Looking after Grandchildren

Another poster who thinks it's fine and understandable that you don't want to do it,

You haven't mentioned whether your feeling is that your DH will expect you to help i.e. he'll volunteer thinking he can just palm all the work into you?

Personally I see no reason for you to get involved in the conversation, it's between your DH and his daughter. I would also make sure that if DH books to look after the children in your day off (or asks when your day off is) that you do commit and are not available/go out. I think subtle actions are stronger than words. It's his place to discuss this with you not the other way around.

Lastly I get what you say about him thinking you're mean. The pressure is always on women to do childcare, very rarely men. Society still seems to think that women's time is worth less than men's. How very dare we put ourselves first!

You’re perfectly within your rights to say no to any and all childcare. You didn’t choose to have these children and they aren’t your responsibility.

That said, I do think it’s mean. So far as I can see you’re being asked to do a few ad hoc days not commit to regular childcare. It’s a comparatively small ask to help your step daughter. You’re allowed to say no and discuss your reluctance with your husband it just seems selfish to be willing to offer no full days ever - you’re allowed to be selfish but it’s not very nice.

I think "expected" is the right word. Close family and friends... I expect them to help me out when I'm drowning, when I'm struggling, when I'm at the end of my rope.

And they do the same with me. I expect to help out close friends/family in times of need.

Obviously there are times it's not possible and that's ok. My dad lives miles away and never helps me with anything. It works the other way round too, as my mum ages, I expect to help her more and more.

As a family we all help each other. That's what families do.

I think it is expected these days that family help out.

It should never be ‘expected’.

It's not odd not to want to babysit other people's children.

Do something to make you a less appealing baby sitter. My Mum’s friend taught us how to use a lighter when we were really young. She was never “allowed” to look after us alone again. I think that was part of the plan. My Dad’s aunt tried to feed us asparagus and parma ham in cheese sauce and complained that we wouldn’t eat it. She wasn’t asked to feed us again. Be creative!

I think it is expected these days that family help out.

The last time houses were this expensive compared to salary was 1876. My food bill is regularly £170 a week (used to be £100ish).

It feels like millennials are screwed. Both parents expected to work (often full time), the world is crazy expensive, still paying off our student loan. It's hideous for a variety of reasons. More hideous than 30 years ago. Childcare is expensive.

I mean it's up to you at end of day but it's so much harder these days to be a mother. I almost wish I lived 40 years earlier.

Just say you can't provide childcare due to work commitments.

I think women who have had children and therefore spent years putting in the hard slog of raising them, do often get to a point where we are so tired and just run out of energy to do it again with the next generation.
And we want to catch up on the things we couldn't do earlier, because we were in the thick of it with small children.
I've become increasingly aware of my own mortality and want to do some things just for me now, before it's too late.
I think this is why a lot of posters are being told by their own parents not to expect childcare. And adult kids often do expect it!
Some of my mum's friends are completely knackered looking after young grandchildren, that their kids have had in their 30's, when the gps should really be relaxing and pleasing themselves at this stage.

You need to be honest from the start. If your happy to help in an emergency then say that but also say I am not going to sign up for a permanent arrangement.
one of my friends is going through a similar thing with her daughter. She seems to have gone from the odd looking after to now having them twice a week and they don’t even go to school yet. She moans all the time about it but doesn’t seem to want to tell her daughter “no”.
I have 7 DC and when they are all grown up myself and my DH will be having a week earned rest. I will be there in an emergency but will not commit to being a childminder for my GC

My mother when was very vocal on not providing childcare when I was expecting DD and then DS. And she kept to her word.

They even moved aboard when the kids were toddlers - so couldn't provide childcare.

There were times when I really needed help and she refused. It did hurt but she is mum not my step mum.

yanbu. It’s up to you. But you might, if you felt comfortable, Offer to pick the children up from the odd 3pm finish holiday camp, at her than them stay extended hours every day (or something like that). Ie you might find you’re able to help around the edges, rather than needing to commit a whole day.

The OP isn't saying that she will never help out or be there on emergencies. She's just saying that she doesn't want to drift into a situation where she ends up being expected to help care for the children regularly or for full days. And that's fair enough. They aren't hers and it's natural that she doesn't feel about them the way that their grandad does. She is being perfectly nice and friendly and kind when they visit, she just doesn't want her time to gradually be sucked into providing childcare.

And I think it's a fair concern that her husband leaves time for her too. Yes, he has a child and grandchildren and of course he has a right to see them and to help his daughter. But he also chose to marry the OP, who doesn't have children and he owes her some time and consideration too. This is a situation for him to balance and a natural consequence of blending families.

I do feel for the step daughter too - it's not easy being part of a blended family or feeling like you can't ask your dad for too much help because it imposes on your step mum. And in these families everyone has to bend a bit. But ultimately, childcare is hard and tiring and it's not really fair to ask it of the OP, bar emergencies or an occasional favour.

The kids will feel it too. They're better off with people that want them there and not resentful of their presence esp as they get older. Yanbu

Just let your DH look after them and you carry on working or with your own plans. That's fine if you don't want to look after them but don't stop your DH if he does want to look after his own GC. He's well within his rights to do that.

Agree with others, apart from genuine medical emergencies etc, it’s up to your DH to take leave to facilitate this if he wants to. Don’t feel bad.

You are being more than reasonable. They are so much hard work at the moment. In several years when they get older and you can take them to the cinema or they can play alone at home then they might be ok to look after but until then let your DH do it if he wants to.

If you have no relationship with SD who is asking you to look after these kids? Her or your DH? Either way, YADNBU.

Occasional few hours and emergencies is more than reasonable. Your husband can choose to do more if he would like but don't think this is on you

Agreed. Just be unavailable if you're ever asked. You shouldn't get in the way of your husband taking time off work to do it though, if that's what he wants.

It’s not as clear cut as people are making out on this thread.

“just say no”
”she’ll make other arrangements”

i mean it looks ok on paper, but in reality families help eachother. Often bending over backwards to help. Childcare is expensive and it’s really difficult, particularly for women, when kids are little. The majority of people do have family help with kids.

I would just ask are you real family or not? Do you want to be? You don’t have to be. You can easily say you aren’t comfortable hemping and keep her/them at arms length. But these actions may have consequences in the future. I wonder if your dh feels stuck in the middle of this.

my friend once desperately needed holiday child care and asked her parents. Her parents wanted to help her more than anything. So much so that they even took the child to their hospital appointment (the grandparent’s appointment). They didn’t tell my friend beforehand as she obviously would not have made them do this.

My broken family ruined my childhood and the effects are still happening well into adulthood. Someone will be along in a moment to say they had a great step family/blended family but really it doesn't happen often.

People treat their own flesh and blood more favourably in my experience.

You see this is why I hate divorce. As a child of divorced people, I need to put up with this shit all the time. The stepparents always don't want to get too involved. Same on my husbands side. His dad doesn't get why his wife wants to spend time with her kids and he makes it very clear it's not his "job"

Do what you are comfortable with doing. She won't expect you to drop everything. If you can't do it, she'll make other arrangements, it's no biggie.

No maternal GM should not be “picking up the slack”. The only people who are obliged to look after the children are their parents - there is no “slack” to pick up. Yes, at that age kids are hard work, but that’s what they signed up for. It’s hardly an enormous surprise that children need childcare in the school holidays either.

Yes, it’s great when Grandparents can help, but they are not obliged to. The problem here is not maternal GM!