MIL crisis - moving away

What help do you need? Just find a property you like and move. You're husband is in agreement. Your being perfectly reasonable. Continue in that vain. It's not up to you to manage your MIL, it's up to her to manage her emotions. Let her sulk.

Your MIL is a manipulative bully. You cannot lead your life for her.
Stay strong and do what's right for you, not her.
You can't live your life with regret

Love this

And at the end of the day every parent should want that for their child. I’ve had and still have my life, I wouldn’t expect my child to live their life for me as well

At the end of the day we have to live our lives for ourselves and not our parents. Simple as that.

Toxic controlling MIL. Move well away. This ‘victim’ business was always going to emerge. It is terrible how some women - mothers of boys mostly- turn into the most manipulative and awful creatures when a daughter in law arrives on the scene. I am already red-flagging the signs of these MIL types with my teenage daughter. Est of luck with your move!

Your circumstances are very similar to our situation. I moved to another city for a job and fully intended to just let it be a short term thing but met someone within a couple of months of moving there and 10 years later, 2 houses, a wedding and a 2.5 year old, I was still there. After everything that happened with Covid and not seeing family for months, I suddenly realised we were denying ourselves making wonderful memories with my family. Those spontaneous Sunday afternoons when everyone pops round for a few hours, instead it felt like a military operation to visit home and took up the full weekend.

My PIL are over a decade older than mine but they act a good generation older, they are unsupportive and frankly boring people. we have a great time with my family and I wanted our child to grow up around cousins and have the support I had growing up. We also wanted another child and my PIL were getting too old to look after a toddler and I certainly wouldn’t leave a baby with them. We’ve now been ‘home’ nearly 2 years and have that second baby. It was the best decision we ever made.

Regardless of what PIL said, we were absolutely going. Any supportive parent would be sad but if they want what is best for you then they will keep it to themselves and just tell you that you will be greatly missed but will be sure to schedule in regular visits and trips out. As my DM said ‘they got to have you for a long time, it’s our time to enjoy you for 10 years now’.

Just bear in mind, my PIL have announced they are putting their house on the market 😐 no mention of where they are moving to but if I had to hazard a guess…

She's a generous and lovely woman - When everything is on her terms. Yep, there's a lot of parents like that around I'm afraid.

She has already shown her unforgivable selfish streak when guilt trip her son on his party.

As a parent, your first priority is the happiness of children - especially when they are grown and can make their own decisions that you do not have a right to influence.

So very straight talking is needed here along the lines of

1. You were quite happy for my parents to live 2 hours away from their DGC, so what has changed now?
2. You have a right to be upset about missing your DGC but to the point where you make us feel bad about about a totally fair and reasonable decision.
3. The move IS going to happen, so you can sulk , be selfish and be dramatic and upset everyone, or be happy and excited for us and get involved in planning fun visits in the future.

I really dislike people who are only ' kind and generous' in a performative way that benefits them. Hopefully you can move past this, but I wager neither you or your DH will forget how selfish and cruel she has been.

Shes understandably upset. She needs reassurance that you will see her regularly. But you are perfectly entitled to move wherever you want and ahe is being very dramatic

I don't condone her behaviour but getting wound up by it isn't going to help your relationship with her. Even though you feel a bit resentful about it, please just try being kind and empathetic to her. Go and visit her on your own, take her some flowers and show her some love. And explain why this isn't unreasonable, you aren't moving to the other side of the world, you will come and visit, she can come and visit you and you will regularly have online chats so she can see the grandchildren. But firmly explain that it's time you were nearer to your family now - you know it'll be difficult for her but it really will be ok. And then finally say that you don't want to discuss the matter any more as she is upsetting you, it's making you feel resentful towards and her it's affecting your relationship with her which you don't want. Surely a more gentle and empathetic attempt at understanding how she is feeling and addressing it in that way is better than doing it in anger? It's worth a shot and if she still pushes back you can justifiably refuse to engage about the matter any further.

@Newchapterbeckons sadly the thought of hurting me supercedes the needs of the children .. in this case the child won't miss what they never had. Maybe they will ask questions when they are older and find out I exist from their cousins 🤔

To this day I don't know what I did wrong, probably said no for once to my adult offspring who only contacted me when they wanted something 😞

Refusing to allow your kids to be smothered by a loony, manipulative emotional vampire is absolutely fine.

MIL is behaving like a lunatic having a nervous breakdown because the OP doesn't want to be shackled to her.

Two options - either MIL is putting it on to try to bully and manipulate the OP into giving up her dreams or MIL is actually a nutter having a complete melt down.

If MIL is putting it on she doesn't deserve to see any of them.

If MIL is an actual nutter having an actual melt down she shouldn't be spending any time around the kids until she gets psychiatric help and gets stable as this is NOT normal adult behaviour and kids aren't comfort blankets for loony relatives.

Men who hit women and then say "Look what you made me do" are wife beaters. MILs who crack the shits and weep in their room endlessly because they don't get their own way are emotional abusers.

If she's not actually crackers, MIL has the choice to behave herself.

Nobody has remotely suggested she can't see the OPs children provided she calms down and chooses to act normally and understand that other people don't exist to please her.

Her bonkers and deeply selfish reaction is a great reason to flee. She is entirely and completely responsible for her own behaviour. "Look what you made me do is coercive and abusive" and nobody is to blame for this except her.

You cannot change her, so avoid her and ignore her, run as fast as you can and never look back.

In fact I’d be tempted to move more quickly (rent a flat) to get this drama out of the way.

Just look forward to the day you will be free of this drama llama nonsense!

Grey rock her.

If you feel cooler or more distant towards her as a result of her selfish behaviour - that’s on her!

She may calm down eventually. But if she doesn’t and bears a grudge I’d maintain my distance tbh.

Ignore the nasty posters on here blabbing stupidly on about free childcare.

Do what’s best for you and your family.

In Kent though many kids go to grammar schools Think it's at least 20%. Both my niece and nephew go. In face where my mum lived when my youngest brother was at school ( Rochester) had so many grammars he had to travel 7 miles for a comprehensive

Neither were tutored etc.

In Essex there are much more limited grammar places. The kids there do tend to be tutored although my DD wasn't apart from a couple of practise papers

It is very calculated to use little children as bartering tools, the needs of the child should come first if they are not to grow up feeling deprived of a family that loved them, and resentful towards their parents.

I imagine the type of person prepared to weaponise chidden is likely to not be the best parent in other ways.

@Honeychickpea sadly this happens a lot I have 2 granddaughters I've never met and one of them is 3 now 😢

Lovely. She needs to keep you sweet or you will with hold contact with her granddaughter.

Utter nonsense. This depends on the family. I visited my Grandparents regularly until they died when I was in my 20s. My DH did the same with his. In fact when we got together we visited both sets as a couple. You can't generalise and tar everyone with the same brush.

Your relationship with her is not going to be permanently damaged. She will need to keep on your sweet side to see the kids. Ignore her power play.

My thoughts are couples who rely on regular caring responsibilities by the Grandparents have to accept there will be a form of grief when that responsibility is suddenly removed. It's undeniable the couple should do exactly as they please as a family but with that comes the fact the bond between children and their Grandparents, especially if they are regular carers, is extremely strong. All I'm saying is there is a lot to consider. OP I'm sure your mil will eventually get used to the idea although I think she should be reassured she will still be very much involved with her Grandchildren. She obviously loves them very much and I've no doubt that love is reciprocated

Emotional blackmail at its worst! She needs to get a grip. I have a 3 year old granddaughter that I've only ever seen photos of 😞

She clearly loves her grandchild and the thought of being being without them and looking after one day a week is breaking her heart. Be kind. You say she is a lovely woman and you clearly trust her with your child. Your child will be upset too when the time comes to say goodbye. One day you may be feeling as she is now. Be kind.