The dad privilege checklist

Sorry to come over all "Not my Nigel", but... not my Nigel. Reading that list made me appreciate him all the more.

I feel like there's not usually very much nuance around the topic and both 'sides' (feminist/men's advocates) mostly seem to have the same old canned answers.

It always seems to go:

-100 women are murdered each year!
-Yeah, but nearly as many men kill themselves every month!
-Yeah, but women attempt it more.
-Yeah, but that's often a cry for help. White working class men are bottom of the pile, no surprise they kill themselves!
-Oh please! Patriarchy, CEOs, Bill Gates, blah blah blah.
-How dare you! 85% of homeless people are men!
-That's because the streets are too dangerous for women. Only men have a chance of survival.
-Oh, but men are 4x more likely to be attacked by a stranger.
-Oh, but who's attacking them? It's not us women!
-Is that victim blaming I hear? Is a gay/black/etc male responsible for a hate crime directed at him by another male? There are other demographics and distinctions between solely male/female, you know. Religion and ethnicity drive far more atrocities.

And round it goes ad infinitum....

Some of the stats are interesting but what puts me off all these 'isms' is that so many of them have just become almost soundbites and people playing top trumps with canned arguments. I feel like people sort of get forced down these set thought paths and start to lose the ability to think for themselves or consider ideas that challenge the accepted group narrative.

But that's just my opinion....

But to play devil's advocate, we as a society elevate 'strong' men and it's consistently proven that we're attracted to assertive men. So it's hardly surprising men try to keep up the facade.

I'm aware of the 'women attempt suicide more' statistic and I'm never sure how to take it. With domestic violence we tend to look at the number of deaths (severity is prioritised) and this is used to determine that women are more severely affected. The fact that women are more likely to lash out and comprise 70% of perpetrators of one sided violence in quite a few studies isn't really seen as significant as the men aren't dying, presumably because an attack from a woman is much less likely to kill than the reverse.

But when it comes to male suicide it's less about the number of deaths and instead intent/attempts to harm seem to be regarded as equally significant.

I feel there's a bit of disparity going on and I wonder if the stereotype of seeing women as more vulnerable is a factor - ironically something that probably contributes to men receiving less empathy and being less likely to want to admit they're struggling.

There's actually a thread running now where some hapless woman is being fleeced and manipulated into giving her dh money she can't afford whilst earning mw and running the home. And her name isn't even on the house deeds! Damp council flat at age 50 anyone?

No, scuttles off to work whilst ignoring what's going on at home. Don't forget the mother is expected to return to work as well at some point. Men rarely seem to provide these days judging by posts on here. It's not the 1950s. Double income is generally needed to run a home now.

Yeah, just like women (and mothers) do and look after everyone's needs at the same time.

“scuttles off to work”

= Goes out daily to exchange his labour to earn money to feed, clothe and house his family.

Aren't you a star. It's a social contract isn't it - birthdays, funerals, weddings all involve things that are for the benefit of all those attending, along with a bit of personal pride in how it looks.

Correction. Replace people with other women.

Had disagreements with ex-DW over not helping with children's party planning. Happy to do the 20% child related but in reality 80% of the time/cost was the female equivalent of willy-waving.

When DS was born, we received a gift of a vest which said something like 'instructions for dad' and then had arrows pointing upwards saying 'head' and then to the left and right with 'arms'.

Apparently we were supposed to find it funny.

how have we arrived at the point where dads "get a pass" or its seen as a bit humorous that he doesnt know his kids date of birth, or what school year they're in? I agree people would be appalled if a mother didn't know that about their own kids

The dad privilege in that situation is that he’d likely get some flexibility on this. Poor, hapless man who doesn’t know his own children’s dates of birth, etc.

Whereas a mother in the same situation would be met with radically increased suspicion because how could she now know her own children’s dates of birth?

This is how things usually go:

Couple get married - the man does a reasonably good job of demonstrating that he's housetrained, can brush his teeth, hold down a job and perhaps even work the washing machine. He may even be able to cook a couple of meals. Woman thinks "yeah, he's okay, I can cope with this".

Brief honeymoon period the children start arriving. Man scuttles off to work each day and doesn't really think about what's going on at home ignores his wife's stress. Woman starts to realise that motherhood is actually really hard work, boring and mentally draining especially when junior number two turns up and things get even harder. No family around to ease the burden or offload to. Meanwhile the man expects his wife to return to work to help cover the mortgage and bills, so she ends up with even more to do. The balance tips in completely the wrong direction and his marriage is living on borrowed time now.

The couple potters on like this for a while whilst the resentments and hurt build up. She's always tired, overwhelmed and unfulfilled and he can't understand why she's not the carefree, alluring female he married. He starts to look elsewhere and finds another woman. Wife is dropped in it and finds herself alone with two or three children to deal with, having to support them by herself and hold down a job. She gets angry. Ex husband sees the anger and labels her a 'crazy ex'. Marries woman number two and the cycle starts again.

All because he couldn't be arsed to grow up and take equal responsibility for the children he wanted and helped to produce. If you want to have the privilege of passing your genes on you have to pay the price by putting the work in, not leaving it to someone else.

When we came through customs in the airport once, my husband was randomly stopped and asked the dates of birth of the kids. Imagine if he didn’t know!

It’s mad. Women aren’t born knowing this stuff. They learn and get on with it. Yet these poor men, of reasonable intelligence and functioning in the workplace, need ‘training’. Bless them.

Exactly. If more people took spl then things would be more equal. The opportunity for weaponised incompetence with child-rearing would be less. More men might work part-time. There could be an impact on the gender pay gap.

Women want to be the ones to stay home and either not work, or work part-time. And so it continues. And we end up with lists like this.

Women are more likely to attempt suicide and also more likely to be diagnosed with depression.

Men are more successful when attempting suicide. The means they choose are often more likely to end in death. In the US, they are more likely to use firearms.

It is not women's fault that men hesitate to go to a doctor to address depression - they have set up the toxic machismo that has trapped them, and the binary in which all things feminine are considered weak while all things masculine are considered strong and valuable (including steering clear of doctors of all stripes).

And yet there's an epidemic of men around 50 committing suicide.

Similar @Fizbosshoes . I remember the first time we took DD abroad and I was super stressed thinking about nappies and food and taking formula through passport control. I had big mental checklists going on.

I mentioned one night about this checklist and ex simply said "oh I'm just not going to worry about it". I can remember thinking "oh he's right I shouldn't be worrying about it either." Then it hit me that one of us HAD to worry about it and it turned out it was going to be me.

Motherhood is indeed mandatory.

I don't agree with the entire list but several points definitely ring true.
I used to notice when we went out anywhere, DH checklist for leaving the house : wallet, phone, keys, hat (beanie in the winter, cap in the summer)
Sometimes hed get really impatient with me taking too long to get ready or leave. I remember once we went to the beach and he had his wallet, phone, keys, hat checklist while I sorted out beach mats, towels, hats for the kids etc and a million other things. Then we would be 5 min down the road and he'd ask "have we got sunscreen? what about sun hats for the kids? "

I know there'll be people who say leave him to it, or get him to pack. I tried that, wed arrive with hardly anything and waste half a day (and money) buying stuff we already had at home!

I would like to thank the OP for introducing me to that blogger lady, her site has given me some good cackles this evening.

TIL trans women have dad privilege for not being able to breastfeed their children.
Very based 🤣

I don’t think there’s much victim blaming going on (no doubt there’s the odd post so I won’t say none!) - more a sentiment of, if your partner is shit, then leave them. Why stick around and be resentful and unhappy? A lack of understanding of why women put up with feckless husbands. (Im not talking about more complicated abusive situations in which there is a whole lot more to worry about than who wraps the presents.)

I loved my dad - best dad ever. Fun and supportive and involved. But, yes, I remember him struggling to remember my date of birth. I’d be ashamed if I couldn’t remember that basic fact about my kids. The two most important dates in my life. Giving birth is a huge deal.

The dad at the dentist example is an illustration of why not knowing stuff - like dates of birth, milestones, etc matters. You do need to know things and you get asked about these things by HCPs when you see them.

I’d be absolutely mortified if I struggled to answer questions about my children’s date of birth or such like.