For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

How many hours overtime is he actually working each week?

There are 4 options imo:

• Find a higher paid job, he does more around the house

*Find a higher paid job, the difference pays for a dog walker, cleaner, ironing service etc

*Cut back on outgoings, like a less expensive wedding and keep the current job

• Ditch the bf, keep the job, adjust living standards accordingly

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).
You’re doing all this graft for free, benefiting you both. He does his graft for money, some of which benefits you both (house reno – though are contributions ringfenced with a declaration of trust? – wedding), but some benefits solely him, eg pension contribution, future earning potential. Nice setup – for him. What does he bring to the party aside from domestic laziness and bossing you about your career choices?

Well, I know you don’t have a Time Machine about the work done on the house - but was that really essential?

I think the answer here is that he stops doing so much overtime, then you both agree to a lower cost wedding, and don’t get into debt for non-essential home improvements - if that’s what they were.

I think I’d resent working overtime to pay for joint costs, in a way that I wouldn’t resent paying more from having a higher basic salary.

I wouldn’t marry any time soon. Not because I think he’s in the wrong (I don’t know) but because no matter who is right, wrong - or just different opinions - this is a big deal, having such different feelings about finances. You need to work that out (if you can) before you marry, because it will only get worse.

The last paragraph sounds like he has done a number on you already - 'if it makes any difference' - how is there any argument that it doesn't make a difference? Total contribution matters - if he can't see anything other than the financial you have bigger problems than just this argument

This. He wants a housemaid AND an earner, guess what he'll want if you have kids - you to do all that too.

Red flags here op. Marry him if you must (I wouldn’t), but don’t have kids with him, I beg you. His attitude to money/splitting bills/housework/and no doubt child care, will get worse not better… Sorry.

Your partner is feeling the strain working all the overtime.
Is there a middle ground where you could reduce outgoings? Smaller wedding, spread debt repayments out more

He wants you to be unhappy because it’s not fair he earns more?

Do not marry this man.

He has no awareness, let alone appreciation, of ALL. the domestic load you carry? Whereas you do appreciate the overtime he works?

Do not marry this man.

This will be an unhappy and unequal marriage.

Unless he's willing to do half of all the other jobs you do, tell him that if you change your job, you'll need to employ a cleaner, a dog walker, send the washing to a laundry and buy more ready meals / takeaways.

Here are a couple of options for him to consider:

1. Everyone remains where they are and you have a small wedding at the town hall.
2. You pick up more overtime, he drops some hours and takes on 100% of household chores (then you can see what he thinks about fairness and equality)

I wouldn't marry this bloke, personally.

Your job ticks so much boxes and that is very hard to find. Your salary is OK. I would be looking for a new boyfriend not a new job. Everything doesn't have to be exactly financially equal. Can you actually get a much better paid job ? Like if you are an accountant then possibly but more generic admin ? Possibly not with all those benefits

Being happy is worth so much more than the money. So much. I’ve recently changed jobs and just hate it. Feel sick waking up, feel sick going to bed. Fucking awful. Stay there forever on 30k if you’re happy. Especially if you’re thinking of starting a family. You’ll want a supportive company and colleagues if you’re off on Mat leave and intend to go part-time one day.

In general I’d say his attitude stinks except, it sounds like you are happily spending more than you’re prepared to contribute. And that isn’t reasonable either. If your DH needs to be doing this overtime in order for you two to have the lifestyle you currently do - and you haven’t been saying “No, lets spend less and have more time together” - then I think he has a point, though I don’t necessarily think the solution is for you to get a new job.

Yer man needs to give himself a shake. 5 of us in this house and the gross income is about £63k. We manage.

Surprise surprise

You do all the drudgery

Red flags everywhere here- I hope that you aren’t planning kids because you’ll be working less during pregnancy and the early months of your baby’s life. Do you see yourself returning to full time work asap?

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

Has he made a peep about sharing this equally if you get a different job? Also, I am older and have worked my fair share of employment in different sectors and wildly different salaries. A lower paying job in an environment you love is worth the loss of income almost all the time. Maybe not if you had children and they needed more, but if it's just you and him, stick with the job and find ways to lower your expenses.

Does he give a reason why £70k isn't enought for 2 people without children? But if its genuinely not enough then it's unfair that the burden is on him yes.

So he earns 10-20k more than you - so about a grand a month more take-home ish max, but does nothing in the house..

How do you feel about kids? A flexible, friendly job, which you've been at long enough to have rights, is absolutely golden should you decide to have them.

TBH, it's golden even if you decide you don't!

I know people are talking about lists, but my feeling is that if you have to justify this by selling the advantages/pointing out how much you do to support the rest of your lifestyle, then it might not be worth it - if he appreciated that work, or wanted to listen, he'd have heard when you spoke about how much you enjoy what you do, and thought about how important that is.

I would think long and hard before you changed jobs. I am assuming you will want children, what will happen if you have a more demanding job, plus 100% home responsibilities, 100% child responsibilities too? If you can't make it on what you're earning now another 10k isn't going to make a whopping difference to your circumstances to cover things now and childcare too. Look after yourself because it doesn't sound like he is interested in you but more himself....ie you work more so I can work less.

Regardless of working hours or who earns more, he should be doing his share of the housework. He can do everyday jobs like cooking, washing up, laundry, wiping surfaces, and running the hoover round. Just like he would if he lived alone.

My Advice: Stay in your current job for as long as you are enjoying, £30k is significantly more than most of us normal people earn, and to be in a job you enjoy is gold-dust in itself. Even if your DP ‘only’ earned the sane as you, your joint £60k is more than enough to lead a very comfortable and happy life. If your DP loves you they will want you to stay in your current job. And if not …….

When he's committed to and actually shown he will do 50% of the housework, maybe you can talk about it again.

Red flags all over this OP. I’d be giving the wedding a rethink.

He earns 10k more than you. And is behaving like an entitled arsehole.

How about he looks at it as a team. He needs to do housework too. What’s special about his job and ( voluntary) overtime that he can’t do housework.