Inheritance threads seriously wind me up......

The sickener as far as I’m concerned is when you hear people complaining about their parents spending their own money, while they’re alive. In their minds the parents are recklessly depleting their own personal bank accounts. Nobody with that mindset deserves an inheritance.

Came on to say the same thing. Makes things a whole heap easier.

People can choose to leave their money how they like but their actions can be hurtful to those left out. We adore our kids and wouldn’t want to make either of them feel unloved or not valued so it goes without saying that everything will be left 50/50. I can’t understand why any parent would choose to favour one child over another.

My late dm was devastated to be left out of an inheritance from her dp’s, purely because she was a woman. She was a devoted daughter and knew it was coming as it had been the same her whole life, but it didn’t hurt any less when the time came. As a result she was scrupulously fair with us, sometimes overly so and she spoke of this often as she wanted to be sure that we all understood that she wanted us all to inherit equally.

Dh and I are significantly better off than my siblings but she was adamant that she didn’t want us to have less because we were more established. She told us that what we had was irrelevant, that she didn’t need her parents money either but it was the principle.

Believe me, we all told her many times to blow the lot enjoying herself (ds often used to tell her she should spend it on fast men and hard drugs which made her laugh ‘Ooh I’m a bit past that these days lovey!’). She quite rightly pointed out that she did exactly as she suited and when did we ever see her depriving herself. She told us that if we didn’t need it we could always put it away for the kids as with house prices nowadays they will need every penny. That is exactly what we will do as I know it would make her very happy to know that she has helped them.

My mum left things absolutely equally between my 3 siblings and I. All in different financial positions, all had a positive/ loving relationship with her but with varying degrees of closeness and whilst all of us helped her/ provided some support during her illness before she died, that burden was definitely unequally split. Also all received varying amounts of support - financial or otherwise - over the years. Also one of us l wasn’t actually blood related, kind of adopted but not even officially that. Never a question that the will would be anything other than an equal split 4 ways and nobody would ever expect anything different. Everyone was happy with that - although would have preferred mum spent all of it before she went (she had a good go bless her) and got all the enjoyment she could.

My in laws are pretty obsessively equal between DH and his brother too. BIL lives on the other side of the world and so obviously has less to do with in laws than we do. But absolutely anything they spend on DH or our DD they immediately make sure to do the same or equivalent for BIL and his DC. Even to the point of if they pick a magazine up for DD they’ll either mail one to her cousin (they’re the same age as it happens) or put the few quid in a savings account. It’s quite sweet actually.

Until reading some of these mumsnet threads I genuinely never considered that anyone would do otherwise than to split equally between their children. I mean barring any particularly dramatic circumstances/ estrangement etc. I still do think it’s odd and kind of shitty to do anything otherwise in most circumstances actually - but I appreciate that not every circumstance is so straightforward.

My mum's will absolutely favours me, entirely unfairly. As soon as I discovered that, I pledged to even it out on her death by giving my brother his share.

As it turns out all her money and the value of her house has gone on care over 10 years, but the important thing (for me) was that my brother knew back when she wrote the will, that I refused to benefit from blatant favouritism. But of course it didn't prevent him knowing that mum doesn't love him. And before anyone assumes differently (because he's a man) he's the one who lives locally to her, and has done, and continues to do everything for her. I'm the lucky one who lives two hours away.

I agree with you.
However, I think when inheritance is going to be left unequally it works out more amicably when the person knows they are getting less beforehand.
I do feel sorry for the people who willingly sacrifice time/energy/their own life for elderly relatives then find the waster of the family who has done nothing to help inherits the most totally unexpectantly.

Yes I do. Absolutely. If she understood and believed me, where's the hurt?

And you think that would stop her feeling hurt?

I would have always said yanbu when I was young but look at eg a parent decides to sell house so that everyone gets a share and one of the dc always hoped it would live on in their family, or they leave money to the child who has no job so they can pick themselves up but nothing to the rest, or they only give to the person who has kids etc etc. easy to say their choice but if you’re the person on the other end I can see why people get bitter and see if anything can be done (all examples, since I’ve gotten older have seen so many examples of wills going bad!) so I think it’s a difficult one!!

OP, I couldn't agree with you more. Certainly in England, none of us are entitled to anything from our relatives. What baffles me is that people actually discuss this stuff when the (potential) deceased is still alive - just why?

Probably not. It’s a different set of problems . In forced heirship jurisdictions, your only remedy is to give money to the good child whilst alive. It can be done on your deathbed, no 7 year rule to contend with. Your fraudster child scenario is rarer than the stepmother taking the lot and leaving it to her own kids issue
….

No one else’s business other than the person making the will imo. However, if I ended up with money from my parents’ estate that was anything more than an equal split I would share what I had received beyond that which was equal with my siblings. Can’t say that every one of them would do the same, but you have to live a life you’re comfortable with, that’s what I’d do.

My in-laws constantly try and wind me up by saying they’re leaving my DH of their will, because of some past argument, I always tell them - totally up to them - their money. That winds them up even further. They then tell me they’re leaving their other kids out of the will too. And I say the same. Up to them.

Why read stuff you know winds you up?

I would be interested if OP and others would describe the children's expectation in the below of something as coming from a place of grabby entitlement. I think the stepmother's new husband was only married to her for a short time before she died too.

I once read a thread on here about a man who lost his wife, then remarried. He left everything to his new wife, who had no children, but promised to will everything to his children. Only he died and the stepmother remarried, left everything to her new husband, on the understanding he might will something to her stepchildren rather than just his daughter. One of the original man's children were asking if there was anything they could do if the stepmother's new husband left everything to his own daughter as they suspected he would do this. People may describe the man's children as having a very distasteful false sense of entitlement. I think some people on the thread told them not to be entitled go earn your own money ect. but it must have been rubbish seeing their parents house, money and possessions end up with a random woman who never knew them.

When I read about grabby entitlement I sometimes think that the system of forced heirship that operates in much of Europe would be simpler.

You know that you don’t have to read them don’t you? 🤷🏻‍♀️

If dh dies before me, In the next few years [I have a medically short life remaining] I plan to enjoy the money, piss it up the wall and then top myself while I'm still able to.

What if you’ve got a child who is a drug-addict, and been in and out of prison for years? He’s stolen from you and commited fraud. Child #2 has been a doting child, never caused any trouble and cared for you in your old age. Should they inherit equally?

The faux naive idea that no-one is owed anything doesn't fool anyone OP. As families we support each other in whatever way we can be that time or money or something else. And passing stuff on to the next generation is a fundamental driver to achieve. Most of what I do now I am doing so that my kids can have a better life. And I'd say that applies to most of us - in whatever way we can.

Daughter cares for elderly parents. It costs time, money, effort. She does it out of love and because it's the right thing to do. The state won't fund that care. No-one else does it. So who should get the parents' money?

Depends on what country you’re in. The testator doesn’t always decides on the beneficiary. In some countries it automatically goes to your children and if not, your closest living relative. You can imagine what sort of trouble that causes between siblings!

It's a complicated issue, but I can definitely see why it stirs up pain and resentment when it's not an even split (except in cases where there are obvious reasons to leave someone out of the will). Even when someone does their best to be fair, doing anything other than an even split will almost always leave someone feeling stung, undervalued, or 'less worthy'. As a PP said, it can taint your memories of the deceased, if you're the one singled out to receive less than your siblings.