Partner crying

That's absolutely not your problem. I promise you will be INFINITELY happier with him gone. You can do this!

It sounds like you have been working so hard to make him happy that you’ve lost yourself.

who do you have to fake everything is fine all the time too?

A partnership needs authenticity, it needs both people to be honest + vulnerable when things don’t feel ok. It needs to be mutually supportive. And it should be kind.

In order to feel loved, we need to know someone loves + accepts all of us. Not just the public ‘front’ we put on. It doesn’t matter if your tears are performative or not - if he’s not able to put down his game + check in with you about what’s going on then he is not the one for you.

Can you go away for a few days and either leave a note asking him to be gone by x date, or ask a friend to come round and tell him to leave?

I would totally do that for a friend

This makes it even easier to kick him out - he brings nothing to the relationship.

He lives at mine and he has nowhere else to go. I can't throw him out

@gratitudegirl You can tell him the relationship is over, and you are giving him notice to leave. Honestly, being on your own is better than being miserable with someone.

You can also stop doing things for him. He can make his own coffee, he can do his own cooking and washing. He isn't a child. You are making it too comfortable for him, so of course he doesn't want to leave.

Can I please ask you what a normal relationship is like?

DH and I have been married for 42 years.
Every morning he gets up first and makes me a cup of tea, I work from home and he makes me endless cups of tea while I am working, we share the household chores, I cook 99% of the time, and he washes up. He has health issues now so I do 99% of the driving.

but I cover all the other bills and food shop and things

He is what is universally known on mumsnet as a cocklodger. He is on to a good thing. Stop making it comfortable for him. Don't buy his food. Make him stand on his own two feet.

@gratitudegirl

It’s time to make some changes OP - you deserve better and you need to realise your true worth before you even think about being with someone else -
vulnerable people often attract sharks who are out for themselves. This man has taken over your life and home.

You are considering leaving YOUR OWN HOME before making him get out. Really think about how crazy that is. Imagine if your best friend told you that - you’d think she’d gone mad. Have a bath, watch a funny film and make a plan in a fancy notebook:

End it
Get him out with police assistance if necessary
Treat yourself to something nice because you deserve it
Take up a hobby you’ve always wanted to
Find a therapist

You will feel so much happier without him.

I got home today to a tidy living room, dinner waiting for me, bathed kids and I’m wallowing in the bath. Life can be simple and nice and not a slog.

You're not stupid. But you have let him walk all over you. Time to stop that.

If anyone at all that was in my company cried, I would always stop what I’m doing & ask if they’re doing ok/console them.

Your bf sounds awful & I hope you’re ok.

Except you can throw him out. Trust me, he'll find somewhere else to play his video games.

Having read your responses above all else OP, in the nicest possible way you need to ask him to leave. Tomorrow or the next day if need be when you are a little less fragile, but he needs to go.

Love and a lasting relationship is about being a partnership, helping each other with the running of the household, picking up each other's slack but never expecting one person to do it all. Me and my DH both share the childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. We do nice things for each other, make a favourite meal, buy a favourite bottle of wine, run each other a bath after a long day etc but it's never expected.

You and your partner are adults and equals however he is lording it around like a toddler or royalty and you are working your ass off to cater to his every whim. Who caters to you op? Who does nice things for you? Who makes your dinner, does your laundry, makes you a coffee in the Morning? The answer to all of that is YOU, so he is adding nothing to your life but sadness. Kick him out.

I hope you feel a bit better soon OP. You don't need to be anything other than yourself. There is no such thing as perfect.

Does he pay rent, OP? Does he pull his weight around the flat ?

He lives at mine and he has nowhere else to go.

That is not your problem. Honestly, it isn't. You've made it clear to him that you're willing to be a doormat and so he knows you wouldn't throw him out. Which is why he feels comfortable treating you like shit.

Being miserable in a relationship is much more lonely than being single. This isn't an exhaustive list, but love is:

feeling safe with that person
feeling happy when you're with them
respecting each other*
supporting each other*
making time for each other*
(*note, each other - not all one way)

From your OP you couldn't tick a single thing off that list. it's time to get rid of him, and where he goe is his problem to sort. It's your place so as soon as he's out change the locks and block him. You'll hurt after you've done it because you're so deperate for someone to love you. But it isn't him.

Therapy, therapy and more therapy to unpick your childhood, why it makes you so deperate, and why your self esteem is on the floor (answer to the last one - because you spent your formative years being told, in actions and/or words, that your parents didn't love you, and you internalised that and formed the belief that it was your fault for not being loveable. You were wrong but it will take you a long time to absorb it.)

I can't believe people are saying she needs to say something. Sobbing (which is pretty loud) is pretty clear communication that you are upset. Not sure why words are required. You'd have to pretty dim not realise what sobbing indicates and need someone to say "I'm upset". You'd also need to pretty lacking in emotional intelligence or social skills not realise that someone sobbing might need some comfort or consideration. I'd actually to try really hard to sit there unresponsive to someone sobbing. It'd be hard to do. It's a natural reaction for most people with any empathy at all to at least ask what's wrong?!? To pretend the OP is in the wrong here is pretty disingenuous tbh.

OP, I've also noticed you apologise for yourself a lot in your posts which makes me sad for you. Could you try an exercise over the next few days and try not to say sorry (unless you've actually done something worth apologising for like running over someone's foot with a Tesco trolley!). It's quite an empowering thing - women say sorry WAY too much.

This. I don’t believe a word of it. It gets more and more ridiculous with each post.

OP if he scares you, if he doesn't respond to your need for comfort, he's not the right man for you. Get a friend to come over tomorrow and tell him he needs to leave to help you stay strong and to handle him if he shouts. Then get yourself some therapy. I promise you the problem isn't you it's the men you are choosing. Get some help and you will choose better in future. But please whatever you do get rid of this man. You asked what a real relationship should be like, it's someone who will care about you even if you leave smelly socks somewhere or don't have time to run after them. It's someone you can be yourself with. It's someone who makes you feel bigger and stronger not smaller and weaker. Please, please don't keep allowing yourself to be treated this way.

I could have written this word for word (including the point about being where the OP is 20-odd year ago). Mine and DH's relationship isn't exciting but we're kind to each other and we respect each other. We try to make each other's lives easier but accept that it's not always, or often, possible.

You’re never “ too old to be picky”

You pick someone who cares about you or you live alone.
Being alone is less lonely than living with the wrong person.