For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

Ask him to quit his job and find another better paid one so he doesn’t need to do overtime.

Even if you get a job earning more than he does with longer hours he will still expect YOU to do all the housework.
I would be thinking long and hard about whether you actually want to marry him.

is the type of job your bf does one that has no progression and making more relies on working overtime?

It would make sense for him to find a job with regular hours that pay more.

but then again it is common for men to put in long hours to avoid chores and family life.

Could you tot up how many hours of domestic work you do and work out the value of that based on your current hourly wage? I’d hazard guess your unpaid labour is enabling him to do so much overtime without everything else falling apart so it’s still of value to your household.

The more you earn, the more people want from you generally so if you took a £40k role you may find you can no longer carry that load alone. Would he step up and would that reduce his overtime leaving you no better off?

You need to have a frank conversation because it’s not as straight forward as he’s presenting it and he sounds oblivious to your full contribution.

£70K should be ample for a child free couple to live on unless you have huge debts or have overstretched yourself on the mortgage.

You need to sit down and look at all income and expenses, download the MSE budget planner and fill it in honestly.

Look at where you can cut back, so that he can reduce his overtime if he is unhappy. If you are both working equal hours, say 40 a week, then he will need to do his share of the housework. Two people working equal hours should be sharing the housework equally.

Also discuss what will happen if/when you have DC? How does he propose to survive financially once you have DC expenses, childcare etc, and potentially less income if one/both of you cut your hours to look after DC. What if you have less income? will he be happy to pool money as family money so that you both have enough?

I don't think you should be forced to change jobs, but I do think he should be able to work less hours.

If you changed jobs how much more do you think you would be able to earn, if it was only something like 5k I would hardly bother as you seem to like your current job so much

Is there a possibility of career progression in your current job and is there a possibility of a pay rise in the near future or have you already asked for one

"If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week)."
Shocked. I'm shocked, I tell ya!

So if, hypothetically, you were to change your job to one like his, doing overtime etc. - do you think he'd take over half of the domestic load? Answer yourself honestly, no need to write it here, but to yourself - imagine the scenario. What do you think he would do?

I'll tell you what I think he'd do. He'd bluster. Maybe do a bit of Strategic Incompetence (i.e. deliberately fuck up any tasks he does to force you back to doing it). He definitely wouldn't share the domestic load equally. If he were the type to share the load, this imbalance between the two of you would NEVER have arisen. It suits him for you to do grunt work, and for him to come home to all the domestic work done by anyone-but-him.

You two need to talk. NOT argue - talk. He needs to be clear on how HIS lifestyle would have to change if you were to take on a new job. I don't think he has considered the Big Picture here. In his eyes, only paid work contributes to the household. He's not considering the unpaid work necessary to keep a household afloat. Well - he doesn't do it, so he doesn't SEE it, so of course he's not considering it! Or, more importantly, he is not valuing it.

Bottom line, if he wants you to contribute the same financially as he does, he needs to step up and contribute the same domestically as you do. No ifs, no buts.

And you definitely need to bring the practicalities of having children into the conversation. Would he expect you to work full time, do all the domestic load, AND rear his children single-handed?

List all the domestic work you do including the number of hours it takes. Multiply that by at least the national living wage (or your hourly rate!) and add that to your annual salary. Then put that figure in front of him and tell him to wind his goddamned neck in.

I would start bossing him about on the subject of his job & see how he responds.

This does seem unfair to you at first look..but what would happen if he feels his workplace is toxic, he wants a change etc? If he decided unilaterally to take a job earning 30k like you what would you do? Would you as a couple be able to afford your current life? He doesn't value the work you do at home & that is a separate issue especially if you have children with him.

Also very interested to know if he did half of the housework and dog walking before he took on the overtime? Is it a new arrangement to compensate for his longer working hours? If so, then it’s fair.

Or is he a sexist twat who thinks you should do it all because he has a penis or because he earns more money, even though you both worked full-time? If so then RUN.

Do not leave the job you love.

If you need to earn more money to save up for the wedding, then you could pick up a Saturday job or maybe bar work a couple of evenings per week. But of course he will then need to agree to doing 50% of all housework and dog waking.

If he isn’t happy with the above then 🚩do not marry this man.

Yeah, he's not a keeper.

After you have kids, you'll be doing all the domestic drudgery and picking up the slack with child care, school pickups, late nights, etc. He won't appreciate that either because that's his nature.

Personally can't tolerate this type of man and feel very sad that some women do

I can see it from both sides- I totally get your reluctance to change jobs but also can see your dp’s annoyance if he’s having to do overtime to cover home improvements/wedding and can see a new car being required soon.
As others have said could you cut back on expenses so he doesn’t have to do so much overtime? Or could you pick up a 2nd job in the short term to increase your income? He’d need to pick up some of the housework though. I had a friend who worked a couple of shifts a week at McDonalds when she was saving for her wedding- she wanted her dream day.

You need to get on the same page with finances before you tie the knot and start planning a family as there’ll be greater financial pressures and childcare to navigate.

You do all the boring house shit? Ugh. His predicable.

How are men this shit still being produced?

Given that you do all the extra house stuff, dog walking admin etc it sounds like you are equally providing. The only difference is you aren’t paid for some of it

Also taking into account the trauma you are still experiencing from your previous job ……….and I know how this can be. After working for a bunch of sexist bullies that didn’t want a new mother in their practice I spent years feeling totally useless.( I never went back to work for other people in the end, I couldn’t face it, I started my own practice )

so
No. I’d stay put for the time being.

I would make sure however that if you’re picking up all the pieces at home you’re not doing more than your fair share. If you have kids he won’t be used to the drudgery of cleaning and house stuff. So he should get used to it now. He’d have to do it all if you weren’t there!

If you leave your job you’ll regret it. No amount of money is worth your mental health being in a job you don’t love.

It sounds like he values money more than your happiness, why would he want you to leave somewhere you’re happy?

lastly, what on earth do you spend money on that you’re struggling??

🚩

I don't think you need a new job - you need a new man. Why on earth would you marry a bully who makes you do all the housework? This is not a good quality husband-material man. Extricate yourself as soon as you can.

Don't leave your job. Doing all the house stuff is a mistake imo but there you go but I assume you are happy with this setup. So for the next 2 weeks each time you do something domestically - laundry, cooking, shopping, dog walking etc log the time. After 2 weeks stop doing half the stuff or sit him down and say he needs to stop the overtime and pick what he's going to pickup because you are working 2 jobs. I expect he'll kick off saying he earns more than you bla bla. Then you have your answer, this is what your life will be like - him reminding you he earns more and can call the shots. I would be very wary about having a baby with him.

Btw the going rate is about £15+ per hour for a cleaner.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for staying in a job you love. Is he wanting 50/50 spilt in everything, would this still be the case if you had to cut your hours for any reason, were made redundant or went on maternity leave? Or is this less about having more money but more about him not loving his job. If he resents the overtime perhaps he could do less or none. Maybe look at ways you could make savings or reduce the amount needing to be saved. I would make sure your on the same page financially before marriage.

If and when you look for a new job, do it for yourself, your career progression, for the challenge, for stability.

there is more to life than money and being in a job you actually like is priceless

You are not wrong, but it depends on who is driving the current spending. There can be financial implications to staying in a job you love, and you have to cut your cloth accordingly. If the OP wants a big wedding, a new car, house renovations etc, then it's not fair to put the financial burden of that on her DP. It's a bit different if she is willing to make cutbacks to stay in the job she loves, and he is not.

I think this hits the nail on the head.

If you both want the standard of living you currently have, I can see why he feels pressure if he's having to work overtime to fund a lifestyle that you both want. I guess I can understand why he might want you to get a better paying job, so he doesn't have to do overtime - as long as he knows that this would mean sharing the household tasks.

If you love your job, then the alternative is to both be willing to cut back costs/outgoings, so he could work less overtime. Is this a possibility?

If he's the one that wants the current lifestyle though, and you are less bothered, then it's difficult, as you seem to be in different places. You perhaps need to sit down and talk about how to go forward, particularly before you continue with wedding plans.

aak him if he’d be happy for your to quit and find a new job that paid the same as him yet made you utterly miserable, exhausted and had a knock on effect to your relationship?

there is more to life than money and being in a job you actually like is priceless. It’s not as if you’re sat around on your ass all day long scrounging off him and not working.

Are you expecting him to pay for you? I don’t think he has any right to ask you to change jobs. You earn a decent wage and you love your job, why would you give that up. I also don’t understand why he has to do overtime if there’s just the 2 of you on those wages.