Am I being awful here?

So just let him do it. He's a grown adult. You (and probably the other women in his life, mothers/aunts/sisters) have done it all for him. Next time he asks you how to make fish sauce...."You're a grown man, I know you can figure it out". Can't figure put how to make a simple cup of coffee? Let him crash around until it gets done. How does this website work? "I don't know but I trust you'll figure it out". Eventually, he'll either get used to doing stuff for himself or you wake up and leave him.

Did the 21 years just start adding up and life got in the way?

I've heard this so often from people, usually with deep regret. (Ignore if painful or intrusive.)

IME this is one of those “once you’ve seen it, you can’t un-see it” relationship issues - all the tiny incompetencies will start to grate on you more and more as time goes on. It can be deeply unattractive to have someone depending on you in a child-like/pathetic/submissive way (unless you’re into being dominant!). Even if you adore your partner in other ways, it becomes a turn-off. Sadly my first partner was like this - I stayed too long, hoping he’d grow out of it - but he never did. The patterns were set early in our relationship and I just got so weary in the end I walked away. I broke both our hearts when I did - it was like kicking a puppy.

my husband of 21 years is like this... its exhausting

This sill only get worse if you have kids. Cal it out now, see if it changes, and if it doesn't, give up.

I had one like that. Utterly useless. Mind you, it turns out it wasn’t just performative - everything I’ve seen in the twelve years since we split has reinforced my belief that he really is as useless as he seemed.

Run, don’t walk. It’s exhausting and ultimately a right turn-off.

I think you’ve just got the ick - and once it comes it doesn’t usually go away 😫

It's sometimes called weaponized incompetence - you are doing the bulk of the mental load as well as doing the other stuff you mentioned.

He surely knows how to make a cup of instant coffee? Depending on the hotel, they may even have a nespresso machine in the room so it's not rocket science.

Organising the other stuff just shows a complete detachment of him from the situation and he leaves it up to you because he knows you will end up doing it.

I don't think that I could be with someone who is like this as I think I'd lose respect for them over time.

I think it depends how much he does for you. What is he better at than you?
The cooking can easily be sorted, stop doing it all.
Different subject, I’m crap at hotel coffee machines and would be the one crashing around.
I think if you’re already seeing cracks in your relationship then it’s not a good sign.

You want an equal partner in life.

He wants a chef, a housekeeper, a secretary and a sex toy, all rolled into one human being; you.

Tell him to act like a partner because otherwise what's in it for you?

He's like a weighted rucksack you have to carry around, rather than someone who shares the burden of life's tasks with you; he's making your life harder whilst you make his life easier - why would anyone continue with that?

You have to balance whether these small things are worth putting up with for the value that he adds to your life. Sometimes my dp is useless but he is very pure and caring and puts a lot of effort into our relationship. And I have to consider my downfalls that probably annoy him a lot, but I obviously add enough value that it's worth it

My exdp used to be like this. How do I use this website? Can you book this for me? How do I order this? How do I cook a bloody stir fry? Yet he also had good points- he done all the DIY, garden and car stuff as well as alllllllll the ironing!!

Dp on the other hand- Cooks, cleans, does DIY, books us trips away, orders me surprises, decorated, Sorts out his own accounts.attempts to do something himself even if he finds it difficult. It’s soooo much easier!

Heaps of men are like this. Personally I can't stand it. Nothing more sexy than competence.

Personally I wouldn't find this annoying and I'd find it sweet and would love being able to help him out.. But if its annoying you , then leave now!! It's going to annoying you more over time. Or at least have a chat with him first , tell him how you feel see if he can step up a bit!!

You'd be crazy to have a baby with someone who is so useless.

OP - you are doing well, do not give up. Be brutal and genuinely angry at these behaviours. ‘I’m leaving the room now. You can do it. Don’t ask me again’. Etc.

It can be cured. It just requires you to recognise it for what it is.

Some people are not good with ‘stuff’. I’m not, but I feel strongly about managing so do try.

He might be just not practical, he might be indulging in learned helplessness. But you find it annoying and it gives you the ick.

I was very senior at work, took huge responsibilities in knife edge negotiations, etc. Sometimes at home I long for a hugely practical, energetic DIYer of a man to move in and look after me…

Performative and strategic incompetence - as other PPs say. No difficulties in the workplace, only in a domestic or social setting.

It wears very rapidly and it's difficult to maintain adult attraction to someone who behaves like this.

Don't have children or you'll be looking at this list (see current thread).

https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist

I'm sorry OP, but I do feel that the things you mention are really trivial tbh. If he's a good partner, who is kind and generous, but a little hopeless at times, is that such a deal breaker? Really? I can't believe that people are telling you to dump him!! There are so many worse things that a partner could be!

My OH is lovely. He's kind, generous and wonderful with my kids (he's not their dad). He is ND so struggles with life admin and paperwork, plus due to being kicked out of his home as a young teen he has always struggled to understand a lot of life admin stuff. So I help him with this part, as I'm good at it. He always pays his way and is happy to do so, and he is helpful around the house.

This reminds me of a friend of mine. I’m very fond of him, but he had taken strategic incompetence to a whole new level. His wife literally did everything involving the house, the children, household admin, finances. She proposed and arranged their wedding, including looking up addresses for all his friends (with whom he’d fallen out of touch) etc. and, when she eventually gave up, she had to send him rental listings and arrange the removal van.

Weaponised incompetence
can’t work out a website? Yeah, right

I think it depends on if he’s consistently useless. My OH is dyslexic so filling out forms or anything admin related he’s terrible. He’s very good in other ways though so we just organise responsibilities which play to our strengths. As such I don’t feel like I do everything.

When I was at school a male teacher told us about how his wife sent him to do the shopping with a list and he half-arsed it thinking he wouldn’t be asked again. She gave him all the wrong items to take back then and there, and a new list, and repeated this several times (he went to the shop something like four times in one day!) until it was right.

He said he now does things right first time because she will make him repeat it until it’s what she asked him to do.

Break the cycle - don’t step in when he struggles! He needs to learn to figure it out himself. It may well be a lack of confidence and wanting to avoid disappointing you.

If it’s annoying you now it will always annoy you. Time to move on.

I’d just start replying with “google it” and nothing else to see how that pans out! Particularly with things like how to work a coffee machine, how to cook X, how to rescue a sauce etc.

This is what my DH used to do with me if I asked for help with anything technical and it sure did work because it was annoying getting the same reply each time!! 😅