Wits end with everything

If your son lived independently he would have to clean his own house/flat after work so his job is not a reason for skipping the chores.

washing up; put most of the cutlery and plates/dishes somewhere else and just leave 3 or 4 of each in the kitchen. This actually does work I've tried it!

Laundry; put daughter's clothes from the bathroom in a plastic bag and plonk them back in her room. Do the same for anyone else who leaves their items slovenly strewn across the house. This works too.

Bins; put the things on the side in a plastic bag and only take those things out. Don't carry heavy bags of rubbish when you have a bad back. They will soon get bored of not having a bin! Or even better put the bag in their cars/bedrooms.

Money/work; don't ask your daughter to get more work but stop paying for anything expensive. Her phone should be something she's bought outright so she can have a £10 SIM only contract. You shouldn't be paying for a £30+ ee contract or anything silly like that every month.

Rudeness/laziness; change the password to netflix etc. Don't buy any luxury food just get the basics. If they don't help you do the weekly shop then don't take suggestions etc. Do not cook them dinner!! Don't make their lives easier because they have no compassion for you.

Sadly my sister (21) who still lives with my mum tries to get away with similar behaviour.

"Horrific financial crisis", but "pays for her horse."

Clearly not THAT bad, is it?

There's a whole host of things you can do in terms of dealing with your useless young adults. But setting some ground rules and following through would help.

Both your children should be helping out at home. If nothing else they should clear up their own mess.

You don’t mention if either of them pay rent? If not, then the son working longer hours doesn’t get a free pass to not do anything.

Your Dd should want to help you out because you are helping her out financially. If she is only working a few hours, then presumably she can’t afford to live anywhere else.

Sibling rivalry can be intense and her point about her brother doing nothing (and presumably keeping all his wages) is valid.

You could start asking for rent and use that to pay a cleaner.

Or your son has money but ‘no time’, your Dd has time but no money. Get him to pay her to clean up after him.

Go in hard. Do not do their laundry. Do not cook for them or wash up/clean after them. The make up on your nice table? Sweep it up into a carrier bag and throw it into the bin. Rinse and repeat.

Tell them it will be that way until X date by when they will have to move out or start contributing. On X date, if they've not changed, take them and their stuff to the Housing Officer at the Council and say they're homeless and walk away.

Stop paying for their bills like the phone. I get what you're saying about the horse, but stop everything else.

If you don't toughen up and be firm, they will carry on walking all over you.

Strike strike strike strike strike. Tell everyone in the house you’ve asked for a small amount of help multiple times and been ignored and now they lose all help. Don’t do their washing up, put it in a bowl in their room, don’t cook them dinner, don’t do their washing (a pile in their room) and stop cleaning completely. It’ll be tough but they need to physically deal with the consequences of their actions and not have you swooping in to sort things so there’s no real consequences accept having to be challenged by you. Ideally you should also contact a friend and see if you can go and stay with them for a few days so they’ve got more time to reflect on how they’ve been treating you. Let them know what day you’re coming back with advance notice and hopefully they prepare the house accordingly. If they do you can sit down and negotiate what support you’re willing to provide after your return and what they need to do. If them stepping up stops you go straight back to a strike. If they still don’t help you tell them they’ll lose any privileges (your daughter’s horse for one) or will have to find alternative accommodation. They need boundaries and consequences they believe will happen to motivate them to change.

I think it’s family meeting time.

I know you say you’ve tried rotas, charts, etc, but have those been written by you or them?

“Right guys. We need to work out a better system to keep this house under control. We’re meeting at 7pm on Sunday evening.”

Then discuss everything. Like a PP said, accept that it’s been a hard few years - and difficult for all of you, but don’t get into who it’s been worse for. Then list (together) everything that needs doing, and discuss how that could be split.

DO NOT REFER TO IT AS ‘HELPING’ YOU. This is everyone’s responsibility. DH should be on board with this too. He needs to pull his weight in the house. DS needs to be treated the same as DD. Working out of the home is not a reason to not do household tasks (as you well know!) Horse care does not count as house care. That is an extra, which DD is responsible for as well as household tasks.

Ask them what would help (table/mirror in DD’s room so that her make up doesn’t need to be in your hallway? Separate laundry bins and drying racks?)

Ideally, I’d be working towards everyone taking responsibility for one meal a week - including washing up so that if you choose to make a faffy meal, you choose to wash up all those pots/pans. Those that work outside of the home could make use of a slow cooker, or fund a take away.

Good luck.

He does the washing up, she does the bins (since she doesn't like washing up). They each do their own laundry. She does the bathroom in lieu of not working much. They each tidy their own rooms. You do the general cleaning when you are able, if you are not able due to your bad back then they muck in.

Any stuff left lying around the house, throw it out in the garden, in the bin, or dump it on their beds.
You have two seriously ungrateful and disrespectful children.

I agree with an earlier PP.
Sell the horse.
Stop paying for her phone and gym membership.
Sell your house and move into a one-bed flat.

Why not tell them you are selling up and moving to a one bed?
Even if you don't do it could give them a kick up the arse.
I personally would move into a one bed and tell them both politely to get fucked. They are adults now and you are being completely taken advantage of. They don't respect you.
I was in a similar situation to you, two grown adults who lived off me and in my home but had no respect. They no longer live here :)

Why can't the 24 year old move out? That would stop the he said she said stuff.

Also your daughter should sign on - extra money for her and they will hassle her about getting a job

If rubbish is left on the side PUT IT ON THEIR BEDS. I think you need to grow a pair

I did this with my 3. They were younger (,11, 14 and 15). Gave them the option to help more. They failed so they all lost some of their allowance (went from 60 to £40 a month) which doesn't quite cover the cost but helps pay for a cleaner.
If they fail to tidy their room on the day the cleaner comes they lose another £10 that day.
When DS leaves school I will expect him to chip in or clean.
I work full-time, have a chronic health condition and also think they need to learn. They do other chores (cook once a week each, wash up, dishwasher, walk dog but I have to cajole and it's so annoying).

If you're financially struggling the horse has to go. It's a luxury.

I would stop paying for everything for your dd. I understand you love the horse and you’ve given her a cut off date of March. I would repeat this to her and make her understand that in March, if she cannot pay then the horse goes. I would stop paying for her phone and car tax. She needs to get another job, she needs to realise that working isn’t about working with friends.

I would start making your own meals and cleaning up after yourself only. This will mean the house will get very messy but you need to make a stand that they are both adults. I understand your son works long days but he will soon move out and will need to do it all for himself anyway so he needs to start now.

I would also be asking them both for rent. My parents asked my siblings and I for a small amount each month when we were working (not studying). It seems fair as they should contribute to bills and food.

What might be successful is moving towards more of a shared house situation.

So for example putting laundry bins in each of their rooms and buying them a drying rack each and saying that they are now responsible for their own laundry.
You then only do yours.

If they don't do theirs then they just run out of clean clothes.

You can also stop paying for your DD's phone bill.

Something I did as well was putting a sign up sheet on the fridge for the meals for the week. I deliberately left out two days as my "days off" so on those nights everyone got their own or did takeout or whatever. I usually had cheese sandwiches to be honest.
And for meals I was cooking they had to sign up by the morning to say if they would be in and wanted it.