My poor dog

Speaking as someone who ADORES dogs, I think YABU.

It's not about how much you loved your dog, it's just about the fact that people don't always know what the best thing is to do in that situation - regardless of whether it's a pet or any other loss.

One of my colleagues lost her dad a couple of years ago and she actually found it really, really hard when people offered their condolences when she came back to work. She just didn't want to talk about it. Every time it was mentioned, she just felt tearful. People meant well, of course, but actually they just upset her more. That wasn't their fault - they weren't to know she didn't want to talk about it. But equally, your partner's kids weren't to know that you did want to hear their condolences - they didn't want to bring up a subject you might have found upsetting. It isn't their fault that this isn't you preferred way of doing things.

I'm really sorry you lost your dog, but you are being incredibly harsh on your partner's kids and making this into something it isn't.

I think you're being totally unreasonable.

The dog lived with you for 9 months.

The young people do not live with you and have a limited relationship with you. They visit your house to see their father.

I have no idea why you think they need to console you (an adult) for your sadness at the death of your pet. It wasn't their pet, it wasn't their father's pet.

I can imagine the conversation back at their mothers if they told her you were expected her to call you to 'express condolences'

As an aside yes us Brits are super awkward about death but as someone who lost a parent quite young can I urge people to see that avoiding the elephant in the room is waaaaaaaaay more awkward than talking about the death.

The approach is always use now when a friend has lost a loved one is “So do you want to talk about it? If you do I’ll talk as much as you want but if not I promise to keep schtum”. That way you aren’t upsetting or offending anyone!

Name change fail OP?

Having read this I think you’re expecting too much from 2 children and a young adult who you, by your own admission, don’t have a relationship with. Also I would expect a stepparent to condole a child about the loss of a pet - parent/child dynamics are something of a double standards but for a good reason.

Other way around I think - dog belonged to the brother and for whatever reason he couldn’t care for it so the OP had the dog for 9 months or so before it died

Sorry your dog passed away OP. That's really tough.

I think if I had passed on my condolences via message I would have assumed they would be passed on to you and then I can see not wanting to bring it up in person in case it upset you. Especially given the age of those involved I can see them feeling awkward/ unsure of how to address this appropriately. I would try and move on and not take this personally. I would imagine the last thing the kids wanted to do was upset you further.

I have two kids in upper teens/early 20s and I am not sure that they would have brought it up in these circumstances you mention. Especially since they had already offered their condolances to your partner.

You say that you don't have a relationship with them, you had the dog for less than a year and teens are terrible when it comes to offer support to unrelated adults. That side developes much later in life for most of them and comes with a bit of life experience. I think you are expecting way too much from them.

Their lack of empathy could never detract from the good times you shared with your dog. You made sure he spent his last days loved and comforted.

I lost 2 stone when my boy died and years later tears still fall for him (but in a nice way). How lucky we are to have experienced that mutual unconditional love.

Sorry for you loss, OP. Spoil yourself in whichever ways you can.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dog but I think you're being way too sensitive. Feeling disrespected and expecting your partner's ex to text you is way over the top.
How can you not have a relationship with his children after five years?

I think this would be an ideal moment for your DP to talk to them about how to talk to grieving people. They need to understand that their awkwardness is not the priority.

I notice you said you don't have a relationship with them - at all? Even though you live with their dad?

Oh dear yes you are being too sensitive. I’ve never ever gotten in touch with any friend who has had their pet pts because when it was me I didn’t want to talk about it at all. I think you do need to grow up a bit though - why in earth would you expect to hear from your DP ex?

I just spotted the bit about you being upset his ExW didn’t text you - is there a significance of the relationship there OP?

Ah OP I’m sorry to hear about your pooch. I used to have dogs and won’t anymore for various reasons including it being so tough when they pass on.

I think some people are super awkward around death and are terrified that someone will cry in front of them. People are quite involved in their own lives and problems and just forget that others are going through the same. Plus 2 of them are just teenagers and so they get extra self-absorbent ‘points’ by nature of being a teen! Right now you’re grieving and therefore probably more sensitive than usual so I would just give it time and not dwell on how other people’s reactions (or lack thereof).

As an aside, 2 of your your SC (kind of SC) are still quite young and their dad lives with you - you say you don’t have a relationship with them, I really think you should make the effort. 5 years is a long time to build up a relationship and it’s a shame that it hasn’t got past what seems like pleasantries and small talk. Perhaps if you were closer they’d have been more confident to share their condolences? A good reason to start building a relationship up now!

Thank you All. My dog wasn't a fish that was in a fish bowl; she was very much part of our household. She was everywhere and a member of the family. I think it is social etiquette to say something. I passed on my condolences when their bearded dragon died. Regarding the ex, she comes over with the kids regularly, and she knows that I don't have any friends and family here and that I only live in this town because of my boyfriend. I work from home, too, so I don't see anyone. Everyone who ever met her has passed on their condolences, even colleagues of my partner who did not meet her but knew we had a dog and acknowledged her death. I think it's just rude not to say something. You can say I don't know what to say to you, and still say a million things. I think it's a cultural thing.

I did something similar. I’m autistic and at the time was useless socially. I asked if my neighbour had got rid of her dogs (they’d died😳😳😳).

She clearly hated me after that. I’ve always adored dogs too and have two bichons almost glued to me 24 hours a day!

Luckily I now have exceptional social skills as I’ve worked very hard on them!

They’re quite young and don’t have the social skills to know how to deal with this. I’m sorry but it’s a bit childish of you to expect them to offer words of comfort.

My two are autistic so maybe slightly different, but it wouldn’t occur to them to say anything. (One of them would be upset if you explained to him how upset you were.) I’d be really upset if their dad’s new partner expected comfort from them and went off in a strop because she didn’t get it. Your expectations are too high.

I am very sorry about your dog (I have two dogs and I adore them) but my feelings about them are my responsibility. I acknowledge that I may be coming from a place of never having received comfort for anything though and I’m used to it.

Yes I think you are being too sensitive and expecting a lot.
The dog had not even lived with you a year.
And the kids are young
But I think expecting people to extend sympathies is a lot....especially if you Don't really have a relationship.

his children are probably being truthful when they say they didn't want to upset you, but probably mean they didn't want to deal with anything emotional.

none of the children I know in that age bracket would have said anything either.

and what's with expecting HIS EX to get in touch, I wouldn't even expect it if a parent had died.

Especially when you've only had the dog a few months.

i know how heartbreaking it is, but I think YABU expecting people you're not close to, to say/do anything.

"...he asked the oldest who said he didn't say anything as he didn't want to upset me."
There's your answer right there.
They came over for dinner, and obviously didn't want to bring it up incase it upset you more. Sounds like they were being respectful of your feelings to me.

From your OP you have only had the dog since April last year. Is that right?That's not that long for them to have built up much of a relationship with her.

Im very sorry for your loss but I think you are being a bit U.

No wonder you’re upset OP, I do feel for you. 💐
Maybe they didn’t want to upset you by mentioning it and reminding you.
People can be so callous and thoughtless, though.

I actually had a non-doggy person say to me, after the dog we’d had for 14 years had been PTS, ‘Oh, well, you can always get another.’ As if we’d had the Tv nicked or something. 😰

Sorry for your loss, it is devastating and I am still grief stricken 2 years in from the loss of my beloved cat.

Honestly though, I would not expect teens and young adults if that way to understand your grief, or to know how to sensitively express their condolences. It's actually a very sophisticated and nuanced skill that most adults even struggle to get right all the time. Death is still a very taboo subject. Many people do not acknowledge pet deaths as the same as human deaths, although thats not true for so many people, myself included. Accept that they didn't want to upset and focus on taking care of yourself.

I said he still should've said something
You can’t control what others do and not everyone can be expected to behave as you would, especially a young adult who still hasn’t fully got the skills to maybe deal with some things yet.

His ex hasn't even messaged me
I’m not sure I would expect her to tbh.

They all knew how much my dog meant to me and I feel like they just tolerated her as they do me and I feel so disrespected.
I think in your grief you have latched onto a perceived slight and it’s disproportionately made you aggrieved over them not acting how you wanted them to.

I’m very sorry for your loss, I am still devastated by the loss of my pet. It hurts that no one understands how much the grief hurts and just carries on, but I accept his death is only hugely devastating to me, as the loss of your dog is to you.
I hope your heart heals a little soon

Some people see animals almost as people, whereas others see them as "just animals", and it wouldn't occur to them that the loss of a pet you acquired last year could be that big a deal. I've noticed this many times, and the upset it causes to "animal people", but I don't think any harm is meant by it, so try not to view them as heartless. They genuinely don't understand how upset you are.

But the dog didn't even live with you until it's final year? Your brother kept it for you?