million times over, this!!! I don't know why people are saying he's a good son, he's not, he's acting like her partner which is unhealthy and enmeshed and completely boak. She has friends and an active social life, and HE is latching on it all and living the life of a single, childless man. While his wife and dc are at home feeling unloved and neglected.

It's a lose-lose situation for you. If you ask him to spend less time with her when she inevitably dies be may blame you for how he's feeling. Do your own thing more. He may think you are being unreasonable trying to change the (ridiculous) status quo. I would probably just leave tbh.

You really have to leave. There’s nothing left. He’s given it all to her.

What sort of father is he? is he remotely interested in his children?
How much does he do around the house/childcare/general domestic responsibility stuff?

I’m guessing none.

So you’re already a single parent with no sex life, all you’ll lose is the house his parents own. You need to leave.

He’s a much better husband to his mother than he is to you. 🤢

Could you speak to him about it from the perspective of the child. He obviously loves his mum a lot and wants to look after her now she is older. Why? How was she a good mum when he was younger to build such a strong relationship?
Then relate it to how he is with his children. Does he put the time and effort in to his own family like his mum did years back? How will his children feel about him when they are grown up and he is older? And is that what he wants?!

@WhyWhyY please validate your children's feelings, otherwise they will learn to always doubt their own judgement. like the poster says here, don't gaslight your children, their feelings are valid, just empathise and sympathise. and work out how to leave this godawful man.

I don't know any women who see their mums everyday, unless it's childcare/elderly care related. and if a woman was doing this by checking out of her own family life and neglecting her dh and dc, that wouldn't make it right. It's an unhealthy and enmenshed and incestuous relationship, man or woman.

Does he not realise he'll be a very lonely old man. He's lost his relationship with you and will never have the relationship he has with his mum, with his own kids, as he never prioritises them or invests in that relationship.
I also wouldn't gaslight the children, even if it's just saying you understand how they feel and you feel like that too sometimes, so it's about tgeir feelings and not 'bad mouthing' their dads actions.

I vote soft launch of a life that is about you and the children. Start with Friday plans. Move on to weekend plans. Then book a holiday. Slowly begin to claim back your life and when you’re ready you can tell him you’re living separate lives and it’s time he left to live with his mum.

This man is depriving you of companionship and a fully present husband, and your children of a father who's involved in their lives. He has fully checked out of the marriage and your joint children's lives. He laughs at you for saying you are lonely. This must be abusive behaviour surely? It definitely is neglect

Honesty there's no coming back from 4 years of this op. Leave this marriage before it breaks you completely.

I’m told I can’t control him or tell him what he can or cannot do

You can tell him to fuck off and live with. Mum

You can serve divorce papers on him

You can do all sorts of things.....maybe he needs to stop being a bad husband and wise up

Wanker

This is a complete mn cliche however....Next Friday and Saturday night book a hotel just for you (obviously if you can afford it, maybe take the money out of his holiday budget since you haven't had one for a while).
Inform your husband you will be going * *and he needs to look after his children.

I suspect he will pull out all the stops to try and stop you from going but you need to put your foot down for once.
It goes without saying that he is a useless husband and father but you have let him have his own way for so long he probably thinks he's onto a complete winner! Take some power back for yourself, he won't just hand it to you.