Do men really do this?

I had this conversation many years ago with a boyfriend. His comment was "you don't need to look at the mantlepiece when you're stoking the fire". Lovely!

@Bobbotgegrinch

I'll agree that masturbation and sex are very different, but I don't really see why it follows that that means that you have to fancy someone to have sex with them? I

Well, your comment read as though as you were comparing having sex with someone you don't find attractive with using your hand, when you said: Its not like I particularly fancy my right hand either, but it gets the job done.

My point was that they're not comparable at all.

He’s telling you who he is, what he thinks of women, and how you should expect to be treated by him. Please tell us you’ve blocked his texts too and will have nothing more to do with him. You deserve better.

@Superlambaanana

In my opinion having conversations with complete strangers ( which most first dates are) about the ins and outs of your / their sex lives is a no no for a reason……..The date sounded like a disaster, so much so that OP had to go on MN and write a post about it…..but then again all women are different and you probably think that having discussions like this would make for a good first date judging by your comment?

You are aware that some men sometimes just want a fuck? The same as some women.

I've slept with people I don't particularly find attractive. As long as they have a good Penis it's all good. I keep my eyes closed as standard so it doesn't change anything when you are doing it! Works out well when you just want a friend with benefits. Prevents feelings!

He also said no man at all, ever wants children and they only do it for a compromise to stay with the woman they want.

I agree that there are far more men who are ambivalent about having children than women want to believe.

You only need to read the number of threads on mumsnet from women whose partners show no interest in their children or who still behave like single men and go out when they want and stay out all night etc.

Men don’t necessarily have to like or be attracted to a woman in order to have sex with her, if it’s just sex they want. OTOH many men are genuinely attracted to women who could be considered conventionally unattractive.
Women tend to be rather clueless about the nature of mens’ sexuality, which can lead to lots of problems.

He didn't do it because he was drunk. He did it because he could. It's hardly out of the ordinary for men to shag someone they don't particularly fancy.

Well now you know you’ll be shagged, dumped and slagged off to the next woman I hope you jump ship beforehand.

Did he say he didn't want to sleep with her? Thats quite different to not finding her attractive and just wanting a shag. I understand men having sex with women they don't fancy - it is the any hole's a goal mentality. But doing it against his own will is a bit weird.

Oooh do tell, what are the 'acceptable' first date topics in the great magical and universally accepted rule book that everyone must obey?

It's a matter of degree, isn't it? Some men and women will have sex with people they actively find unattractive, just in order to get sex. Then others will have "low standards" - they will need some small degree of attraction to the person but not much. Still others will only want sex if they find the other person incredibly sexually attractive ....

I'm a woman and I have slept with people I didn't find massively physically attractive before, for a range of reasons. Sometimes because I just really wanted sex; sometimes because they seemed like a hide person and I thought attraction might grow over time; sometimes when drunk; sometimes out of boredom/politeness..... (I admit I have made some terrible choices!)

For all we know, the women who were shagging OP's date may have felt just the same about him.....

I do think it is strange of him to tell OP about it, but then it depends how it came up. My husband has admitted similar things to me, but only after I have quizzed him about it (he's dated a range of people of diverse ages/sizes/appearance). He reckons he"s not that bothered about looks, more attracted by personality and attitude - and indeed that is born out by a quick perusal of some of the people he has slept with!

I don't think it makes him the devil......

To be fair OP you seemed to be prolonging the conversation on the date when you should have shut it down

These are not first date topics and you (and he) should both have known that, you don’t need to know the ins and outs of this man’s liaisons with other women and he should have kept it to himself…. Way too much information

This man is a stranger to you, why do you need to know this

It’s a headfuck. See the way you’re posting about this? That’s the name of the game. He’s hoping you’re sufficiently insecure to join in and seek validation and talking about women he doesn’t find attractive but is still potent enough to fuck will bring any ‘pick me’ tendencies to the fore. He tried, bless him 🥱

Yes, I've heard some men say that too. It's not something I've ever thought, because I don't have the emotional maturity of an 8 year old. Besides, I didn't say that the women I slept with weren't attractive, but that I wasn't attracted to them. I'm pretty sure they were all attractive to someone, people find different qualities attractive in different people.

@edissa I'll agree that masturbation and sex are very different, but I don't really see why it follows that that means that you have to fancy someone to have sex with them? If someone grabs my genitals (obviously with consent) with the promise that they're going to make them feel good, that's generally going to cause a state of arousal. Just as the idea that you're going to cause someone else pleasure can be exciting. Sex can just be fun, it doesn't have to mean something.

All of the above said, I'd never actually tell someone I was having sex with that I didn't find them attractive, that'd be rude as fuck!. And I think someone who actually brings this topic up on a first date is probably a wrong'un, and is trying to "neg" the other person

OP I think the replies you’re getting on here are very strange, and far too black and white. People seem to be saying that any man who has sex without a meaningful respectful emotional connection is scum.

In reality, I’m certain that most men have/would have sex with someone they didn’t find particularly attractive or mentally appealing, if it was their only chance of sex for a while.

And actually, I think a lot of women have done it too, perhaps for slightly different reasons. I’ve definitely dated men I wasn’t sure about, thought I’d see how it went, hoped I’d get to like/fancy them more, had sex with them, gone on dates, then realised that they weren’t the one for me.

Some men d that, yes. Some men don't.

Do you think the young woman with the very old rich guy finds him very attractive physically?

What a weird man!

Hmmmmmm. A lot of men are up for no strings attached sex (plenty of women are too). I wouldn’t give up dating because of it. You don’t have to corrode your own boundaries to stay in the game so to speak. If anything, my understanding is men enjoy the thrill of the chase, so your approach should give you time to properly vet your dates and see if you’re interested in them sexually.

I think everyone here is conflating desire with respect. Men can get hard, have sex and get off because they find a woman's touch, body, vagina etc arousing. They may not fancy the woman in the way women understand 'fancying' ie as a way to determine if you want to be intimate and/ or spend more time with the person.

What he was really saying was that he considers himself 'better' than these women who were 'beneath' him in his opinion in terms of looks. They were therefore not deserving of respect and were just objects to him to be used, discarded and later derided. So it's not that he didn't fancy sex with them at the time, but he felt he lowered himself. It actually suggests he has serious issues with his own self worth. And is also probably a misogynist though he may not realise it. I wonder if he follows Andrew Tate!

Not a healthy attitude. No respect. I would not see this Romeo again.

The saying round these parts - any crack on a plate.

As in, he would even shag a crack on a plate if he got his end away. Some men are horrible.