Wits end with everything

Garden is now beyond help and he refuses to do it.

@Isurrender why is your husband not bothered about the house you nearly lost? It's not just on you.

Putting the money to one side.
Washing
I would black sack up their washing and put it back in their rooms. They need to be doing it.

Any family meetings needs to involve your husband when he is home. He should be backing you up.

I liked an earlier idea of at least two nights of week you have off. They can cook or plan meals.

You know your are letting your daughter off. You need to force it as that she has to work. Just say phone etc will no longer be paid and stick to it.

Tell her the dogs have to be walked everyday until she is working. Wake her up when you leave.
If her car is blocking yours take her car and your car keys. You need to make life uncomfortable

You have to do this for your sanity's sake and your health.

Ask a gardener for a quote and give son the option of it being paid or money off the loan. If he is savvy he will do the garden. There is no reason your husband couldn't help though. Where is his pride in your house?

Reading all your replies and it really is hard to have sympathy because you are ignoring most suggestions and you seem to have created this situation in the first place.

So firstly, your son needs to do chores too. Stop giving the men in your life a free pass on chores because they work. Women work, you work and still have to do chores.

And loan aside, I also do not understand why three years ago you told a 21 year old that he doesn’t need to pay rent because his then 15 year old sister had a horse.

I am not quite sure how her 11 hours of work are going to pay for the horse as well as the gym and petrol every month. But if I am reading you correctly, if she does, you are going to start repaying the loan and will continue to let your son get out of paying rent. You are again creating a rod for your own back.

Are you going to follow any of the advice you have been given?

Son is shouldering a 20k loan for his parents that he pays monthly -he also gave out 2k for a car.

OP what are the monthly costs associated with the horse in total?

I’d be picking up her clothes off the bathroom floor and tucking them into her bed so that when she rolls in at midnight from the gym she has to sort it out. Start inconveniencing her instead of doing her washing

i would also consider putting the horse out on loan so that your daughter doesn’t get the benefit of him anymore and so that his basic costs are covered by the loaner. That’ll take a bit of pressure off you, and you could stipulate that he’s kept on the current yard so you can keep an eye on him.

Your children should be helping equally. That doesn’t mean their help should be identical, but it should be fair. If your son is working but not paying rent and his work is only helping his own bank account get fat then that shouldn’t be a free pass to help in the household less, working is only an excuse to help less if the work actually contributes in some way to the household (eg: financially).

You need to set out expectations in a way which is fair. You also need to consider that your 24 year old son has been living at home as an adult for 3+ years, your 18yo DD has presumably only been living at home as an adult for a few months. It sounds like your son is being favoured here living rent free, not having to help and having no expectations on him. How much was he doing to contribute to the household when he was 18? Are you sure you’re not absolving him of tasks because he is male and you subconsciously think his role should solely be financial and jobs such as the garden whilst your daughter should b cooking and cleaning etc? If all of his work only improves his personal financial situation and doesn’t actually contribute to the household then that really isn’t the case.

The horse goes on loan until DD gets off her arse and gets a job or steps up and does her share in the house. I understand as a horse person myself how much time and money is invested in owning a horse and frankly DD can't afford it. You don't have to sell, but she needs an incentive to actually do something so she can keep him.
Every bit of their crap that was left I'd leave. Don't do their washing. Chuck it in their rooms and leave it. Their fault when they only have musty creased clothes to wear. If they leave out shit like makeup/dirty socks/magazines etc that you've constantly asked them to move you put it in the bin. I did this when DH kept leaving his socks on the floor in the front room. Asked him over and over to not leave them there for me to pick up but he said he kept forgetting. Funnily enough he stopped forgetting when I started binning them.
I actually have sympathy with your son who has to witness his sister getting a horse and paid car tax etc while he works 11 hours a day and she does absolutely fuck all. He should obviously be stepping up with his share of housework and not leaving a mess, but it is very unequal. I have a similar situation with my parents and younger sister (from when we were teens) where she had a MUCH more lenient upbringing that I did and it does stick with you and sting.

But how will your daughter pay for the horse from March?

Of course he is but the loan from my son was unavoidable even if we’d sold the horse immediately.

Unavoidable how though?

What if he had said no?

The pressure on him to agree to a loan must have been crazy.

Does your son pay the loan repayments or do you give him the money for the repayments?

I was brought up in quite a poor house and I think you haven’t got a what financial difficulties are because if you did there would be no horse, gym membership or car or even driving lessons for a lazy 18 year old. You are enabling all of this. I couldn’t wait to start earning so that I could have things, she obviously doesn’t need to.

Regarding the chores there are some very easy thing you can do, like stop doing their laundry. They will soon work out how to put the machine on when they run out of clothes. If they leave dirty clothes around, chuck them back into their rooms and close the doors. You also need to stop giving your son a free pass, the men in your household seem to think the drudgery of life is all women’s work. For a large part of my life, I worked and was out of the house from about 6:30am to 8:30pm due to commuting time, I still managed to wash my clothes, cook, wash up and generally keep my flat tidy, it really is no excuse.

Ok, so reading all your posts, your DS is playing his part financially at least. It’s time to stop paying everything for your DD - her phone and car tax and food. Also the horse but if she refuses to pay towards that and you insist on keeping the horse, you’ll just have to finance this yourself.

Is your DH working and contributing money or is he indisposed at the moment. If not, can he get a job closer to home.

Don’t do any laundry or cooking for either DD or DS.

If your daughter wants to keep the horse, and I understand it is a much loved pet, then she needs to work full time to pay for it. She does not get the luxury of working part time whilst she builds up a business , she can do that on the side like many people do .As a family you need them both to be contributing to living there and the costs of running the house. If you are relying on your son to be contributing to the costs of your court case ( and I'm really not sure this is a great idea ? ), then I guess you don't want to be falling out with him. Do both your kids realize the seriousness of your situation ?

She did have a part time job but gave it up as she fell out with her friend who worked in the same shop and it was awkward, so now does 11 hours work only.

Then she needs to get another job.

It's that simple.

And if she doesn't, she doesn't get anything paid for. Because you don't have the money.

You only have any spare money (for her phone / horse etc) because her brother took out a large loan for you that he is repaying.

I do think that makes a big difference, OP. Your DH caused your family all this pain and yet he is also getting away with not doing anything and it’s all falling on you. Your son has been forced to bail
him out, your daughter is clearly hurt by whatever happened between the two of you during the court case – this isn’t a normal “lazy kids” situation and I don’t think the usual advice can apply.

I agree with what you say re losing his job etc. tbh my life is a mess and I am constantly weighed down by the guilt of everything.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low, genuinely, especially if it was your husbands fault you're in this mess.

But I can't get my head around lumbering your son with £20k of debt, allowing him to take such a massive risk, while keeping a horse.

You say your horse is part of the family. We all feel like that about our pets.

But your son is surely a far more important member of the family?

This .

Tell them both to move out if they don’t do their share of housework. Take a firm stance. Stop paying for your DD’s horse. Gather up their laundry from the bathroom and toss it into their rooms - eventually they will have to launder it themselves. Gather up your DD’s makeup from your hall table and toss it into the bin. Do not cook for them. Give your DD two months notice that you will no longer be paying her car task.

If you do let them stay living in your home, insist they contribute financially and do an even split of chores between the three if you.