Friend’s comment

I know Mum's who worked in child care and as nannies, they've all said being a Mum isn't the same at all. I think you have some insight, but doing these things as a parent is different to doing them as a job.

I'm a childminder and a single parent to 2. I work 50 hours and my DC are with me full time.

I adore the childminded kids but I do not worry about how much it costs to feed them, what time they will go to bed, buying their clothes, getting them to the childminder on time, doing other school runs for older children. They do not take up head space.

My own are now teens but I've had my fair share of sleepless nights and school runs. I'm a taxi driver until ungodly hours. I have parents evenings and forms to fill in and teachers to speak to and clothes to buy. I lie awake at night worrying about them.

As teens, I hardly see them even though the mental load and organising is still there. And I can assure you that the 50 hours I spend with 3 or 4 preschoolers without stopping, does not make me as tired and stressed as my own children make me.

Also, if the children you nanny for are both in KS1, you have a lot of time during the day when they are both at school to get things done! Which is quite possibly true of your friend, too- you don't say whether she has any pre-school aged children. Perhaps you could just agree that you both have it easier than working parents! (Of which I am not one, incidentally- I'm a SAHM of a 13 month old and absolutely feel that I have it easier than parents in families where both parents work.)

OP, when you post on AIBU, people expect that you have included all relevant information in the original post. Of course it is relevant that you had custody of a child for two years (does your friend know this?), and that your friend is a SAHM, but it's not fair to leave these out of your original post and then get angry that people didn't somehow guess it (as you seemed to with the first relevant fact). Dripfeeding doesn't do posters any favours, as it just makes other posters suspect that they are fabricating things in response to comments not going their way.

For what it's worth, I think your friend was being ridiculous and moany, but it is also a bit ridiculous and moany of you to claim you never get to have lazy days- I assume you don't work 365 days a year? Both you and your friend seem to be trying to make it a competition of who has it hardest- there will never be a winner!

People say all sorts of things that they haven't really thought through or really considered the impact on the recipient. I've said many things I cringe about including something similar to your friend's comment. I wish i hadnt . Don't give too much thought to it. Everyone's life is different and it's not a competition. If she is otherwise a sound friend chalk it up as one of those things that you see differently but probably won't help to thrash it out.

Yep. This.

@CharlotteMakepeace honestly what are you talking about, things used to be so much harder for mothers? You mean the generations where many women had a choice of whether to stay at home? When you could get your mum to help you with your children as not only was she not working until 67 just to survive in fact she had never worked? A time when paid childcare didn't cost you an arm and a leg? A time when housing was actually affordable and people weren't desperately scraping by despite well paid jobs because wages have been heavily outstripped by house price rises? A time when government expenditure on working age people was much higher than that on OAPs, when child benefit went to everyone not just some? YABU. Of course there are always pluses and minuses of different times (thank god for dishwashers!) but the idea mothers used to have it harder is just nonsense.

Then arguably OP, you have it worse because there's an element of stress in being responsible for someone else's children, that you don't feel when looking after your own.

Unless your friend is a sahm there is no comparison. If she works outside the home ,then she'd have to do her work and then all the things that you do as a nanny (and more) on her spare time AFTER her full time job and during weekends.

Exactly this @MartinsSpareCalculator and @CharlotteMakepeace

I really don't understand why people have to play the 'parent trump card'.
Parenting is pretty much exactly as I imagined it to be before I became one.

And I imagine as a nanny, you're not some kind of monster who has no emotional connection to your charges whatsoever.

Even in my NCT group there's someone who likes to make out like it's sooo much harder for her than everyone else.

Some people just always have to be the victim and the 'I chose to procreate' excuse is a classic.

I applaud your comment. You are spot on.

This.

Competitive “I have it the hardest” moaning. i wouldn’t get involved OP.

*such

She doesn’t know what it’s like being a nanny and you don’t know what it’s like being a parent. Question is, why has this hit suck a nerve with you?

You've asked people's opinion and now you're being rude because you don't like the answers.

Yanbu

I'm not a fireman but I've a pretty good understanding that it's a stressful and hard job.

Your friend is one of those women who likes to moan about how hard it all is when in reality she simply doesn't make enough effort and is resentful of having to do what she feels are mundane tasks in raising her child.

Every time she whinges just roll your eyes and say, "You'll have to have little Susie/Johnny adopted if you can't cope!" Then change the subject.

Women have become such dreadful moaners nowadays despite things being a lot easier than previous generations. Just bloody get on with it like we all did and our mothers before us!

I’m sorry but I agree that being a parent is something that you can’t truly understand until you’ve been one. As a nanny you have a much closer idea than someone in a different job but doing a lot of the tasks involved in parenting is very different to being a parent.

This thread makes me think you don't understand really. You can relate to a certain extent. But from having a child from birth till there grown up, trying to keep a job and work with them. Up in the night with them when there sick. It's relentless. There's different phases and challenges at each age to deal. Parents never get a chance to go joke at 7 and then relax for the evening. They don't get always get regular jobs. You're working a job, which is demanding and gives you a taste of it, and you have looked after others for two years. I used to help out with my siblings, thought I had an idea but ohhhhh how wrong was I! So kindly you do not understand how relentless it is and hard it is.

Parents like this get on my tits. You can't do right for doing wrong with them because they want constantly validating and to have smoke blown up their arse for living the same life as most people around them.

I know being an astrophysicist is hard, but I don't do it myself. I understand that the pressure on parents can be immense without going and flogging myself.

The friend and the OP weren't comparing whether it's harder to be a parent or a nanny though. They were just talking about all the logistical stuff you have to do for kids and the OP does understand very well what it's like to do school runs and homework and cobble together costumes.

I'd say that you probably don't completely understand what it's like to have your own kids, but that you probably have alot more insight and understanding of how much effort is needed balancing a busy working and family life than the average person without children.