Useless at looking after my children on my own

When my DH travels, which is relatively frequently, the kids and I eat out quite a bit. I find this really helpful in terms of novelty and spending quality time together. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive (sometimes it’s Ikea meatballs, sometimes McD, and other times a bit more upmarket), the point being that it changes the dynamic.

we also have lots of really easy go to midweek meals that are either batch cooked, or quick, such as spag Bol, curries, or egg fried rice, griddled chicken fajitas, dhal, or things that go in the air fryer.

you mention a child who you feel has become over reliant on processed food and is vegetarian. It’s interesting that you feel that’s not your choice (is it your DH’s?) - I’d worry about protein intake, I worry about it with my own kids and I know that would be hard for them to achieve on a meat free diet. If this is a child led choice I would question it as at 4 and 7 whilst I agree they can have views on animal welfare they can’t make informed views about nutrition and what a balanced diet for them looks like. I have one child who may very well become vegetarian as an adult but another who couldn’t easily as he currently doesn’t eat enough of a range of high protein foods that don’t contain meat.

I agree with other posters that your day sounds really long, and I’d be interested in what’s driving your long commute full stop as that just wouldn’t work for me. And it kind of depends on your husbands travel profile - 3 weeks is a long time, anything over a week I find tough, and if 3 weeks were going to be regular I would really need to consider some long term changes.

I felt the same that I couldn’t manage looking after my dc on my own (both are autistic) I then had a total breakdown and dh had to give up work . Things are so much better now and I no longer feel like I’m failing the dc . I know it’s different to your situation but I really understand the feeling of just believing you are failing others it’s so upsetting

Whilst DH is away I’d be doing no cooking in the evening, batch cook a cottage pie/curry etc on the weekend and just reheat during the week, Friday night have a takeaway.

Kids really need more sleep if they are getting up around 6 they should be asleep by 8. Let them read in bed/listen to audiobooks (alone) whilst they adjust to an earlier bed time. Take an hour in the evening (8-9) to yourself (no chores) just chill have a bath, do a sleep meditation, warm drink, you’ll feel so much less burnt out.

When DH is away can you arrange a paid baby sitter/family member to have the kids for 1/2 day on the weekend so you can have a full break - again don’t fill it with chores!

Before you move (😂) this may help. When the children were young I used to spend a little time cooking at the weekend with them. I did 4 evening meals in 4 pots. (eg Lentils and sausage, stew, lemon chicken with barley, bean and kale stew etc). They loved measuring, chopping etc.

This is the good bit - I put each pot in the freezer. In the mornings, the pot goes on the aga, it defrosts over the course of the day, I come home, heat it up and have zero faff. Absolutely zero.

It was transformative for our weeknights.

Op that sounds brutal. I’ve had time when DH is away and I find it hard, and our routine is nothing like as challenging as yours.

Presumably the kids coming with you is the same whether DH is there or not. So what is his part in your household routine? I assume he deals with the dogs and does he normally cook and clean? Of course I assume he shares the bedtime routine which makes a huge difference.

I echo what everyone else says, make life easy for yourself. A mix of easy oven ready dinners and batch cooked meals. Making shepherds pie and homemade soup on a weekday you’re alone is madness. Make double on a weekend or when DH is home and then have a load of meals in the freezer for when you’re by yourself.

Good luck

Spending 2.5 hours after work doing the dinner and getting some clothes out seems a lot.
Time to have a week of "kiddy teas". The "bung it in the oven, beige and carby" variety. The kids will love it, and you'll claim some time back.

Also, leaving the house at 6:45! Blimey. I'm a primary school teacher as well, and my alarm doesn't even go off until 6:30!

Thank you for clarifying and I'm glad the dogs usually have DH for company during the day! Sounds like you just have to tough it out until he gets back. Countdown calendar is a good suggestion, and if time difference doesn't allow DH to read a bedtime story maybe he can record himself reading some of their favourites (he can download kindle versions on his phone to read and the DC can follow along in their own copy). As for dinner I'd make a big batch of pasta sauce at the weekend, and a big batch of soup, and leave everything set up for dinner when you leave in the morning so that you can feed the DC 15 minutes after you get in. Table laid, frozen sauce/soup defrosting in pan on hob, etc. Hopefully that will help you bring bedtime forward.

You’re getting some quite, um, strong responses here OP. I think you’re finding it hard just because it’s hard. My day looks similar to yours when DH is away - except for getting up an hour later in the morning and the kids in bed half an hour earlier at night…and my DH only works away a few days at a time. And I still find it exhausting! So it seems normal to me that you’re tired and cross when you’re doing 90 mins more a day than me for several weeks.

All I can suggest is batch cooking pasta sauces etc and a night or two each week of omelette or beans on toast. And making sure you have time to decompress when your DH is back.

A gate in the garden sounds like the first place to start. That way the dogs can roam freely yet securely. Surely in the summer they like to potter about, lie in sun/shade and generally do what dogs do without being stood and watched the whole time?

@HiddenPies
She needs to move house and kill the dogs? WTAF 😂

I can understand not wanting to downgrade the family food when it's been a fight to get it to here, and can see why your timings can't change. So maybe rather than looking at the whole thing you could target bits of it. One of the big things seems to be how long dinner takes.

For next week could you cook some things up at the weekend for the week ahead (maybe the kids could help - could be fun) ?

Soup would do well batch cooked, pasta sauce, veggie chilli, veggie curry etc.

Then the odd "quick night" could be omelettes or something like that that's still freshly cooked and not processed but would cook up really quickly? Serve with beans and/or toast for carbs, or some new potatoes would cook in 20 mins?

Or a fried rice/biryani style thing where the rice is cooked the day before whilst you're making that dinner, then the whole thing could be thrown together in less than 20 mins. Throw in any veg you fancy then paneer/tofu/beans for protein.

Is your DH able to call home? I wonder if your 4 yr old might benefit from him reading her a bedtime story over zoom/WhatsApp if that's possible? Or if timings don't work he could record himself doing it for her to watch later.

Most importantly don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can in a trying set of circumstances. Try to have some fun together at the weekend and set yourselves up as best you can for the week ahead.

She said upthread she needs to stand with the dogs because their garden isn't secure and they'll escape.

Do you need to stand with the dogs? That's 5 mins you could put lunch together. Make sure kids are returning stuff to bags when used....like reading book and logs.

Get the kids to pack the bags and do lunch with you. They can help get breakfast out the night before while you wash up or prep tomorrows food....batch cook.

My DSIL is a headteacher and has had to commute for over an hour with DN since she was a baby. DN is used to it and it doesn't phase her.

There isn't a lot you can do while DH is away but k strongly recommend meal prepping. I spend a day a month meal prepping with DH. We make meals for the freezer and in between. We put the meals in foil takeaway type containers. Stick them in the fridge the day before to defrost then its oven to table in 20 minutes. When we haven't prepared we defrost for 30 minute at room temp then either oven bake or tip out and microwave depending on the time we have.

I agree that most of the problems aren't temporary. Your DH being away has highlighted the non temporary stuff that you're tolerating all the time (and your kids).

People aren’t trying to spite you OP, they’re concerned for your children who sound exhausted, in particular the 4year old.

Sleep isn’t a ‘nice to have’ it’s an essential for growth, emotional regulation and memory. From what you’ve mentioned - a reliance on quick processed food (although I appreciate you’ve tried to combat this), kids falling asleep in the car, teary fractious behaviour, a 6.30am alarm call - it’s clear your routine is just too much for them and is affecting their health and behaviour.

Sometimes it takes other people pointing out a routine that seems normal, isn’t normal and needs changing like when my mother in law phoned to ask why the hell I was spending 2 hours getting DS to sleep every night and no wonder I was shattered.

There’s clearly some odd factors at play here which you’re unwilling to discuss, but I would have a long hard think about your quality of life and whether it’s fair to inflict this routine on your kids for the sake of your career/rural living/private education/whatever else.

Do you live out in the sticks in the Highlands or something like that?

I think OP probs should make some changes long term in relation to the children’s bedtimes, but I think she’s had a bit of a hard time here as I don’t know if people have grasped that this is a temporary situation.

Except most of it isn't temporary OP's children attend the school she works at, so they have that commute and that long day all the time. The only temporary bit is the dogs are now alone all day as her DH normally works from home - which is why people suggested kennels until he gets back.

That sounds HARD. Sometimes just getting through each day is all we can hope for.

I think you’re doing brilliantly juggling all that 🍷

Would it help to hear that within the parameters of reality I don’t think there are particularly any changes you can make other than the food tweaks, and it sounds like you’re doing brilliantly? And you’ve just got to get on and do it, which you are, so just keep buggering on?

Definitely look at the food
If you do a mix of
Batch cook
Easy food - stuff like frozen mash, frozen veg etc and more assembling than cooking
A picnic tea - veg sticks, pitta, hummus, fruit, anything cut up. Call it a grazing board

Unless he’s planning to become a hermit (it sounds like they’re in the right location) presumably he will travel again/need to tend to family/get sick/abandon them at some point.