For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

Having a job you love is priceless.

He is BVU.

Op when you have children, the generous holiday and flexibility is priceless. Worth more the the money he brings in.

Don't leave your job. Your decision not his. If moneys that bad you'd do better picking up some bar work, dog walking , freelance whatever you can do.

He barely earns any different than you!!!

After tax, NI and possibly student loans, it amounts to a few hundred quid extra. Hardly worth getting fussed about!

At one point I was earning triple what my partner was earning (£25k / £75k) and I gave zero shits!

Tell him to get stuffed. You’re happy where you are. If he wants a high earner for a wife he can go find one.

Also - sod the expensive wedding. Have a wedding you can comfortably afford- it’s literally one day! Not worth stressing and it causing difficulties between you as a couple!

And who made him your boss? It's not for him to dictate to you in your own career choices.

1. If you've a job you love, stay there, do not leave. More money is not worth the stress/toxicity of a shitty employer/manager.
2. A man who wants his fiancee to risk her mental health by working in a company she is unhappy in, is not a man she should marry.
3. A man who does nothing around the home is not a man you should marry.
4. A man who thinks he is in charge and calls the shots and argues with you when you don't do as you're told, is not a man you should marry.
5. This type of man, and lets face it, we've seen plenty here on MN, is exactly the type of man who will expect you to pay 50% of all bills and mortgage whilst you're earning statutory maternity pay. Then force you back to work early when your baby is still little because you need to get back to work to earn more money.
6. And when you go back to work, he'll expect YOU to pay for all of the childcare fees, so you'll effectively be working to pay the childcare bill, then he'll sulk that you're not able to afford to pay the mortgage and bills and expect you to use your savings to do so.
7. This man will leave all parenting to you.

Please do not marry this man, please do not have children with this man. Take it from those of us a little older and wiser (to these types of men), he's not a good one to be married to. Your future with him, married with children will not be a happy one. You will be worn out.

I hope when you come back to the thread, it's to say you're reconsidering your relationship.

He's thinking about it backwards. He should stop doing overtime and do equal hours to you. Both of you then cut your financial cloth accordingly.

Resentment will kill the marriage, fight it

I would advise you not to leave your lovely job. I have worked in some very toxic environments which paid very well, but it’s not worth it. The impact of a bad job/horrible boss etc. is so bad for mental wellbeing. If I had my time again I would never have left a job for money (I had a job like the one you have now) Jobs like that are quite hard to find.

He wants you to be stressed in a new job and stressed at home doing all the housework and cooking.

In short, he’s a cunt.

If he were serious about you earning more money he’d do his half of housework to put you in a better state of mind of taking in higher paid work.

What a lazy twat he is.

Leave him. Run for the hills. If you try to build a future with someone who thinks they're above "menial" household tasks, which are some lesser being's problem (yours, to be precise), then misery awaits, I'm afraid.

It doesn't matter whether he earns £50k or £150k, he's not a goer if he can't be arsed to clean a toilet or cook a meal.

Sorry should he do overtime on his overtime? If what he is doing is only covering the debt and wedding costs how do you expect him to have a stash ready for your car?

Has he told you to change jobs because you've highlighted the potential car issue or he is maybe fed up of being the only one doing overtime but to pay for joint ventures? More context please?

Cut back on your expenditure keep the wedding within your means and all should resolve itself?

Why don't you get a second job? And split chores 50/50 win win

I don’t understand how 2 of you are arguing about money when you earn £70k between you!

You are very well off.

If you can’t afford your lifestyle then cut back.

If you can’t afford to buy a home in a specific area, then change areas.

If his job is too stressful then he needs to get another one but you should not give up one that you like when you are getting £30k for it which is a very good salary.

Whats the point on going for a worse job just for slightly more money, when it sounds like you’ll both end up living beyond your means again.

I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

Why?

You should have plenty to live on between you - or is it that one or both of you want bigger and better for everything (cars, houses, holidays et )?? How’s your life going to be with both of you working all hours of the day and night - him with his overtime, you with your full time job and all the household tasks oh and childcare if you choose to have them?

Is this really what you want for your life? Someone who would rather you quit a job you love and find fulfilling for more stuff, and is also happy to do fuck all around the house?

Could he stop overtime? Or get a job that's less stressful and less pay? Would you still manage fine with your financial goals?

Let's break this down:

He does ALL the overtime? So has less time and opportunity to do house chores as well.

Said extra income is for the wedding: again what sort of wedding? Something low key reasonable? Or is the OP going all out?

The car is on its way out? Has this been put to the other half like oh my car is on its way out, to which he likely reacted like I can't physically earn more or do more than I am? I'm paying towards the wedding and existing debt if your car is about to go then you'll have to earn more or do something?

What do you what him to do OP magic some extra cash from somewhere to pre empt pay for your car? Other than you earning more or making your finances work I don't see what else he could have said?

As long as you are living within your means and not sponging off him then crack on. Equally, he is free to leave the relationship if he finds your lack of career ambition unattractive.

I really wouldn't get into the pattern of being his unpaid housekeeper. It's demeaning, he doesn't value it and at some point if you find yourself working longer hours or your circumstances change in another way he might not step up.

I would tell him to jog on tbh. He doesn't have to work overtime. That is a choice he is making. You are happy in your job and on a fairly decent wage. You earn collectively more then enough money for 2 people.

I know LTB gets used a lot but I would honestly reconsider marrying someone if this is really how they felt about my work life balance / happiness etc.
I am in the exact same job situation as you, including salary. My husband earns more than double my income. We had the conversation once about me looking for a job with a higher salary. (I actually couldn't earn a significant amount more without moving careers or retraining) I explained that to me, being happy in my job is more important than taking home a few extra thousand pounds a year. He understands, but he does feel it's more pressure on him - but I would be happy to go without, budget more etc - he wouldn't, so he does work hard in his career to earn more so we can have security and holidays. I also have told him when he was in a job he hated that I'd be happy for him to take a pay cut if it meant he was in a job he was happy with, it really is a core principle for me and he accepts that.
That being said; neither of you are on really low incomes, so maybe you actually need to look at your expenses if you're both under that amount of pressure financially.
Also, I don't know if you have plans to have any children in the future, but 1. his attitude doesn't bode well for when you could potentially be earning very little on maternity leave etc. but 2. I actually found my small, caring, flexible company to be totally invaluable when I went back to work but needed to be able to take days off to look after a sick baby out of nursery etc. No one was judgemental or complained, they were all supportive.
I can't even get into the fact that you seem to do everything around the house for him and he still wants to complain. My husband works more hours than me and we split things much more evenly than that.

This won’t work out. He’s only going to push more and more onto you

who the fuck does he think he is telling you to leave a job you’re good at and love, especially when he will have known just how badly your previous employer situation affected you.

tell him you will stick to what makes you happy, and btw, he needs to do more for the household. You’re not his skivvy.

You both work full time.

He does NOTHING domestically.

And now he wants you to do even more.

You’d be mad to marry this prince amongst men.

Tell him you will have a trial with him for 3 months splitting ALL the other duties you listed, and if he sticks to it (lists and timings up on the wall), you will consider looking for another job.

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

Assume you've pointed this out, firmly. What was his response? That will be telling, as I imagine he claims he'll 'help' you more (in a home he is equally responsible for but letting you do all the work there) if you find a job that pays more, but that's doubtful.

I'd stay where you're happy and make a decent living until that changes.

OP, I hope you won’t even consider giving up the job you love. Especially when you do all the household management. I wouldn’t plan my future with a man who wanted me to take a job just for more money, when you’re not desperate.

OP, ordinarily I'd side with you. But the situation here is unclear.
You're both worried about money. He works overtime. It's unclear whether you're underselling yourself due to previous bad experiences, or whether higher paid job would mean a genuine major decline in quality of life.
Also, there seems to be a lot of housework for just the two of you! How on Earth will you manage with kids?
You need to discuss an equitable split. If you get a higher paid job so he can work less, he should do chores. But you both have to agree on standards. How much did he do before all this overtime?

Happiness is important, but you are an adult and life is expensive. If you want luxuries like an expensive wedding (instead of just going to the register office) well then someone has to pay for it.

Please don't give up your job. The dude is red flags all over.