Help me help my 4 year old

My twins are about to turn 4, and are nowhere near being able to write their names. I didn't realise they should be close to being able to.

I've no concerns with their development. They know all the alphabet and can point at any letter and say what it is. They can write a few random letters - though some maybe written upside down. One twin does "writing", which is squiggles which look like letters. The other twin doesn't hold his pen properly. They can count to 100 and do addition/subtraction in their heads (e.g. 3+3=6, 6-1=5).

Luckily yesterday I got them a letters "wipe clean" book which they love, so will practise more of this, and playing playdoh etc.

This thread is so reassuring! My 4 year old ds starts school in September and has no interest at all in writing or even colouring really. Doesn't hold a pen properly and is still ambidextrous.

We do play doh, beads, sand and water play and are always at the park or soft play. I do try to sit with him and do tracing, "workbooks" with mazes, letter games etc but it's hard going and I don't want to put him off.

I mostly know he'll get there and he's young but my god when all the other parents are talking about how their kids reading harry potter to them and writing war and peace 2024 it's hard not to worry you're not doing enough!

They teach them this when they start reception. It’s great if they can already do it when they start, but it doesn’t give them an advantage at all. They all get there in the end.

DS could read and write before school but couldn't ride a bike/trike till 7, couldn't get dressed, couldn't climb/ballance couldn't cut up food or drink very well from a cup. Couldn't kick a ball. Now older his handwriting is appalling but he's brilliant at football and can climb really high. It all evens out.

She’s just turned 4, it’s a non-issue. There are plenty of children in DS’s reception class who can’t write their name (we get sent lots of photos of their work!).

I’d back off a bit I think. If you push her too much it might just make her more anxious about school and the ‘work’ that comes with it. My DS didn’t know how to write his name either when he started school.

Don’t stress about this. Ava or Tom is going to have an easier time learning to write this name than Elizabeth or Benjamin. Any chance this person’s child has a short name ? Have you seen evidence of her writing her name ? Writing is harder than reading as it takes physical strength in arms and fingers to do it. As others have said, focus on activities that strengthen writing muscles like playdoh and don’t force writing. You don’t want her to be resistant to learning.

In nursery, they encouraged kids in “mark making” That’s apparently the first stage of writing. So say you have a shopping list and she makes a mark next to each item you’ve bought, that’s mark making. If she’s open to activity books like mazes, colouring and where you connect 2 items with a line then that is plenty to get her practicing writing.

Writing and reading are one of those things that they pick up quickly when ready. Keep reading to her, let her see you write and have pens, crayons, pencils available for when she’s in the mood and she will be fine.

Mine were behind when they started school with phonics as they didn’t attend the school nursery as they were in all day childcare who didn’t do a great deal formal education wise (which I was perfectly happy with). DS left secondary with top grades and DD predicted to do the same. I seriously wouldn’t worry and I wouldn’t be pushing and making learning stressful. She’s so young and has plenty of time. I’d be pretty hacked off at your DH’s comments - what’s he doing to help her write her name?

Ah competitive parenting is the worst. Don't stress about things like that at your DDs age or you will stress her out and frustrate yourself. She is only 3. Let her develop her fine motor skills by allowing her access to paper, colouring books, crayons and pencils and eventually she will learn how to do things like write her name. At 3 though they are learning about their own sense of autonomy so the more you push her to do something she doesn't want to do the less she will feel inclined to do it. She will learn at school if she can't do it by then.

Also, my mother always talks about the (excellent) reception teacher l had. In those days, parents were allowed no further than behind the school gates and the teacher would lecture them on what they should be doing. She would say that she didn’t expect the parents to teach their children to read and write as that was her job. Their job was to make sure that we could put on our coats and shoes because, as she said, “I don’t have time to put forty coats on children.”

Let school deal with writing and reading. Concentrate on the stuff that school won't do well. Reading stories 1 to 1, playing outside as much as possible, music, physical exercise, playing on her own with no adult direction, playing 1 to 1 with an adult.

She will literally spend hours writing her name when she's in reception, it's a huge waste of time and totally unnecessary to start doing it now.

My daughter had written her name once, with a lot of help, before starting school. By the end of week 2 she could write it perfectly.

I started school at nearly five. By the end of reception class I was reading fluently and could spell really well. I also found maths quite easy. However, I could hardly write at all. My writing age was about two years behind the other skills. It was years before I could write neatly and I have always been a slow writer but a very quick reader. At primary school I can remember writing was quite physically difficult and painful at times. As an adult, I have come to realise that I have a degree of dyspraxia. I now believe that I had not made up my mind as to which hand I was going to use as l have always been very mixed handed/ambidextrous. In the sixties the thinking was that the right hand should be encouraged in this situation. I think if l had been allowed to wait until I was truly ready to write l would actually have chosen the left hand as l use my left hand for many tasks. Had this made a difference to my life? Not really. At primary school I was at or near the top of the class and at secondary school in top groups. I have had a career as a professional musician. Please don’t worry about your little one. Four is very young to be writing. I think you are doing exactly the right things by encouraging colouring, cutting out and play dough.

She's got the rest of her life to write her name. Just give her crayons and paper to play with. There's no rush.

Just play with her.... So much time when she is at school to learn all the other stuff.
My daughter was a pain in the ass if you tried to do anything structured with her (numbers, letters etc)... But then she started getting interested in these things and there was no stopping her.
She's nearly 7 and was in no way disadvantaged and is doing really well in all areas at school.
In her own time she will do it... No point forcing it... Enjoy the time you have together before she is at school.
The teacher won't judge you that she can't write her own name or read... They start off with picture stories (no words) to bring it all together and start learning to read. .. I think it's easier for them to start off with a clean slate and she will probably do a lot better without mummy being teacher too (I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean kids seem to want to do/please teachers far much more)

My 4 year old decided she wanted to write her name like her big sister so learned before she started school. Older one showed not much interest so I left it. When she started school at 5 she could do 2 letters of her name and that was it. It really doesn't matter either way. Follow her interests and don't push it.

If school nursery aren't worried, you don't need to be.

Again I'll ask, what is HE doing to help her apart from make her mom feel bad

Really interesting thread, thank you for starting it, op.

I must admit I, like your dh, was slightly pushy with getting dd to learn to write her name as I felt she'd need it for the 4+ (we have one school very close to our house which we hoped she'd get into - she did, thankfully).

She learnt to read her name first: we got her really excited every time she recognised her initial letter on a street sign etc "oh look! It's a J for Jane!" [Not her real name] and then progressively all the other letters in her name "oh look an N just like in Jane!"

Then at nursery they wrote her name on the back of every piece of art she made, which is several pieces a day lol, so she wanted to do it herself. I think that was what did it. She can now write it just about legibly although her Y looks more like an I.

There are lots of LEARNING TO WRITE books on Amazon (and others). I used them with my children & grandchildren. Tracing, copying etc with zig zags, swirls etc. Get pretty coloured pens & pencils. Sit with her at the table. You could photocopy some pages so you each do the practice, or buy 2 books. Make it fun, not a chore. It's about handling the pen/cil, not writing her name. As she gets control she will want to do more. Think up games that include letters. When she is more aware of her peers writing their names on their work, she will want to join in.

You really don't need to worry about this. She's not behind, you don't need her to start school ahead of where she's expected to be. Chill. And tell your husband to chill too.

The only thing our school ask is for children to be able to recognise their name written down and you said she can do this.

Yeah sounds about right! My ds genuinely could read when he started school (he absorbed it when older sister was learning, much to her annoyance) but he's autistic so he has plenty of other struggles, I'd rather he be average at reading but find the social side of life easier. Having read at age 3 or 4 doesn't have any benefit to him now at secondary!

She's fine.

Speaking as a reception class teacher, plenty of them can't write their names when they arrive into school. That's completely normal.
I'd say, in an average class, perhaps 20% can write their names pretty well. Another 20% can make a recognisable stab at it. Another 20% can write one or two letters of it, and the other 40% have no clue.

And all the parents of the 3.5-4yos saying they can already read and write sentences, are talking total bollocks.
I've been involved with Reception children on and off for 16 years now, and can only remember 3 who came in already reading (2 of those were on the Autistic spectrum), and ZERO would could write a sentence. And this is across a diverse range of settings, from leafy upper middle class to deprived inner city.

I wouldn’t worry, my 5 year could could write his name when he started school but we had been teaching him the “wrong” way according to the school so he had to relearn which he found quite difficult.

I would defo say build the fine motor skills as this will help.

Dont listen to other mums, most children who can “read” at that age are doing so from memory rather than actually blending the words.

You don’t need to do the school’s job, that’s for the school to do.
Your job is to raise a happy, confident child who can do things appropriate for their age. Can she feed herself, drink from a glass, dress/undress herself, take turns with other children, take herself to the loo, talk clearly about her feelings etc? Yes? You are doing a great job.
Your husband on the other hand seems hell bent on undermining your daughter to have already learned the things she is going to learn next year. Maybe have a conversation with him about how inadequate he feels and projecting that on his daughter.

A lot of parents say a lot of things.

She's 4, she should be playing not working.