For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

Whereas being in a relationship where you are the one putting in all the domestic effort is so easy.

Either both change or neither do. In a partnership it shouldn't matter who earns what but that both get equal benefit financially and domestically/leisure wise.

If children are involved both parents also need to be able to do all the child related jobs, even if day to day they are split unevenly.

OP, a job you love is very important. Don't leave it but look for ways to reduce your spending so your DP does less overtime. My DH left a job last year which was becoming toxic and found another where he was earning £10k less. I supported him because it was important for his mental health. I earn £20k a year more than him. Do I resent him? No, I'm grateful we're both earning and I have a decent job. Between us we earn less than you and your DP and we have three kids to support.

You need review the household chores - if he doesn't pull his weight now, you've got no hope if you have kids together.

He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

It is a big assumption you will enjoy a new job less, and if this is your main reason I can see why he is frustrated if he is bearing the main financial burden.

Of course if your hours changed he would need to do more at home to share that burden more.

He is not happy, while you are happy where you work and not willing to change to support your finances. That isnt fair. So if the solution is not you doing something different to make more money, then you need to review and compromise on your joint out goings instead so he doesn't have to work the overtime.

It doesn’t hurt to have a look around at what roles like your garner elsewhere and then potentially open up discussions around that with your current employer if you are a valued member of the team.

Alternatively, tell him not to do the overtime, he can then pick up some of the home tasks and you can be more ‘equal’ and reassess your spending and whether a wedding/house improvements are necessary and prioritise accordingly as to what is needed in the here and now.

In our home I earn more than my DH and he works 3 nights a week on top of his usual job to make up the difference, similar situation and monetary situation to you guys. I therefore pick up a bit more domestic work on those evenings, not that there is much, a bit of washing/cooking/bit of tidying and I fit in my hobbies, but we both clean the house together on the weekends and he will cook nights he doesn’t work late, etc.

I feel a bit sorry for my DH in some ways as he has less time for hobbies than I do, but does sometimes manage to fit something in on the w/e we don’t have his son with us. But I certainly don’t put any pressure on him to earn equal, it’s just what he does and he enjoys his evening work a bit more than his day work which is probs why he doesn’t mind doing it TBF.

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week)

Quelle se fucking pris.

Why is he doing so much overtime? Are the living costs that high?

Just to add, my personal experience is that men do not seem to enjoy their jobs in the same way women do (or they get enjoyment from different elements of a job than women do. If you love your job and talk about how nice it is, men seem to get jealous if they don't feel the same about their job and find a bunch of random reasons why you should change job. Could your DP be slightly jealous that you have such a happy work life?

Don't leave a lovely job if you can afford to pay half of everything on what you currently earn. I'd rather cut back on spending than risk leaving a truly wonderful workplace. And £30k is not bad money.

I changed jobs (leaving a workplace I loved) following some pressure from DH (for reasons different to yours) and I absolutely hated it for a long time! It was a very similar role in another organisation so it should have been ok. But the new place was a mess, everything was so disorganised and I felt like I was losing the plot.
It's been 3 years and the job has improved, so you could say it all worked out in the end. But it did lead to some resentment that I still harbour. I feel slightly scarred by the brutal beginning to my job. I'm not great at forgetting!

I also once sold a beloved car (my favourite car ever) because my DP at the time (now ex) didn't like it and was always making comments. I find it hard to reconcile my thoughts with my actions, because I think and feel very 'strong independent woman' and then I do stupid things that are the total opposite to that.

Also, you earning 10k less doesn’t mean you have to somehow repay that to him by doing the equivalent in hours of cleaning. You both work full time. He works longer hours, yes, but you should split the chores 40:50 to reflect that, not 100:0. He’s a CF with what really comes across as disdain for your trivial little job, simply because it pays less than his. £10k after tax will not make it worth you leaving your job for one you like less. Is he mad?! Why would he want you to be less happy?

I guess part of the question is do you need more money? If you got a better paid job would he ditch the overtime or carry on with it to help you get to where you want to be financially faster? If that is the case could you take a second job for a while? I’m not saying that is what you should do but if things are actually tight that would be a way of bringing more cash in while still keeping the job you love. Give him some of the household stuff to do though if you did take this route!

Before leaving a job that I loved, I’d be drawing up a list of ways to cut expenses so that he can reduce his overtime. He’s clearly resentful but it shouldn’t mean you have to spend your working life miserable just so he feels ‘even’. Remind him that you’re both in this situation largely because you chose to get home improvements and that £70k for a couple without children is not paltry.

I see too many threads on here from women who have chosen (often with a lot of encouragement/pressure from their partner) to take on a greater share of the domestic drudgery in exchange for the ‘luxury’ of not having to work as many hours in paid employment. Long term this puts you on the back foot and exposes you to being stuck in a marriage you can’t afford to leave. Half a house and a promise of pension is all well and good but you still need to pay the bills.
I know this sounds very pessimistic and there are a lot of assumptions in there, but before you choose to ‘allow’ him to be the breadwinner just make sure you’ve got your future self protected.
Cover Your Ass.

£30k in a job you love and makes you happy is worth more than £40k in a job you might hate. Your partner should recognise this and support you in the decision to stay. He can do less overtime and help a bit more around the house - you'd still be on a very comfortable income for two people even if he earned a bit less.

Please ask yourself if he is the right person for you to marry.

having aligned values with regards to money/work/finances is one of the most important things for a happy marriage.

This although add domestic work to that. It doesn't even matter who is wrong, it's a recipe for disaster. He values money above all else and he is telling you this. Listen carefully because people DO NOT CHANGE.

Stay in the job, it may last longer than the engagement.

Please don’t marry a man who does zero domestic work when you both have fulltime jobs, and who is already trying to bully you regarding your career choices.

When you are engaged your relationship is the absolute best it will ever be. After you get married the husband takes his wife for granted and, if you have children, you get to see each other at your worst.

And there is very little difference between a salary of £30k and a salery of £40k. He’s acting like he’s the breadwinner. He’s not. He’s just a bigheaded bully.

As to your job - what you have is rare, hold on to it. You can find another entitled bullying boyfriend in 5 minutes but it takes a very long time to find a job that you like.

But that's not fair if he is also doing lots of overtime. I don't think the fact someone earns more automatically means they get a housework pass. But if someone is working many more hours outside the house (and wants to stop) its not fair to say "you can't stop yet but you need to do more housework".
It makes sense to stop the overtime and then up the housework.

condescending much....

he or she could be a raging alcoholic degenerate with 110k worth of debt being paid off for all you know.. maybe they have big dreams and goals.... maybe they spend £500 a month on nursing home fees for the elderly parents...

Or maybe they spend £1200 a month on rent... who knows.

One thing is - naff all to do with you why 80k isn't enough to achieve their dreams and goals, the post was asking should OP move jobs

Suggest that for the next 6 months he does his share of ‘home work’ including the dog - then it can be reviewed.

Every time he drops the ball - remind him of this arrangement.

If he did stop the overtime though I would want him to do more housework with you. It could be a win-win for both of you at best or an early warning sign (if he still leaves it to you).

Nonsense, in my house I do most of the domestic work as my wife has a very tough job (I'm a man).

I "love it" how when a woman has an argument with her husband and they are asked to leave him!
We don't really know the full context to making this judgment. When I met my husband i was little money and he kept pushing me to earn more. His motivations was that he felt that i was under selling myself and that i could do better. It wasn't because he was trying to control me but that was my perspective of the situation and felt pressured by him

I'm now on 5 x the salary i was on when i met him nearly 20 years ago and I did it at my own pace. I might of been able to do this quicker but i made my own choices.

Her situation doesn't sound uncommon as i also did the majority of the housework/food shopping/cooking too as he's always earnt more than me. Even now as his wages have increased even faster than mine did.

I think we need to think about being in a relationship as a partnership and that doesn't mean everything being equal and split down the middle. There are no winners here. You both need to find a way to do your share. He's earning over £1000 a month more than you and perhaps he's feeling like all of the extra money and longer hours is going towards bills and he doesn't get to treat himself with that money and he sees the OP not contributing as much. Yes she might be picking up more of the housework but he's also working longer hours and paying more of the bills.

I would have an open conversation with him and perhaps some of the stuff that he is paying for could be put on hold or you could have a cheaper wedding so its not so much financial pressure on him. It's important to see both parties perspectives. I don't think you need to leave your job if you don't want to but i also don't think that he should have to foot all the bill because you can't afford it. This might mean that you tell him that you have to put certain things on hold or not be able to afford holidays etc...

The weddings the big one. If he stops doing overtime is it possible to just have a much smaller wedding. Would he be happy with that? Would you?

Between you, you earn a decent amount without the overtime. So it depends why you need that extra 10k to me. It wouldn't be fair to expect him to work overtime when you won't change jobs yourself if the money is going on holidays/home stuff etc that you want. If most of the money is going on things you would happily do without but that he thinks are essential is different. e.g. "my car is on its last legs" can mean very different things to different people. But I agree just demanding you move jobs is a bit much (would be different if you were part time on a really low paid job but you earn a decent amount). I would say the same if a woman was demanding her husband quit his well paid job he enjoys to do a better paid job he hates. Or pushing them to work overtime.

Unequal partners already..... it's not sounding good at all.

Having a job where you're happy, you're enjoying the work and the people aren't a given as rare as hens teeth so think about that very carefully.

He's focusing on the money, so at best I'd be looking at a smaller wedding or at worst not getting married at all and keeping a close eye on his behaviour.

The best and worst might be the other way round....

When you take tax out it's not £80k net! They are on £4.6k net a month. Sounds like they have a lot of outgoings though as doing work on their property and needing to buy a car that would easily eat into that but i do think it should be enough to live on as long as you don't have a huge mortgage for two people.