In law problems

And one was using words, the other physical violence. 11 year olds are definitely old enough to know not to push people around, and to retreat calmly from a situation if they are scared.

There is no excuse to shove people off your way, and particularly not a 70 yo. He shouldn't have swear either, but the way you are describing it is that instead of getting your daughter to apologize, you tried to justify her behaviour.

Your children sound very badly behaved. I'm surprised ILs want them in the house.

One of them is an 11 year old dc with a phobia.

The 70 year old sounds horrible.

I also don't think you've got any right to stop your DH taking his children to see his parents.

Why on earth did the inlaws not mention all the dogs? Surely they knew your DC has a phobia?

I think that like your daughter he had an instant reaction, hers was to barge past him, his was to swear, neither are in the right, but they reacted at the time.

Autistic or not I would be trying to help with my child’s phobia or else it will just get worse.

Obviously people shouldn't be swearing at kids, but if an 11-year-old had just bolted past me nearly knocking me over, I too would not give a shit that they did it because they were scared of dogs.

I also don't think your child should be sliding down the stairs on his arse at someone else's house. It's perfectly reasonable to say 'Oi! Don't do that on the stairs, it's bad for the carpet'.

What's wrong with telling off a child for coming down the stairs that way she splashing water. Totally normal and I'm sure you would have told them off too if you see that dirt of behaviour. Re the rushing past...ok I get dd was scared but if grandad had fallen he could be seriously hurt at his age. Grandad shouldn't have sworn but if he fright of being knocked over. 50:50 on this.

I don't know anything about raising a autistic child so I don't want to say the wrong thing here, but what she did could have potentially been dangerous. Bolting away as she did, she could have really hurt her grandad, she could have crashed into people outside or knocked someone into the road, the dogs could have reacted badly and chased her etc. I'm not saying this is her fault but maybe she needs some more coping techniques?

The grandad was very wrong for reacting the way he did. I would be furious if someone spoke to DS like that, especially a close relative. I think even more so in this case as presumably he is aware of her fear of dogs and her autism. I would hope he would step in to help prevent a child from injuring herself or others

No one swears at my kids; his initial response could have been the shock but saying I don’t give a shit is a massive no to me. I’m assuming he’s not reflected and apologised for this

Agree he was wrong for swearing but he was probably startled.

What was wrong with him telling your DS not to splash water or wear down the carpet?

Well it just sounds like an instant reaction. Not ideal and he should have apologised for swearing, but if he's 70 being knocked over can actually be pretty serious. I think maybe you should have just said "sorry about that FIL" instead of justifying why it was fine that she shoved him.

Like I said I don't think his reaction was great but possibly and quick "sorry about that" would have been fine.

The other stuff is perfectly reasonable as long as he's not being aggressive when he asks them to behave a bit better.

The other examples are more 'his house, his rules' type things but this recent response is awful.

I hope either you or your husband told him to fuck right off after his childish reaction.

Mine made my step dad jump once quite badly and he swore at her accidentally, could it maybe be that it frightened him? He should have apologised afterwards for swearing at her though. The behaviour things I would tend to write off as different standards. If the kids aren't comfortable going then I'd definitely change the every Saturday routine but if they still like going then I'd just let it go.

Ew, swearing at a child would be unacceptable for me, let alone overall non-grandfatherly attitude.