10 year old won’t stop crying

Maybe dh needs to learn that keeping a strict house where he is into her for room is less important than his dd absolutely crying her heart out for fear of being left with him.
How embarrassing for him and how devastating.

Haven't RTFT and I'm not sure of all the context here - but for what it's worth....

I went away for a weekend when my DTs were 6 or 7. No worries beforehand but when they and DH saw me and my friend off at the train station DD suddenly burst into hysterical tears! DS then joined her. Dh and and I were gobsmacked - but assumed they were just behaving as they felt they ought to (I hadn't really left them before) and it was what they felt was 'appropriate behaviour' rather than genuine concern.

DH said they cried all the way home and refused to be consoled for ages. Then once everything was settled, I rang a few hours later and DH said they started it all again.......

Honestly - they are the least fazed kids about anything - but I think maybe they were just exploring how they felt they ought to react? Might your DD be doing the same if you haven't left her before?

If so - then I shouldn't worry too much.

(Obviously if she has other types of anxiety etc then you may need a different approach, but ultimately she will need to experience separation, so this may be a good - if tricky - opportunity......)?

Good luck!

It sounds like separation anxiety, I would ask her what worries her about, been at home with out you? Then try and problem solve her worries. My son has anxiety as a default setting, even a simple shopping trip to town, could be a anxiety nightmare. First, it's the bus ride to town, how he sees it, the bus could crash and hurt everyone on board. To you and me that sounds far fetched, but that is how he sees it.
So what she says might seem far fetched to you, but it isn't to her, I would definitely tell her, you could do a video call, do you have a bedtime routine, like reading her a story? If you do, I would stick to it, so read her a story either on video call or over the phone.

Probably something every single mother has experienced with a daughter - but never widely spoken about. They ALL get tearful towards the end of Junior School. All of them. I've had three daughters. None of them especially tearful. But every time. Around the age of ten. (Not at the point of starting Secondary school or something stressful). But the final year of Junior School. And it doesn't seem to be related to the realisation of leaving school. It's way before then. So many mothers have spoken to me about their concerns for their daughters suddenly becoming weepy and "fragile". But the girls all get weepy at that age. They cry for no reason and every reason. Hormones! I don't really know what it is. You give them a hug and reassure them. And carry on as normal. It's just a phase. They all seem to go through it. And come out the other side. But mum guilt! They are genuinely fragile. Hug them. Love them. Reassure them. Believe in them. They will come through this stage.

I say this as someone who works with children with anxiety. Constant reassurance makes it worse. Explain to her what will happen when you leave when you are back who will take care of her. Write it down if that helps. Then gently refuse to discuss any further and refer her to what you have written. Of course if she has any reason to worry about her Dad looking after her then that is completely different.

I’m shocked that you think there is a good enough reason to lie to a 10 year old about having surgery. It comes across like you just don’t want to be inconvenienced by her reaction, so you’d rather avoid that all together.

She is going to find out about the surgery. Imagine the hurt and betrayal. She is not a baby that you can distract with a new toy or a treat.

At 10, things like this really shape your view of trust. And you should be able to trust your own mother always.

Anyway, I hope the surgery goes well and she cheers up a little for you.

Does her brother bully her?

This is spot on.

If telling her that you're having surgery will cripple her with fear you need to address that, rather than lie to her to avoid the hard parenting.

You are sweeping very real issues under the carpet, and they won't stay there forever.

My youngest is 4 but I’m getting the vibe that this is the loveable alien I am
going to get in the future too. I’ve read all your responses but not everything that people have said to you.
If it’s not incompatible with the future surgery perhaps wine and earplugs? Best of luck with it x

It does sound like quite extreme anxiety. Have you thought about/are you taking her to see a psychologist?

I was the same. I don’t know why. Once when I was crying hysterically my dad told me that I could go with her, and to go and sit in the car to wait for my mum. I did, he locked the doors and my mum went away in our other car.

For some reason this has stayed with me. But I get that I was probably being annoyingly anxious, it’s not something I would dream on doing to my own children. And not lie like op either tbh.

Might not help for this situation but moving forward I found a booked called Helping your child with Fears and Worries really useful for my daughter who had separation anxiety.

The book is really good at giving examples. It is based on really small steps built up over a period of time to reassure and build up resilience and then reward and recognise progress.

My daughter is autistic and it really helped me be able to eventually not have to sit with her until she fell asleep at night and also start to go out without her.

Hope it helps x

I haven’t read all the thread, but have read all op’s posts. Sorry to hear you are getting hassle from some MNers!

of I was you I would set up two events for your daughter:

1. something specific she will do with her dad & bro when you are away (thinking pizza & a film or something)
2. something you & her will do when you’re back that Dad & bro aren’t involved in (cinema? museum visit?)

I obviously don’t know what kind of things she’s into or how limited you will be after your surgery, but giving her something to look forward to when you are away & when you are back would be the only thing I could think of that might reduce her anxiety.

Something may be going on. Talk to her. Is it you going or the being left with 2 males?

What are you on? Are you sure you’ve commented on the right thread?

My daughter did this last year when i went to the spa for the night. Jealousy that's all. She wants you to take her so she can take snaps and show her friends.

And I thought my mother was horrible and insensitive!!!

"It’s new territory for me as I was not a sensitive child and neither were my siblings so she’s like a little alien to me. A little alien who I live very much and funnily enough, know a lot better than strangers on the internet!"

So why did you ask our advice then?

*You should be helping her deal with the realties of life, not hiding the truth.

I can't put this any other way but you are avoiding being a sensible parent.
It's your responsibility to help your child deal with life and all it brings.
If that is a parent having an op, you need to talk that through with her.

If you carry on 'giving in' to her behaviour and finding lies as the way to calm her down, where does that stop?

You're perpetuating her anxiety by not discussing what is going on.*

spot on. You are putting your needs in front of your DD's

Firstly you have to be straight with her about why you are going away.
Secondly it will be a good opportunity for her to uild a closer relationship with her dad.

At 10, I think she needs the truth. I wonder if her being sensitive is a vicious cycle, where you try to protect her, but it just fuels the sensitivity?

Consider telling her.

Hope the surgery goes well.

She doesn’t sound “sensitive”, she sounds spoiled and manipulative. By your own admission she doesn’t like you going away as her dad runs a tighter ship and will make sure she cleans her room etc. it sounds like you pander to her a lot. 10 is far too old for his behaviour. Each time she cries I’d sharply tell her to stop being silly and cut her off. Don’t give her behaviour any weight.

Thinking I’m having surgery will absolutely cripple her with fear.

Nonsense.

You should be helping her deal with the realties of life, not hiding the truth.

I can't put this any other way but you are avoiding being a sensible parent.
It's your responsibility to help your child deal with life and all it brings.
If that is a parent having an op, you need to talk that through with her.

If you carry on 'giving in' to her behaviour and finding lies as the way to calm her down, where does that stop?

You're perpetuating her anxiety by not discussing what is going on.

If she's so upset at you going away for a few days, there's a lot that needs dealing with and you need to talk to her to understand why she's so upset.

I agree inbetween some posts I do agree are nuts is a clear theme that telling the truth is the only way forward.

if she does have a fear of you going into surgery (and perhaps like a PP dying) it is something you can do something about, inform the school they should have help there to talk through her fears about it etc. they can have support in place. They can help.

if as I suspect the constant crying at the moment is because she knows something is off telling the truth again will help with a promise you always will.

anxious children need an anchor, someone they can trust to always tell them the truth. A hard part is getting them to understand you don’t always have the answers and you cannot always reassure them and sometimes things such as this surgery have to happen that will cause them to feel anxious and scared. But you won’t lie to them or sugar coat things too much but be there for them is vital

This. The majority of us are sensible. We can see you're storing up problems and dismissing your daughter. If she was younger not telling about the surgery would make sense but categorically not at 10 !