For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

Don’t marry him and don’t get pregnant! Really sorry, but if he behaves like this right now ie.

• uninterested in your happiness/wellbeing,
• focused on everything being ‘fair’ (as long as it’s what HE considers fair, which may or may not have any relationship with the reality)
• has no problem telling you what to do/trying to make you feel bad about your perfectly valid life choices/generally guilting you
• is already playing the ‘poor me’ card

Sorry to be brutal but honestly, surely you’d want more for a daughter of yours than to be with a man so unwilling to support her happiness?!

I would be questioning the motives of a partner that rowed with me about quitting a job I love and pays pretty well in the scheme of it.
That is all.

We're trying to save for a wedding

I’d stop that immediately.
He values money more than your happiness. And 30k is not a bad wage!

However, I would prioritise clearing debt above everything

My favourite comment

@daisyviolet cut right back on all the domestic jobs for a month. He stop the ot for a month and pick up the slack.
If it doesn't work out fairly, you keep the job you are doing. If it works, at least look at other jobs.

Right 👌

It is hard to find a job you love. From your set up it looks as though if you have children you'll be the primary care giver. If that's occurs having a job you love that is supportive and not a chore will help that balance of children and work. You'll definitely regret a move. Money is not everything. I would instead look at cut backs if he doesn't want to do overtime. Or maybe a little bar job for you, so you can share the burden of extra hours???

Ps if you do a little job he'll have to do more at home though tell him 👍

Your doing a lot more than him ..unpaid..tell him if he wants to do it then your be happy to think about another job.. I can assure that it won't happen. Seems to stuck in his ways..also you need to start a marriage with equality of everything. Talking is best..if he can't see it then is he the man for you ??

Agreed, myself and my hubby are combined on around 40k a year and have a house, 2 kids etc. No holidays and we don't drive and sometimes the weeks are loooong but we manage. Imagine if we had another 40k to play with 😭

Yes, are you a mug?

It will only get worse. You have been forewarned.

We are a family of 4 and on 60k and manage quite well. With this in mind and there only being the 2 of you, why can’t you just cut out some things and go without to make your money go further?
The job thing, it’s so hard to find a job that is rewarding in the way that you enjoy it and it doesn’t feel like a job so you’d be silly to go for more money if ultimately it destroys your soul. 30k is average but you enjoy it and being happy is worth more than money. Money can’t buy that stuff and you shouldn’t feel pressured into finding a job that pays more and could make you feel rotten every day. Nothing worse than having a job you hate and you’d end up resenting your partner. Your partner sounds bloody awful by the way. I wouldn’t be marrying someone with this mindset. You do all the unpaid work and need to find a job that earns more? Get rid of this self centred arse and find someone who’s supportive of you in all areas. You want to marry a cheerleader, not a spineless cabbage. He’s toxic and not someone you want to be married to. He will get worse over time.

I would be very concerned he is behaving like this (not contributing at home and pressuring you about your job) and not even married yet….

Suggest putting breaks on, if you are at an impasse communication-wise, counselling to explore these issues. Including (if this is something you want) expectations of roles when you have DC.

Also if going ahead, a more intimate wedding on a smaller budget.

I work for a similarly set up job. My colleagues are mint, the MD has become a friend, very flexible, no toxicity and I enjoy going to work. I also make similar money. If my husband said I need to get another job I’d hand him the divorce papers. I spent too many years stressed, depressed, demotivated and shat on by toxic colleagues to ever deal with any of that crap again. YANBU but your DH is being an AH.

I think I’d find another DP rather than a new job!

If you take a higher paid job, it’s quite likely you’ll pay a far larger chunk of tax than you do now, plus higher NI contributions - so ask yourself if the pair of you would be really much better off financially than you are now? Your existing joint income of 70K (80K with his overtime) for 2 of you without children is a lot of money - many couples, with children, are managing on far less.
Sit down together and discuss your finances and workload. Are there things you could cut down on or cut our altogether to bring costs down, for example? He also needs to take more of a share in the household tasks - he certainly would have them to do if you were to up and leave, for example.
Think very carefully before giving up a job you obviously enjoy. You might find a higher paid job, but if it ends up making you unhappy and potentially ill, it really isn’t worth it.
His attitude is something which would concern me, OP.

Your salary is below average for a full time worker in the UK, but there is more to life than money and it sounds like you're above average happy in your job.

Are there opportunities for advancement where you are? If you're enjoying it so much I bet you're performing well. Not necessarily for your boyfriend's sake, but for your own, too, it would be great to think about how you can increase your earning power in the coming years.

You aren't acting as a team here and I think his attitude towards raising that stinks, but it is important to have shared values around finances and goals.

Could you take a step back from it, and have a higher level conversation about money. What do you need to bring in as a household for you to feel comfortable? Can you agree on that, and the reasons for wanting whatever sum of money that is? Then, how can you each do your bit, which doesn't need to mean each doing exactly the same thing. It just needs to feel like everyone is pulling the weight they can bear to pull. That includes discussions not just about money but about domestic chores, to be clear.

You again.

No effort? She works full time.

He wants her to quit the job she loves to pull a much more lucrative job out of her arse. 😵‍💫

I think it the fact your saving hard to pay for a wedding and clear debt but there’s only him making an extra effort to get more money to enable that

tbh I’d be pissed off working overtime to clear debt and the other person makes no effort

It's so hard to find a job you love OP, don't give it for a gold pig!
You'll spend more time with your colleagues than your DO so having nice ones is so important.

so 70-80k household income, not rich but not on the poverty line.
Your DH needs to realise that it may not look it but you are not doing too bad and chasing the big bucks may not give you happiness. Also not as if you have a PT job you bring in a good amount

So, if you were to marry him, have kids and become a SAHM or work part time, would he still consider it unfair? Because that's where the real salary inequity comes in. That's when your salary will drop and his will continue to rise. And before you know it, you'll be working your backside off looking after kids and working part time and be earning a 1/3 of his salary pro rata. If you suffer from anxiety or depression, you might not suit a more challenging role. That would impact on your relationship. If I were going to marry a man and potentially start a family with him, I would want to be clear about all these issues in advance.

You need a serious talk about long term goals.

Will he ba happy to live to your standard? How will a joint home be owned and paid for? If you have a baby woll je expect you back at work full time straight away? What are his expectations for maternity leave and domestic chores split.

I get that you love him but actual compatibility and shared life goals are so important or else all you are doing is settling and kicking the break up/resentment down the road.

Unless you are self employed, everyone "is just a number" at work & circumstances can change

Nevertheless you enjoy your job, so it is worth you staying there. This is your decision to make, not his !

Over time is never guaranteed & this could stop at any time & this extra money should not be heavily relied upon

Buy a cheap old banger car out right with cash, the insurance is also cheaper on cars that are over 20 years old

In 10 years why has he not done any house work ?

Good luck

This. If my DH had ever said this, I would have said this to him, loud and clear.

The OP will be back in 5 years ranting about how exhausted she is working full time whilst still doing all the domestic drudgery and all the parenting to a child her husband whinges about having to help pay nursery fees for.

Sounds like a divorce waiting to happen and their not even married yet.

OP;Unless you can bridge these gaps before your married then you're in for a miserable life.