To expect DH to help himself

I have a similar issue with my dh, he has hobbies but he doesn't really have any friends so when he says he wants time to do stuff he means with me, which I'd like to do too but we have children to think of! I do stuff with friends when I can but he seems jealous that I get this time out that he doesn't, but I can't magic him some friends or always sort out childcare. Maybe I'm a bit mean.

Your so clever.
You stopped trying to fix his troubles and said ok, you have this problem, how do you want to fix it? No wonder he had a shocked expression, he suddenly had to see only he can sort it.

Did you miss the bits in the OP where she has already tried to help and he just says xyz reasons why not?

Wow! So ... I'm a man. I would leave you NOW if you treated me like this. For God's sake, he needs help! And you just seem - to him - like you're not even interested. What's the matter with you? If you don't want to have to support him - support each other - just tell him and let him get out of the situation you're putting him in. Just my perspective ...

Oh, I get this. Sometimes, venting is fine and it's reasonable and you are 100% there to support. Both DH and I vent sometimes and the other one listens and sympathises.

But sometimes, these sort of comments are annoying because 1. there's an expectation that YOU will do more so that he can do LESS and 2. the thing he's whinging about isn't actually true - there's plenty of time for him to have time to himself but instead he faffs about or doesn't use it or can't be bothered to make an effort.

My sympathy dries up in those situations. Both DH and I, when we were fully in the trenches, found ourselves being a bit like this. ie resenting we didn't seem to have time to ourselves, but realising that part of it was that we weren't making the effort. It's better now because we try harder and are more mindful of downtime. A few weeks ago, after a crazy Christmas when we had guests and DH was working, I took the kids out for the day so DH could have some downtime. But he wasted it. But he didn't whine to me - he said afterwards that he was cross with himself because he absolutely HAD this time and didn't take advantage of it. And has been much better since as it was a wake up for him.

I think it is easy when you are the "child manager" especially if you work reduced hours to become the "household manager" and from there the "other adult manager" to a point where these other adults - be that partner, parents or other household/extended family members - somehow loose the ability to think things through and do things for themselves (despite retaining this ability at work) and are some what put out when you don't immediately fix things for them.

@Bensongary I don't get that at all from the OP

Sounds like you lack empathy, you have a very blasé attitude towards your partner.
A relationship needs both partners to compensate for their strengths/weaknesses.
Feeling overwhelmed can lead to various other issues....

YANBU.
You heard him. You empathised. You have clearly offered support in the past which is why he came to you to vent.

I think it's a him issue which he can work through and knows you will support him.

If it it mental health related there is help and advice specifically for.men out there.

If it is just he's tired of adulting and parenting and husbanding, the solution is to work smarter not harder. You've said it- you are not the one stop solution to your household woes. He's an adult. Not a child. Of course you'd be happy to support him in any discussions, but your plate is full. Perhaps some solutions could make it easier for both of you. You are his partner, not his genie in the bottle, his solution is not to release from all these roles and you take that up in addition to your full load, but to find a way together. Say to him explore the work options and we'll explore the parenting and domestic things that we do together to see what can be done to release us both to have some free time. He does need to understand that you are there to support him, but not to shoulder his contribution on a regular basis.

Well done for realising this. It is an epiphany ! YANBU

He has to figure it out on his own, because you're not his mum. It's really unattractive to feel like you have to fix all his problems for him, how can you maintain that spark with him?

You did the right thing ,my husband is good but loves being a martyr,you won't change him, change how react,it's his choice.My husband had an over controling mother you told him how to live,could be the reason

I don't know how many guys are on mumsnet. Or even if I'm allowed to reply. But I was a single part time parent to my 6 year old (we have a 50/50 custody thing with his mum)
Recently my gf moved in with us, and I can relate to your post, I literally have no time to myself. We're either all together as a family. Or I'm at work. (Trying to earn a month's salary, in the two weeks that I don't have my boy.
I have no me time. I'm OK ish with it. But sometimes feel I just want to be alone.
Sorry. I don't really know what the answer is to your post. But maybe just show your partner this thread. Acknowledge him. (Sounds like you have) show appreciation. Share the burden (I know that you do all that already) maybe even ask him to go out with his mates so you can be home with the kids alone to force the issue.
Good luck. You sound like a great team

You will find this behaviour described in https://www.amazon.co.uk/Games-People-Play-Psychology-Relationships/dp/0141040270
It’s a book from way back but your DH’s behaviour is one of several described in it. Basically he’s using the ‘yes but’ response which shifts responsibility away from himself.

I hear you op. I have a moaner but I now refuse to listen. It's the same old and I don't actually think he wants to fix any of the issues - if he was no longer the victim I think he'd wonder who he was and he certainly would t have anything to talk about.

No real help as I haven't solved the issue but I refuse to engage.

I have to say I love your post and it’s honesty and I don’t have the answer! You’re (to me) doing what you can! I’m the main house person whilst also working full time ( my full time hours are less than his) however in my free time I contribute. I only realise this as I’m typing but I leave ‘man’ jobs to him until recently! Now I’m doing the man jobs and the woman jobs (which exceed the 5 extra hours! I don’t know the answer! I feel like I’ve just vented! I feel
like we’re both (you and I) speaking to the wrong people about this

It's possible to be so willing to 'fix things' that you decrease other person's ability to manage. My DH was 30 years my senior and from the start I was eager to save him any disturbance. This was a cultural thing. Then one day he told me, very aggrieved, that I had taken his self-reliance. I had given and he had taken, both with equal pleasure but it had not been to equal benefit. As time passed, I had felt fine and he had felt emasculated.
You are right to step back. It will be better for you and for him.

I saw something a few weeks ago which said “Try substituting I don’t have time with it’s not a priority”. It really points out the mindset shift and makes them realise that these things are actually in their control…I find prioritising tasks quite easy but that is something my DP struggles with so I offer to help with that but try to stop myself from actually taking on the tasks unless it’s very short term relief!

Slightly different though when you're venting about a third party rather than to your wife about your shared domestic duties and shared offspring.

I think your response was spot on OP. If you are the person doing a lot of the home stuff while you are both working then don't let him add to that by making you responsible for sorting his downtime/ social engagements!

Sure let him vent sometimes but why should you listen to prolonged moaning about something he needs to fix?

I think your response probably did shock him so was more effective .

i had a really awful year last year . The most useful person I talked to was a bloke . His response was mate that sucks . Very rarely offered any options are generally there weren’t any . It told me my situation sucked . I think men do respond differently but definitely a change of response will have more effect - even if nothing changes you have put ownership of this problem on him .

Don’t guilt yourself for not finding solutions to a grown man’s problems

Agree with all the responses, however……my DH is also not good at getting his finger out of his arse and changing things, and sometimes it is helpful to intervene. For example he wanted to exercise but never found time. So I went ahead and signed him up for a local Dads 5 a side footie team and told him he was going. Just that first time. Fast forward 10 years he now plays twice a week with the same group, active on the WhatsApp group, goes to the football Christmas/summer curry/beers etc. and has some great mates from it. He just needed a shove to get started!!!

I had a boss once who described another employee by saying he’d “rather bitch about the dark than switch the lights on”. Feels relevant if a little harsh perhaps….

I think you
Made an excellent point, and the strategy is a good one. You might have made it less "throwing down the gauntlet " in delivery.

Yanbu. Claiming no time for yourself even before kids is just silly, who else is in charge of your life if not yourself?! I love the phrase upthread 'You're not on the board of someone else's life's. It sounds like changing your responses to him is long overdue. With a prod to action you can work out if he can reform, or if he's just a perpetual drain rather than a radiator 😬