For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

Why do you want to marry this sexist twat?

80k a year, no kids and struggling for money? That sounds crazy

Tell him you'll look gor a better job when he takes on his fair share of the housework, not before. In my opinion enjoying your work us much more important than how much you earn. Who wants to be well off and unhappy.

You've not only got a well paying job, it's a job you love.
They're hard to come by, and happiness is just as important.
You'd be mad imo to give that up.

having aligned values with regards to money/work/finances is one of the most important things for a happy marriage.

he sounds very money driven and transactional.

I would maybe do a marriage course and work all these things through before you marry him.

A job you enjoy along with the flexibility and good holiday is worth its weight in gold. I wouldn’t give that up, but instead cut down spending where possible. You two make a lot between you.
Have you two discussed children and how finances will work if you have them?

You have a combined income of around £80k and your husband thinks you should earn more 😂

Your husband (and potentially you too) needs to get in the real world.

Don't leave your job, it's incredibly hard to find a job you love.

Maybe cut down on spending instead.

Add up how much you’d spend on cleaner, dog Walker etc and see how much he values what you do then.

You were really unhappy in your previous job but all he sees is you earn less. Be careful, seriously, he cares more for money than your happiness and he lets you be the household dogsbody because unpaid work doesn't count for him. I don't like the sound of him, please have a long hard think about marrying him, a man who only values money will make your life a misery if you're ever long term sick or on maternity leave.

Keep your job. It looks to me like this attitude is a glimpse into some behaviours of your DP that you have either missed or ignored.

The fact that you are doing all the wife work is really a big problem. He's absolved himself of doing anything around the house now before marriage and kids he is not going to change. This is how he is when life is relatively uncomplicated and easy. So when the going gets tough, you'll be on your own, doing everything for kids and around the house while he himself behind work.

Seriously it is time to hit the pause button on this relationship. He has manoeuvred you (or you have moved yourself) into the position of being his domestic support person with no allowance or acknowledgement of this with regards expectations regarding work outside the home.

Absolutely this.

you are happy in your work.

it does not appear you are happy with his opinions and actions … so please, do not have his kids…RUN!

He values money first and foremost, which is understandable if you are saving up. You value the enjoyment you get from your workplace more than money which is again totally understandable.

When I was in my 20s I did anything to earn more money. Worked all the hours under the sun, did crap jobs etc. Now I am older I value time more than money.

There is no right or wrong here. It seems you two have different values. Whether you can reconcile those different values is between the two of you.

Be very very careful about marrying him. My first marriage started out a bit like that, him moaning about my job and trying to make me to quit. It's controlling. And it shows he does not respect you, value your contribution or your happiness. Keep an eye on those red flags, delay the wedding.

For the record, I now earn 3 times my current DH's salary. He loves his job, it's a passion, a reliable and decent salary, and I have never ever asked him to move jobs for more money. It would be different if he were lazy or something but not everyone wants boring long hours corporate jobs just to have nicer car and holidays. And that's normal.

The only way he'd have an argument here over the job/money thing, is if your spending choices are at £40-£50k type wage and you're essentially spending the money he earns working overtime.

But if you spend your £30k and he spends his £50k then he can fuck off cant he.

Also - why on Earth do you do all he cleaning op? Is it a discussion you've had that he does eg 10 hours OT and in return you do 10 hoots cleaning? If so, kind of fair. But, if you would be doing all the cleaning regardless, well he can fuck off cant he.

It's possibly quite a good thing you've posted on MN before getting married and having dc op. My spider senses are that he's a wrong un.

No way, he is being totally unreasonable OP! If he wants to do the overtime then let him crack on, but he should no way be trying to force you to leave a job you love! Stand your ground!

Do you feel happy being in a relationship where your partner thinks you should do all the domestic work? And where he values a few hundred pounds a month more than your happiness?

I would run. You have time to meet someone generous and caring. If you settle with him, I can feel you'll regret it.

Bonkers, isn't it?

In your position, I would be rethinking marrying and having children with this man.

My husband earns double what I do. At the beginning of our careers, I earned more but once he passed his exams and started being promoted he quickly out earned me. Everything has always been equal, regardless of who was earning more. I have always had the more flexible job and DH recognises that whilst I have the lower wage, the flexibility of my job is invaluable. I’m usually the one to leave early if needed, the one to take a half day at short notice, the one to be around for the plumber or to take the dog to the vets. Obviously two people with inflexible jobs can cope but it’s harder.

If you are hoping to have kids, then flexibility is great. However, I think that flexibility will come back to bite you if you have kids because you will be the one always taking leave when they’re sick or have a school play. You will be the default parent and you’ll be doing all the housework and all childcare. Increasing your earning potential might be the only way to balance things between you but I’d be wary of getting a better paid job, more responsibility, less flexibility and still doing all the housework.

I would not let him hound me to leave a job I loved no matter how hard he tried.

I'm afraid this would draw a big, fat "bugger off" from me. If he continued to push it I'd also reconsider the idea of marrying him.

I don't think yabu to not want to leave your job that you're happy in. Youre not on a bad wage and it is important to be happy at work.
That said in your DPs situation I would rather do more of the jobs around the house and less overtime. How many hours does your dp work? Was he more involved with sharing responsibility before he was doing so much overtime.
How long is he out of the house for ?
Go you think he is being lazy or genuinely hasn't got time to do much more because of the overtime

Totally this. It'll be 'AIBU to expect my DH to hold our baby once in awhile as I haven't stopped since giving birth. He says the baby and all household chores are my responsibility as he earns more. He needs to be well rested for his Very Important Job whilst I haven't had more than 3 hours straight sleep in months'.

Seriously though, I have a feeling you both need to budget better to live within your means instead of making yourselves unhappy trying to earn more and more money.

Please do not have children with this man.
You will end up doing all the thankless drudge work, all the childcare, carrying all the mental load while he complains about how tired he is from his big-important-man-job and expects you to justify every penny you spend while you're on maternity leave.

I would be willing to bet that even if you cave and leave the job that you love (please don't do this!) for one that pays more, therefore taking on more responsibility and longer hours, he will still expect you to do the lions share at home.

I agree with this.

I've mixed feelings on this one.

It's difficult being in a relationship when you appear to be the one putting in all the financial effort.

Does he love his job and doing overtime and enjoy all of the same benefits as you- super flexible, good annual leave, super nice colleagues and no pressure and toxicity?

I suspect not but his desire to reduce the debt and built the savings outweigh his selectiveness levels. very few people have jobs that they are 100% happy with and most have to compromise in some way.

If you can't increase your income, is there way you can reduce your costs?

Have you had the conversation about how finances will be married when you have children?