For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

Well every story has two sides.
You believe the OP 100% when she says she does 'everything'.
He claims he also does a lot of DIY as work on the house is still ongoing.
Now men usually underestimate the amount of housework that they do. But it's also more usual for them to do the DIY. It won't be a lot for a house in good condition, but for a house that's a work in progress - not inconceivable that it takes up a lot of time!

We don't know who's right. But the fact that they can't listen to each other and are seeking validation from internet strangers means this partnership is doomed.

Thanks to BOTH of them. Not just him.

BTW if my husband showed me a thread from random internet strangers to support his opinion I'd just laugh at him. MN isn't reddit but so many threads on here are bonkers.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4999590-for-asking-my-partner-to-consider-changing-jobs-to-allow-me-to-work-less?page=1

A partner should support you in your choices. Obviously we all need money to live, but job satisfaction and personal happiness are also important. (In my view, more so, within reason).

Financial "needs" vary from person to person, couple to couple. Beyond the bills we HAVE to pay, everyone makes choices on how to spend the rest of their income and place value on different things - secondhand v new, luxury or basic, holidays or not, new clothes or make do, gym membership or run the streets.

There's no right or wrong but as a couple you need some agreement over what you want your money to do for you. Looking closely at your spending and seeing where you can make savings is another way to do things, rather than insisting your partner sacrifices their well being to get a higher paid job.

My DH has always run his own business. At one time his income was little to nothing for a while. It's never been an amazing amount. But it has kept him and his partners (family members) going. We discussed other career choices for him when it was at a low point, but I'd never push him to change career against his will.

If your partner is unreasonable over this (as it sounds), maybe it's him you should be re- thinking about, not your job.

I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

Ffs another one. Whats his thread called?

If you needed another illustration of a man who doesn’t understand what “fair” means this is it…

his response to what you’re telling him (and what this thread tells him) is not to question his own views, values or re-evaluate his position. Instead it is to start his own thread so he can get people on his ‘side’ and justify his resentment and childish behaviour while continuing to make you feel bad.

This kind of tit for tat is no basis on which to build a life with someone. Fair and equal across decades of marriage and the challenges of child rearing and life is not earning the same amount, going out for the same number of hours a week, having the same number of friends etc. it is making sure you both have what you need to help you live your best lives and being able to give/take and support each other through good and bad times.

This man is not a keeper. He has shown you who he is. Just believe and move on.

Being in a job you like and enjoy is very important, and £30k salary isn’t bad. Stay where you are and if push comes to shove maybe do an evening job say twice a week to bring in a little more money, especially if he’s doing overtime and not around.

If your going to have kids who is going to take time off… because if it’s you having a lovely close knit workplace to come back to / flexibility available will be super important.. Also he will need to understand that if you’re doing childcare and not pulling in as much money that’s your contribution. Just like your contributing more in terms of household labour. Sit down and talk through .. I’ve known couples split post babies due similar you need to be on the same page.

Thanks for coming back to update OP - can you please link us to his thread?

Either way this is ringing alarm bells when it comes to marriage.

Why are you doing all of this ?
I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc

Dont marry like this to be the domestic slave

Tell him to sod off..
DH is not the boss of you.

When I was a 20 year old man, I thought relationships would not be that hard. Places like MN told me that most men were useless and even basic considerations, working hard, being emotionally aware and doing housework would make me a well regarded and appreciated partner.
Of course, it takes a lot more than that. But this man has been in one serious relationship and has not moved on from that stage and has regressed if anything it seems.

Crikey OP. Eight pages and you haven’t come back so I doubt you'll read this but:

Do you really, really want to marry someone that controlling? You work full time and do all the domestic stuff and he thinks just because he earns more he’s somehow superior?

You love your job. That’s not something that happens to everyone. Think long and hard before you marry this person. And don’t quit your job.

It is supposition on very shaky ground. But I do find it bizarre that she, or any woman, would marry him.

Where did she say that?

Yet another man who thinks you are a housemaid. Why are you marrying him. I despair I really do.
If that was me he d be dumped unless he did half. I have no time for men like this. I'm not a servant.

Ooh, on second thought, suggest that he pays you to do the housework - does that even out the earnings?

Make a list of all the unpaid drudgework you do around the house. Put it to him that maybe you could get a different job, with the same overtime "opportunities" that he has, and ask him which household tasks he would like to take over to free you up to do that overtime. And will he do those tasks as well as his overtime, or will he give up some of his financially rewarding work to do the ironing and scrub the bathroom? Maybe suggest a months trial where you have a few hours off every day from being a domestic worker to knuckle down and look at jobs, while he cleans the oven and whatnot.

I would also think long and hard about marrying a guy who lets his partner do all the gruntwork and then whinges that she's not earning enough.

Yes, it seems like a dumpster fire.
The OP seems desperate to be married and have a big wedding, regardless of the partner (despite what MN insists, most women expect to be put first) and the cost of the wedding.

I couldn’t marry a man who treated me like their mother expecting me to do everything for him at home and had so little respect for that effort on top of working a FT job that he demanded I look for another one.

I am the higher earner in our house (100k+ vs 45k). I largely WFH in a senior corporate role (lots of mental load but generally 8-6 Mon to Fri) whilst DH is a driver of hazardous loads, which is a physically and mentally demanding job, with 12-14 hour days during the week being the norm. He could earn more at other companies but he enjoys the people he works with and, as someone who will not take any sh@t and has walked out of a number of jobs over the years when someone/something has annoyed him, I know how much job satisfaction means to him. I wouldn’t dream of telling him he needed to get another job.

We both split house work, caring for our dogs etc (no kids) and most importantly are a partnership. So if money is tight (and it has been at times during our 13 years together) we sit down and talk and figure out a plan that we both are happy with. For you, it might be pushing back the wedding by another year or even, god forbid, him exploring other job options himself?!

If he is prepared to behave this way when you aren’t even married and do not have kids, I think you do need to consider if this is the person you want to commit to spending the rest of your life with. Where will your wants, your feelings, your dreams, your happiness rank when there are kids in the picture?

edit - typos

Seems a bit sad that he isn’t keen for you to stay where you’re happy. Maybe money stress is getting in the way of those feelings, but if they’re just not there I’d be a bit worried. How would you feel if roles were reversed?

And it seems that OP's DP is the only one that realises this!
Really interested in knowing who the main driver for the big wedding is.

In the absence of kids or desperate financial need, I think he works overtime because he is either not very efficient or he enjoys people thinking he does loads of work.

Stick to the job you enjoy. He should be happy so long as you're happy. Right?

Sounds like they’re trying to pay off debt and save for a wedding st thr same time…or in other words life a life they cant afford.

Why would you choose to marry him?
Would he expect to be able to keep you if you were both earning the same?
Why would you be with a man not able to do housework?
You are actively making these choices and it is hard to understand your reasons.