I'll preface this with the fact that DH is generally a wonderful husband and father. He in incredibly loving and patient and generous and will always go out of his way to be a real 50/50 partner, be that with early starts, sharing the parental load as best we can (he'll always get up early with the kids for instance, and does most of the nursery drop offs and pick ups despite working full time). We've been married for almost 15 years and he is my absolute rock.
But. He has lied to me, on multiple occasions, about finances. At first it was to cover up a drinking problem, which I obviously knew he had, but he wasn't ready to admit to. With a lot of support from myself and others he has overcome and is now 4yrs sober. Something I am hugely proud of him for. But that drinking problem got him into significant debt which he didn't reveal to me. When he got sober he came clean and told me of the loan and credit card debt, totalling around 10k, all repayable within 2y he said. 2y came and went and I presumed it was paid. It's now 2y on and I find out it's not repaid and there's still around 10k to repay so there must have been significantly more at the outset. His company has recently gone bust and he hasn't been paid a salary for around 6m. He initially kept this from me for 2 months, contributing to the family finances as he usually would but only now I find out it was through a credit card. Obviously this was unsustainable and we he revealed the issue we started paying all the bills from our savings, which are almost depleted. I earn money too but not as much as he does, and my salary isn't enough to cover the mortgage and childcare costs. He put off finding a new job as he was sure the money would come in. It didn't and he has admitted he should have got a new job months ago rather than only starting to look now, when we have little savings left to fall back on. He's also revealed that he's been living in his overdraft for 3y. Again, something he kept from me.
He was on a 90k salary, which to me is a huge amount, but is so bad with money that he couldn't budget his spendings. He lives a champagne lifestyle, which I presumed was because he could, but it's become apparent that he couldn't afford half of it. I, on the other hand, would rather save than spend. It gives me far more of a thrill to see savings mounting up and shop in the likes of new look than it does to buy fancy things and not have any savings. Of course I enjoyed the holidays and all the rest of the things DH was spending money on, but only because I thought he could afford it and it was never overly lavish. My salary is far below his and I obviously had a very naive view of what 90k can afford, as it's clearly not the lifestyle we've enjoyed. He's always been this way, his family joke he was always awful with money. But the issue is the lies he's told me, the fact that he's kept the loan amount and credit card bills and overdraft secret from me, whilst the debt mounts up and up. We've always said we share finances and so it came as a shock that he wasn't being open and honest with me. He says he was embarrassed about the whole thing but now I don't feel I can trust him with money and am questionning whether he really does earn £90k or that's an exaggeration, whether the total debt is bigger than the 20k he's admitted to (he initially said it was 8-10k), whether there are more credit cards with payments due. It really worries me as we share a mortgage and have two children.
The crux is I asked him to prove he was being honest with me about the level of debt he now admits to. I've asked to see bank statements showing the figures and the repayment plan. But he won't show me. AIBU? We are very close to having to ask my grandfather to help us with money when our savings run out as until he starts getting paid again my salary cannot cover all of the outgoings (grandfather is in a position to help, financially, and has offered to do so as he is aware that we are living off our savings). Or we default on the mortgage. I cannot believe we're in this situation. I feel cross that he hasn't been honest with me and cross that he didn't up sticks and get a paying job sooner when he realised the company was going bust, but I can't turn back the clock and he recognises he's been a fool. But am I being unreasonable to not be able to trust him with the finances and to want to see the debt in black and white? Or is he unreasonable not to show me the level of debt he (and realistically "we" as we are a partnership) owe?