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AIBU?

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Original poster

For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

238 replies

daisyviolet · 31/01/2024 15:43

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 31/01/2024 16:04

I'd be dumping your fiancee before I gave up my job.

You love your job, you earn decent money and you do everything at home. He's a prick who earns a bit more - and thinks that gives him the right to absolve himself of any housework and issue instructions about your career to you.

What actually gives him the right to have any opinion on what you do for a living? If he earned more he wouldn't need to do overtime.

Coldupnorth7 · 31/01/2024 16:04

I can see the thread of the future now.

I'm paying my share of the mortgage & bills, all the childcare & for their clothes & my savings have run out since maternity. My husband has his hobbies...

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 31/01/2024 16:03

Why the hell is he letting you do 100% of the housework (massive red flag)? And what are the chances that he would happily (and permanently) pick up a full 50% of it if your work schedule increased? Don't quit your job. Think carefully about whether you really want to marry this man.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/01/2024 15:59

You don't seem to be working as a team. Very separate roles. Can you take a different view and work out how you can get a better balance for both of you.

I don't think you should have to change your job but equally if you are not able to support yourself it's not fair to insist someone else does. Can he cut back on overtime and you both cut back on spending?

Thelnebriati · 31/01/2024 15:58

After you have kids your earnings are likely to be less and your outgoings more, then when they are teenagers it can be harder to return to decent pay without some serious investment into training. Think very seriously about your future.

Hmmmmaybe · 31/01/2024 15:54

@parietal she’s doing ALL the domestic labour though.

I can guarantee he won’t be picking up more of that if she does change jobs

Diamondcurtains · 31/01/2024 15:52

And you’re going to marry him?

bunhead1979 · 31/01/2024 15:50

He is being unreasonable. Do you really want to marry him?

I'd think long and hard about that.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/01/2024 15:50

Maybe he should do less?

Between you you are bringing in 70k minimum. For 2 of you. People with families aren’t on that much.

ColdButSunny · 31/01/2024 15:50

It's so hard to find a job you love OP. I would be really wary of leaving.

Can you look for progression at your current job? Are there any opportunities for promotion?

As the poster above says, is he willing to take on half the domestic work if you do increase your hours?

Windymcwindyson · 31/01/2024 15:49

Intrigued to know how 80k isn't enough for 2..

parietal · 31/01/2024 15:47

Hmm. I think it is not fair to refuse to look at other job opportunities- there could be something good out there that pays more. But he shouldn't force you to change jobs just for the money.

Have a good look, see what is there and what your earning potential is in other locations. But if new job isn't a major improvement on take home pay with a good environment then you don't have to take it.

Hmmmmaybe · 31/01/2024 15:45

I knew you’d do all the domestic work. Which he won’t value because it’s women’s work.

right a lost, including time spent, of all the stuff you do.

discuss it with him. His reaction will tell you whether to stay with him.

insuspwdt his reaction will tell uou not to stay with him and def not to have kids with him