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Original poster

Partner crying

137 replies

gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 19:48

If you were sobbing in the sofa next to your partner and he just ignored you and continued to play on his Xbox without a simple 'are you okay' how would you feel? 😭😭

Yes he saw me crying. He just looked away. We've been together for 2 years. I've always supported him when he cried. I feel very lonely

OP posts:
Jellybean85 · 30/01/2024 20:53

Of course! And I'm happy to answer questions further. It's an anonymous forum and we have a very boring generic marriage lol but feel free to DM if you want.

I actually did therapy twice, once through a charity and then through Women's Aid and it really helped with boundaries and it helped me kick him out! Maybe worth giving them a call for advice? I thought there had to have been 'violence'
To access support like that but it certainly wasn't the case in our area and they were happy to help. I donate now monthly as my little thank you to them ❤️

Evaka · 30/01/2024 20:52

OP, tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and ask him to be gone in a couple of days. Calm and factual. He's not the best of anything.

Healthy relationships shouldn't be as one sided as you describe. If you do want another relationship in the future try working on things like identifying and communicating your needs and preferences, constructive language in arguments etc. There are skills and don't come easily to people pleasers but they'll help a lot. I can't tell you what a good relationship should look like but those tools could help you negotiate one!

pootlin · 30/01/2024 20:52

I've always supported him when he cried.

Well he’s a selfish dickhead.

Dump him.

Getupandgogogo · 30/01/2024 20:51

Have you read 'why women talk and men walk'? It explains a lot...

SpeedyDrama · 30/01/2024 20:51

gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:08

Because if you love someone surely you'd want to do everything you can to make sure they're okay and their clothes are clean, their dinners always ready, they have their morning coffee, they watch their favourite programmes, they play their games. I want my loved ones to be happy but I'm starting to feel so alone because I've never had anyone do anything like that for me 😭 he doesn't even say thank you or give me a hug or even look at me anymore 😭

Show quote history

Why on earth would you do this? Why not be yourself, pull your weight and expect nothing but the same in return from day dot? You’ve set yourself up into the martyr role then crying because he sees you as the doormat you happily presented yourself as?

Im not even sure this for real, it all sounds very Danielle Steele. Half expecting there to be a strong-but-sensitive rich guy who’s always been there for you, ready to sweep you off your feet, drip feed…

QueenApple · 30/01/2024 20:50

Insensitive and a red flag really.
He should at least ask if you’re ok.

My( now ex) asked what I’m bubbling for, just after my dog died several years ago.No empathy.

For some people it’s just about themselves.

Maybe consider if you want to stay with him coz it doesn’t get better !

Original poster
gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:50

Jellybean85 · 30/01/2024 20:48

Yes of course.
I think my relationship with my now DH is normal but 18ish years ago I was where you are now.

We both work and take care of the kids. We occasionally do something nice like pick up each others fave treats bur it's certainly not expected. We both do chores and thank the other one for doing stuff. Shopping and food is everyone's responsibility.

We take turns doing laundry but both do ALL the laundry.

Aww ask each other about our day and give each other comfort when times are hard. We don't always agree but we talk it out without raised voices or sulking

Thank you! I've screenshotted your response (if that's okay?) I want to work towards being in a relationship one day like this. I just hope it's not too late. As my dad always said to me I'm too old to be picky 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Jellybean85 · 30/01/2024 20:48

Yes of course.
I think my relationship with my now DH is normal but 18ish years ago I was where you are now.

We both work and take care of the kids. We occasionally do something nice like pick up each others fave treats bur it's certainly not expected. We both do chores and thank the other one for doing stuff. Shopping and food is everyone's responsibility.

We take turns doing laundry but both do ALL the laundry.

Aww ask each other about our day and give each other comfort when times are hard. We don't always agree but we talk it out without raised voices or sulking

Original poster
gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:48

Dotchange · 30/01/2024 20:46

OP- why would you be scared to ask him to leave?

Honestly. Men scare me. I can't stand when they shout. Genuinely scares the life out of me. I don't want to piss him off. He's never been violent I don't want it to come across like that at all but he can shout loud and I feel to emotional to handle that. I don't know if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:47

Jellybean85 · 30/01/2024 20:45

You don't expect too much but your idea of a relationship is wrong. Not your fault but it is, unfortunately, you who needs to fix it. I recommend therapy (having been abused in childhood and in an abusive adult relationship I know what I'm talking about lol)

I'm so sorry you've been through that. I'm so glad you're in a better place now. Well done you! You're incredibly strong xx

OP posts:
Jellybean85 · 30/01/2024 20:46

Fine give him a week then 🤷🏻‍♀️ but tell him firmly it's over and it's time for him to leave. Don't enter into discussion just leave it at that.
Do you have friends nearby

Dotchange · 30/01/2024 20:46

OP- why would you be scared to ask him to leave?

Original poster
gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:46

Jellybean85 · 30/01/2024 20:43

I'm going to tell it straight while trying not to be unkind.
You may genuinely not realise this if you've had a traumatic dysfunctional time but this is not normal.
This is not how adult relationships are supposed to work. At all.

"Because if you love someone surely you'd want to do everything you can to make sure they're okay and their clothes are clean, their dinners always ready, they have their morning coffee, they watch their favourite programmes, they play their games. I want my loved ones to be happy"

This is how I treat my toddler. She's 2, it's not even how I treat my teens as they need to learn indépendance. It's Absolutely not how I treat my husband.

Your relationship is not good.

You would likely benefit from therapy before entering another

Can I please ask you what a normal relationship is like? Not in a rude way I promise I just genuinely want to know. I feel so dumb. I genuinely thought that the only way someone will love me is if I try and be 'perfect' and clearly it's not working. Today it just got too much

OP posts:
Jellybean85 · 30/01/2024 20:45

You don't expect too much but your idea of a relationship is wrong. Not your fault but it is, unfortunately, you who needs to fix it. I recommend therapy (having been abused in childhood and in an abusive adult relationship I know what I'm talking about lol)

mynameiscalypso · 30/01/2024 20:44

Of course you can throw him out. It's your flat. Kick him out tonight and spend some time working on yourself.

Original poster
gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:44

Dotchange · 30/01/2024 20:41

Do you have kids? A job? Why can’t you escape him?

He lives at mine and he has nowhere else to go. I can't throw him out and in all honesty, I'd be too scared too. I don't want to cause problems. Although I can understand how I seem like a drama queen in these posts. I'm so sorry

OP posts:
Jellybean85 · 30/01/2024 20:44

You absolutely can and should throw him out. He is a grow man he will be perfectly fine lol

Original poster
gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:43

BlueScrunchies · 30/01/2024 20:37

I’m really sorry you feel this way, it’s good you have insight into why you are like this as you can take steps to make things better for yourself 😊

From what you have said above, it sounds like this is a norm in your relationship and conversations to address it are a non-starter. So fundamentally, you have two choices. Accept things as they are and stay miserable. Trust me, he won’t change, he is who he is. Or you could gather all your strength and leave. The second option will be harder in the short term, but so much better for you in the long term.

Don’t continually compromise your own happiness and wellbeing for someone else’s, you only have one life and deserve to be happy and loved.

I think I'm just super worried that it is me who's the problem. Maybe I'm the reason I'm miserable. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe he is the best of the bunch and I'll regret leaving. I don't know. I don't have the logic to understand why I'm sos stupid when it comes to relationships.

Thank you for being so kind and supportive xx

OP posts:
Evaka · 30/01/2024 20:43

C00k · 30/01/2024 20:01

Why would you ‘try to make sure everything is perfect for him all the time’?!
Don’t. The only reason to have a boyfriend is that it’s meant to be fun, and enhance your life.

You can make plans and dump him. Enjoy life.

Best advice on here. Dump his ungrateful ass and focus on trying to please yourself next, not some gaming vaping loser.

Jellybean85 · 30/01/2024 20:43

I'm going to tell it straight while trying not to be unkind.
You may genuinely not realise this if you've had a traumatic dysfunctional time but this is not normal.
This is not how adult relationships are supposed to work. At all.

"Because if you love someone surely you'd want to do everything you can to make sure they're okay and their clothes are clean, their dinners always ready, they have their morning coffee, they watch their favourite programmes, they play their games. I want my loved ones to be happy"

This is how I treat my toddler. She's 2, it's not even how I treat my teens as they need to learn indépendance. It's Absolutely not how I treat my husband.

Your relationship is not good.

You would likely benefit from therapy before entering another

Original poster
gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:42

Krayola · 30/01/2024 20:34

This can’t be real

Sadly it is. I've read a lot of these responses and I do see that I'm the problem. So thank you for your input

OP posts:
Original poster
gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:41

MrsOff · 30/01/2024 20:33

Because if you love someone surely you'd want to do everything you can to make sure they're okay and their clothes are clean, their dinners always ready, they have their morning coffee, they watch their favourite programmes, they play their games.

This isn't love OP. This is allowing someone to treat you like a doormat. Acting as someone's servant does not make them respect or love you.

You need to split up with him and get some decent therapy.

Do you have your own place?

What is love? I don't mean that question in a rude way I genuinely want to know. I clearly need to sort my head out and learn what's right and wrong. I should know this, I'm bloody 30! Feel so pathetic. The only place I could move is back with my parents but I really don't want to be around them either. The studio is mine but I can't just throw him out on the street so I don't know what to do c

OP posts:
Dotchange · 30/01/2024 20:41

Do you have kids? A job? Why can’t you escape him?

Original poster
gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:40

SultanOfSwing · 30/01/2024 20:27

I think he could be kinder to you.

Edited

Thank you! That's a really sweet reply and it means a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
gratitudegirl · 30/01/2024 20:39

FloofCloud · 30/01/2024 20:19

Right! You need to think about yourself somewhat!
Do something for you, take a day or week off work, book something just foe you, make yourself happy happy and consider your life choices
If your life makes you unhappy, make changes positively for you and your own happiness

I'm going to try I promise. I just always end up burying my head. It's so stupid. Thank you. I'll try xxx

OP posts:
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