In law problems

Fascinating. If there's a thread about a child's behaviour you don't get to the end of page 1 before someone posts ADHD/autism/other ND. Now we have one where the child is diagnosed ND with a severe phobia and over half the responses are saying that the child was in the wrong.

OP they key here is your DH's reaction to the hotel being dog friendly and to FIL's behaviour? Did he stand up for your DD, did he make you stay in that hotel or did he find ways to make it easier for DD?

@PumpkinsAndCoconuts may not be the OPs question, but as she is there to advocate for her child, it would have avoided all the unnecessary stress for them?

Fair enough, I did miss the fact that the child was autistic so my expectation to retreat calmly might not stand.

I still think OP is unreasonable, not the fil.

I don’t think you can call anyone out for overreacting

I'm sorry your dd has those problems, OP, but you don't seem to make any allowance for age or teaching your children to respect their elders.

I'm guessing that FIL's initial swearing response was due to being startled. The subsequent "I don't care" response is due to him now being upset that instead of receiving an apology he is being given justifications. In his shoes I would be much more sympathetic if the first words out of mum's mouth were, "Oh so sorry about that. Dogs scare her" instead of simply "Dogs scare her. Please don't swear in front of my child".

Does this sound plausible?

Really?.
Water splashing on the floor when washing hands in a wet room which is actually designed to get wet? and going down the stairs on your bottom which I think every child has done at some point and probably been encouraged to do for reasons when toddlers and being autistic and having a phobia of dogs is your definition of very badly behaved?

No one who is scared "retreats calmly" and especially not an overwhelmed and panicked autistic child.

The fil was out of order and so was whatever booked the hotel! They obviously don't understand or care about them children's needs so I too would be limiting contact.

I'm an autistic mum of autistic children so I totally get it.

If your DD is verbal, I would have explained to her, that her bolting and knocking into her Granfather, gave him a shock, much like the one she got, but that a simple apology to him would be the right thing to do.
SEN children still need to be taught basic principles of behaviour.
I take it the dog was on a lead, ie restrained, if it was inside the hotel?
That said, your FIL could do with apologising for swearing.
Can you get some help for her dog phobia?

70 really isn't ancient! All 70 year olds I know are fit and healthy and no more likely to be knocked over by an 11 year old girl rushing past than a 40 year old . Unless they have specific health problems.
These is no excuse for the way he spoke to her. I can understand it may have been an automatic reaction to being knocked into but it was an overreaction and then saying he doesn't give a shit is not something I would expect a close relative to say or feel.

He sounds like a miserable bastard, especially with the 'I don't care' comment.
FWIW though I wouldn't consider the initial comment where he swore to be at her, more swearing at the situation. And some people are sweary, so that particular bit is probably it down to shock and not thinking. The 'I don't care' would upset me more.

They all sound thoughtless and fil not very nice, so I'd allow my kids to visit or not, as they see fit and wouldn't allow my husband to force it if the kids weren't keen.

And I wouldn't agree to any more trips away with fil. Life's too short!

I would, yes.
Unless I was 100% sure that the inlaws who suggested it would take DD´s needs into account. But that isn´t the OP´s question...

Honestly it does sound that he got a fright. He could easily break a hip etc if he was knocked. Likewise your son splashing watering in the bathroom could easily cause a fall that could send his grandparents to hospital. Just because he does not appear a fall risk does not mean he isn't.

The going down the stairs thing is their house their rules.
You cannot stop your dh from bring them to their Grandparents house. He can sit down and explain to them that it is their Grandparents house so they have to me mindful of their rules like being careful washing hands. Walking down the stairs etc.

Autistic or not your daughter has to control her panic about dogs. Would she run into a main road or fall in a river if she met one out?

I must be really nosy Id have been googling the hotel as soon as I saw the name. No excuses for lack of knowledge these days.

Isn't looking at the hotel the OP's and her dh responsibility though? And dogs are everywhere these day, everywhere! So maybe they didn't think it would be an issue because absolutely everywhere has dogs unless the dd doesn't go anywhere?

He might have got a fright at being harmed and swore! Also how does your dd react when out in public and dogs are everywhere now? If a dog ran up to her at the hotel, it could do so anywhere else.

I amazed that OP didn't look at the hotel before going there, is it just me that would look at the hotel I was going too?

Sorry, since when does small children occasionally sliding down stairs on their bums ‘wear carpet down’?

YANBU. I'm going to assume a lot of these replies have ignored the fact your daughter is autistic. There's no point talking about how an 11 year old is old enough to know better when said 11 year old isn't neurotypical. My ND sister, now in her 20s, is also terrified of dogs and would likely have a similar reaction. It's involuntary and no amount of reasoning would make the slightest difference. My parents have worked on her phobia for the last 20 years and she is now able to tolerate very small, calm dogs, but is still terrified of all others and no amount of training or logic will override her instinct to run. Your in laws were stupid to book a dog friendly hotel knowing you'd be bringing DD. Your FIL might be excused for his initial reaction if it was out of shock, but the subsequent 'I don't care' is unforgivable. Sounds like he needs to grow up

This was my thought too.

@BingoMarieHeeler level of voice and words are a measure of fitness, well I never knew!

Ok, let me barge past you, knock you over and then say, well you're young enough to withstand that!

So, you think it's ok for the 11 year old to act like that, is it ok if she does the same to a 90 year old who is in her way, or maybe a toddler that crosses her path?

Do you not think the best way forward is to work towards not reacting as she did, because eventually it will result in someone getting hurt.

If her phobia was so massive why did you not take her out right away upon seeing that there were lots of dogs?
Surely it wouldn't have taken two of you to check in?

😂 he’s 70 not 90!! He doesn’t exactly sound fragile does he, shouting and swearing like that.

@Jollyoldfruit maybe the 70 year old has a phobia of breaking a hip by being barged by an 11 year old, resulting in a fall? He was almost knocked over!